I wash my hands of this wedding planning business.

At every turn I feel like everything I want for this wedding is rejected. And I don't mean by Meg. With a few exceptions we were mostly on the same page. I'm talking about the bag men, the money men, the parents.

Left and right, the things that Meg and I had decided on were all but out-right vetoed. Her Dad and my Dad did that thing where they say that they don't like "X" but they prefer "Y" and then they gently remind you of who is paying the bill.

Meg's Dad and Aunt had made some choices of their own already, but for a while my Dad was just going along and saying "okay" to what we wanted. I thought my Dad was going to be cool about the whole thing. But last night he joined the darkside. He basically said that our choice of food for the recepton is not okay with him, and that he didn't want to throw what amounted to a frat party.

FRAT PARTY?!?!

So today I left my Dad a voicemail that went something like this:

Joey: Hi Dad, I didn't want to argue with you with Linda there, because I didn't want to get ganged up on, but Meg and I talked it over and we decided we are done with this whole planning process. If you and Ken want what you want, that's fine. You are paying for this, afterall. But just know that if Meg and I can't have this how we want it then we don't want to be part of the planning anymore. Ken's number is (480)***-**** Give him a call. Meg and I will see the judge by ourselves and plan the ceremony, but the reception is all yours now. I love you. I'm definitely mad at you, but i still love you. Bye.

Sometimes I hate everyone.

Sometimes I am so godd@mn angry that I just want to scream at the top of my lungs, punch holes in the walls and throw things.

Sometimes I want to take a baseball bat and smash every thing in sight.

Problem is I'm an insomniac and this bullsh*t invariably happens when that kind of noise in an apartment complex can bring serious consequences. More serious than all my stuff being broken anyway.

I'm in a horrible fvcking mood and I've got nobody but the lazy godd@mn cats, and my blog to share it with. Actually scratch that. Sorry, to my handful of readers, but you're getting it. The cats, like my girls, are sleeping.

My insomnia has always been a small source of bitterness for me. Even as a kid, doing the sleepover at a friend's house thing I was very often the last one awake in the house. Having this problem among people who do not is a very lonely thing. Nights like this when I am awake and pissed off are very long and very lonely nights.

Tonight I was ready to fall asleep around 10:30. Insanely rare for me, but not unheard of. Instead of turning in I spent time with the girls, because on a normal week night we generally don't have more than a few hours together before they go to sleep. Still, at 12:30 even, I was tired. I was so tired, in fact, that I started getting slappy like you do when you're past the point of being tired.

Now I'm pissed off and sleep is the last thing I am capable of. Meg and I had a stupid little fight. As soon as the fight was beginning to resolve Meg announced "I should go to sleep" to which I responded by saying very curtly "fine, goodnight" and slamming my water cup into the kitchen sink. I had kind of hoped that might elicit some kind of response. But I got nothing.

Now my options are as follows:

A) wake Meg up and get her to comfort me and keep me company for a bit so I can calm down enough to sleep. In which case she will be up way late and be pissy and miserable all day today at work.

or

B) wake Noel up --etc. This option is crap. No offence to her. See yesterday's post for expanation.

or

C) sit here and piss and moan to my blog, futz around until I pass out, and then wait until she reads this at work and is pissy and miserable all day. Maybe not pissy and miserable, but she'll definitely be irritated.

I guess, since I've published this, you know which option I went with.

At least with option C she got some sleep. I may be angry as hell, and even resent the ability to get a good night's sleep, but I understand the desire for it.

COMMENTS

Hey joey whates up dude its me luis you know the memos littel brothur one qustion when is your wedding becuse memo forgot the date see ya later dude peace.
Luisclopez 08.30.05 - 9:53 am

Good decision. Not sleeping sucks though.
Beno 08.30.05 - 4:15 pm

Hey Luis! How are you, buddy?
The wedding is October 15th and if your brother isn't there, I will kill him.
...or maybe I'll just make him feel really guilty. yeah, that's the one!
Joey 08.30.05 - 5:22 pm

BTW I am feeling better. I apologize for the airing of dirty laundry. I don't do it too often, but it's not nice to those involved, or to the readers.
Sorry.
Joey 08.30.05 - 5:23 pm

I don't mind the dirty laundry but it will cost you at least 75 cents per load.
therealdavid 08.30.05 - 6:42 pm

Seventy five cents?!?!? NICE! Our complex charges $1.00 per wash AND $1.00 per dry.
WHAT A BARGAIN!!!
Joey 08.31.05 - 12:17 am

What a bargain for me.
Brian Y. 08.31.05 - 2:28 am

be a man joey and do I get to attend to?
I promise to sleep with the bride and kiss the groom...wait...no...wait..
mulk 08.31.05 - 2:32 am

hey thanmks man i;ll be there and i;ll tell memo about about the tatoo thing okay late love your frainds littelbrother luisclopez dont worry man me and my bro are on your side incause you dont want to do it late.=
Luisclopez 08.31.05 - 10:00 am

The going rate here is $.75 a wash and $.50 a dry.
therealdavid 08.31.05 - 10:41 am

1.25 a wash and 1.00 a dry here. But that is ending very soon. We picked up the keys to our condo today No more laundromat. *dance party*
Josh 08.31.05 - 3:47 pm

CONGRATS TO THE CROHN-BOT!!!
Joey 08.31.05 - 4:08 pm

I don't pay per load of laundry, but I still take advantage of the heat to dry many things on the clothesline. Er, the cable line.
Guillermo 08.31.05 - 6:56 pm

Well, I don't pay for any of it at all. We use Meg's parents house down the street, but we might not if it weren't so GODDAMN insanely expensive.
Joey 09.01.05 - 5:21 am

HAHAHAHAHA

Just now, as Noel was getting in bed, she mentioned that when she's extremely tired her brain just kind of shuts down. On any normal night she'd spend a good couple minutes brushing her teeth. She takes her oral hygiene much more seriously than anyone I know. But tonight she walked into the bedroom and was making straight for the bed. I reminded her to brush her teeth, and she said something to the effect that she didn't have the stamina to brush her teeth.

This is the resulting conversation.

Joey: You don't have the energy to brush your teeth, but you have the energy to jump up and down?

Noel: Are you crazy? I can't jump up and down.

Joey: I just watched you jump up and down to pull your jammy pants on.

Noel: Oh... Well, that's important.

Joey: Pants are important for sleeping?

Noel: Yes! ...No. Ugh! My brain shuts down when I get exhausted.

Joey: Really? Okay ...Two plus two.

Noel: ...four!

Joey: Okay. Two times two.

Noel: Four! ...I mean six! ...NO FOUR! Oh-ho, you're tricky.

COMMENTS

that's our girl, sharp as a tack!
Meg 08.29.05 - 12:44 pm

Which end of the tack?
Josh 08.29.05 - 5:22 pm

joey, this is a request to stop alluding to the threesomes, just come out and say it man.
mulk 08.29.05 - 6:25 pm

Um, he already did. 8/19/05
Check it out.
duh 08.29.05 - 7:12 pm

thats not what I meant, forgive me, I forget I have to write for other people, I think its hillarious that he uses private fun as his way of describing sex.
be a man joey!! be a man!!
mulk 08.29.05 - 7:26 pm

btw joey, I have no problem with you being in a "taboo" relationship. more power to you!!!! aiieee.I am more concerned about how instead of motivating, this may make you complacent with not pursuing your dream, of acting!!
you have two hot ladies to answer now to you, It's time for you to swim boy, swim!!!
mulk 08.29.05 - 7:50 pm

Interesting, Mulk. I thank you for your concern. And you are partly right. I have been neglecting my dream of late.
Although, it's funny that this particular post has no innuendo of any kind. "Private fun" for example, appeared days ago.
And who are you Mr Duh?
Joey 08.30.05 - 1:07 am

If Mr. Duh is somebody we know, it fits the MO of Ed or possibly David, in my opinion. I can't explain why, but that's where I'd put my money.
Josh 08.30.05 - 5:09 am

I don't post under stupid pseudonyms like that, though.
Edward Carter 08.30.05 - 5:23 pm

no one thought meg or noel...
interesting
--mulk
and yes joey I am aware of that but you must remember that like you I dont always check out your blog ever single day and comment about something when I get the chance...
Anonymous 08.31.05 - 2:30 am

The punctuation could be a clue. I agree with Miguel, though. I know it's kind of a boys club 'round here so when I hear a voice of reason I am seldom surprised when it is a female voice.
Guillermo 08.31.05 - 6:15 pm

For no apparent reason, I actually thought it was Tracy. Really not sure why.
Joey 09.01.05 - 2:32 am

If you want to know who your friends are, if you want to know who really respects you and loves you, then there is one very good test.

Make an unorthodox decision.

Make it a good one, and make it one you really care about, because if you don't think it through, if you don't really believe in it, then you will have a problem. The problem will come when you have to explain said decision to friends and family. Your decision will be challenged and questioned, and you will need to be able to answer to these things.

Some of these challenges and questions will come from a place of support. Some of these people will actually just be looking to understand your decision better. Their questions and concerns will clearly speak to that end. These people are most likely your true friends, and people you can count on for life.

But some of these will not come from a desire to understand. Some of these challenges will come from a place of stubborn ignorance, closed-mindedness and will actually be intended to dissuade you and undermine your decision. These are the voices of fear. Of conformity. This second group sees you breaking from the norm and suffers from a strange desire for you to fit into that category of the norm. For them to continue being your friend you must fit into their idea of normal. The abnormal is scary for some, and must be rooted out for them to remain comfortable with you in their life.

Chances are you also may not see this occuring cleanly in black and white. You may see some people colored with elements of both. If you see these shades of grey, you must consider for yourself which way they lean, and what their reactions mean to you.

If I seem to be writing this from personal experience, I have mislead you. I have actually had very little of the latter response lately. I have received only one comment that troubled me, and I may be misunderstanding it at that. This is not a moody rumination about bad experiences I have had, just a thought that struck me just now.

COMMENTS

You make me smile Joey.
Conformity has its uses. But I say that mainly because I'm surrounded by unconventional people.
I believe that one's preconceptions of another person's reaction becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy; because preconceptions color the way we present information to other people. And I kinda get the impression from this post that you're looking for conflict.
Being in an unconventional sexual relationship doesn't have to be an epic struggle against prudes everywhere.
But hey, I understand that you're just trying to have a discussion, and I'm lobbing back the ball.
Beno 08.27.05 - 1:40 am

"Being in an unconventional sexual relationship doesn't have to be an epic struggle against prudes everywhere."
It doesn't? Damnit I was hoping Joey would go on the attack against prudes using a gas powered m60, a large hunting knife, and arrows with explosive tips that can blow up a whole bridge.
therealdavid 08.27.05 - 3:30 am

Beno, I apreciate the earnest attempt at dialogue, but I was not actually "looking for conflict."
The unpleasent side of the experience was, as I said, not my own. I cannot speak for Noel and Meg though, if you catch my meaning.
It just struck me that you can really tell who respects you and who doesn't by how they react to your decisions. EXAMPLE: A friend is confused by a choice you have made. After asking all the necassary questions, a true friend would say something like this maybe:
"well, I don't think this is a good idea, but if you think it will make you happy then I won't stand in your way."
My parents, you yourself, David, Brian, etc etc fit into that category, for example.
It's the people that judge and lecture and presume to know what is best for you and decide that you are a bad person etc etc that I don't have a list for. Others may. I do not. It pains me to see it happen at all though, because it is manipulative and not as easy to shrug off as it should be.
Honestly, that is all I meant by this post.
Joey 08.27.05 - 6:45 am

DISCLAIMER:
The friend is in the right if they are trying to dissuade you from a decision that involves irreparable harm to life or limb, including severe psychological/emotional harm. In that situation the friend NEEDS to fight you. In all other cases the friend needs to let you live your own life.
Sorry, I just knew that if I didn't point out that extreme example to the contrary, that somebody would.
Joey 08.27.05 - 6:48 am

"well, I don't think this is a good idea, but if you think it will make you happy then I won't stand in your way."
Well it is true that I thought this way at the beginning, I later came to the conclusion that I have no evidence to back up the idea that what you're doing is not a good idea What the hell do I know?
The number of relationships I've had can be counted on the hand of a blind shop teacher with missing fingers. On what authority can I advise anyone on how to have a successful relationship?
Unless it is asked for, I usually find when people give advice, they're just using the opportunity to impose their lives on someone else.
"Here's a little advice..."
"You know what you should do..."
Now what I'd be concerned with is to give your current situation a bit of hard thinking and sharp focus. What's driving you to keep this going, why do you want it, and where do you want to take it? But somehow I don't believe that this line of thinking hasn't passed through your head before.
therealdavid 08.27.05 - 2:53 pm

I see what you're saying.
Beno 08.30.05 - 4:18 pm

It's a very good feeling when you can show yourself that you are stronger than you thought.

You may or may not recall, that I used to be a BIG gambler. I would drive up to Vegas two to three times a year and play craps like a fiend. I would win exactly $300 every time. No more, no less. It was strange too, that it was always the same amount, because my strategy was to pocket the larger chips when they came my way, and just play the smaller ones until they were gone, or until somebody hit a HUGE roll. So, I never knew exactly how much I had until after I walked away.

Anyway, last year I went to Vegas twice and lost about $100 each time. This was so shocking, and unpleasent that I vowed to quit while I was ahead, and not slowly give back all the money I had walked away with over the years.

This past Sunday through yesterday we three were in Vegas, and I didn't gamble at all. I didn't even really want to. The fun wore off once I started giving my money away. What was once a thrilling adrenaline rush had become a nervous tension in the pit of my stomach. Now that I had a healthy fear of losing, I just plain didn't want to.

Instead, we just wandered around having our own fun. We spent time goofing around in M&M World, we went horse-back riding, we went swimming, we had some really good food, and some really good... private fun. :-)

Treasure Island Sucks My Ass

One thing I did not enjoy at all was the new pirate show at Treasure Island. Anybody remember the old pirate show? It was awesome. A band of cheesey pirates take on a British Imperial Frigate and sink her in a fire fight! So cool!

Some marketing genious decided to change all that. Now the show is called "The Sirens Of T.I." They have fired most of the pirate/imperials cast and hired a bunch of hot chicks in lingerie. Now, the former pirate ship is The Sirens ship. The Sirens sing and dance and tempt the pirates, who are sailing "The Bull" (formerly the former British ship), into a fight. If that doesn't sound lame, just know that repeatedly, and for no apparent reason, The Sirens bust into Moulin Rouge-esque musical numbers that don't make any sense. EVEN worse than that, they somehow magically sink the pirate ship with one of these ridiculous dance numbers. That's right, they never fire a shot, they dance the ship to death. WHAT?! And then after The Bull is sunk the pirates climb onto the Sirens' ship and do a dance number of their own. THEN, after all that, the pirate captain goes to have sex with the Sirens captain. WHAT?!?! WHY?!?!

I stood there through the whole thing with a confused and frustrated look. It was gratifying when there was only scattered applause and similar looks all around me. The show sucks and everyone knew it. Near the end of it, I also noticed that the pier that the audience stands on wasn't nearly as packed as it always used to be for that show. Word is spreading maybe.

It seems like they are trying to do away with their family-fun image, and be a sexier, grown-up casino. For example they also ditched the giant skull-n-crossbones sign in favor of a very clean lined, bright yellow "T.I." sign. It's like they want to distance themselves from their own name. The show itself even had lines of dialogue aimed to the audience that said things like "You looking for the arcade? Well, there isn't one anymore! This is an adult candystore!" That, and the liberaling peppering of sexual jokes in the show practically spell out to the audience "HEY, we don't want your f**king kids here! Got it?" I hope someone changes it back before it's too late. The folly in this step is that statistics show that an overwhelming majority of revenue in Vegas is made from families of tourists, not hornball fratboys, like this show attracts. They are cropping out a significant demographic with this new step. Stupid.

Hmmm. T.I. ....? Total Idiocy. Terrific Ineptitude. Temporary Insanity.

COMMENTS

It's like halfway through they forgot that Treasure Island was about pirates.
I'm not the biggest fan of vegas, but jesus christ I have no plans to go to Treasure Island.
Besides, an adult candystore? That would be just a nasty place that sells hard candy in the shape of penises.
therealdavid 08.26.05 - 1:40 am

What a strange thing to say. I mean, how could you forget the vagina and breast shaped hard candies, D?
Sheesh, this is the 21st century now, man.
Joey 08.26.05 - 5:13 am

Breast shaped candies better not be hard, dammit. They should be gummy. The sugar-free breast shaped candies can be hard, because they're fake candy.
Josh 08.26.05 - 3:53 pm

"THEN, after all that, the pirate captain goes to have sex with the Sirens captain. WHAT?!?! WHY?!?!"
You have to admit, it does sound pretty typical for a porno plot.
Edward Carter 08.26.05 - 9:09 pm

PRECISELY, ED! It definitely does. And that is what is wrong with the show. It is not even thinly-veiled either, it is an outright cabaret show with the tiniest hint of pirate flavor.
It's a pirate show as much as a margarita is a fruit drink.
Joey 09.01.05 - 5:24 am

Tonight a strange and beautiful domino train came crashing through our lives.

As of very recently our parents were blissfully unaware of what I wrote about in my last post.

Yesterday, I let it slip to my Dad, so I spent some time talking with him about the past several months. He handled it quite well, really.

Tonight we went to the same dance club (Margarita Rocks). This time Meg and I got there first and Noel caught up with us later. When Noel arrived she told us that she had clued her parents in on our relationship. We were surprised and excited, but then the evening moved on, like it does.

Later, after a few drinks and a few dances the subject came up again. This time, to my extreme surprise, Meg whipped out her cell phone and called her Mom. I guess she just felt it was time to stop hiding things. Keep in mind that her Mom is currently living at Harvard, and at that time it was 1:30 am in good ol' Boston, Mass. Next she dialed up her Dad. Both of her parents seemed totally non-plussed. This could be due to the fact that they were roused from their respective deep slumbers, but we will know that tomorrow I suppose. Will they wake up and lunge for the phone to berate her, or will they scratch their heads and say "what a strange dream..."

This action on Meg's part had effectively made my Mom the last one to know, and I know how she hates that, so I got on the horn right then and there and made sure she knew. It seemed that it was my night for extreme surprises. The conversation went a little something like this:

Me: Hey Mom, sorry to wake you up, but I have something important to tell you.

Mom: S'okay, what's up?

Me: Meg and I have been dating somebody. Together.

Mom: I know.

Me: ...you... you what?!?

Mom: I know.

Me: You mean... but... Well, anyway, you remember meeting Noel? It's her.

Mom: I figured.

Me: Okay... well, I love you. Good night.

Mom: Good night, honey.

My mother never ceases to amaze me. She has got to be one of the most intuitive people on this earth. I should just start calling her Sherlock.

I'm expecting a mountain of questions and warnings from all sides, but time will tell. So far, all of them handled it roughly the same way. A little bit of shock, but a general attitude of "whatever works for ya." Even if that attitude is faked, it shows that they are willing to support our decisions, and that's a good start.

ZIPPITY-DOO-DAH!!

Some of you are aware of certain lifestyle choices that Meg and I have made. Some of you are not.

For those not in-the-know, here's a little FYI:

We've been seeing somebody together. And I don't mean a therapist.

For the better part of the past couple months we have been spending a great deal of time with our friend Noel. At first I think it was mainly physical attraction that brought us together. We knew very little about her, and she knew very little about us. The first things we knew were we were all three attracted to each other, and we had crazy-stupid amounts of fun together. As time went on we learned more and more about each other and lately we have been kind of inseparable.

Underlying all of this has been a tension that I think had a small part of each of us a little on edge. We all sensed that something was developing, but nobody seemed eager to talk about exactly what that something was. Thank god for that pungent social lubricant we call alcohal.

Last night Noel and I went out dancing with our crew. Meg was tuckered out early, so stayed in. After a handful of tequila shots (six total for me) we weren't drunk, but pretty good and buzzed. At about 1:30 a handful of Tempe cops started strolling through the club. I thought it was strange, but it didn't seem that remarkable. Then they started randomly carding people all around us! There were about four of them within ten feet of us. I leaned down to Noel and said simply "Cops. We should go wait by the car." She didn't understand why at first. I pointed out that she probably didn't want to get caught with a fake ID. Noel is underage. If the bouncer catches you, worst that happens is you don't get in the club, but a cop catching you comes with a hefty fine. She agreed. Casually and quietly we headed out the door... where there were about another eight cops! We must have looked relaxed enough that we didn't arouse their suspicion, because we walked right past them.

Back at the car we had a good half hour before the crew came to meet us, and the tequila had loosened me up just enough to take the dangerous risk. That risk of asking the question that was hanging over all our heads: "what is going on here?"

Those weren't my exact words, but that is what it amounted to. To my surprise Noel began to talk in a long meandering stream-of-conciousness that went through everything from her friends reactions to our little trio, and what they are like and how well they know her, and vice versa. I listened to every word, not sure where she was going, but going along for the ride anyway.

Somewhere along the way, she mentioned an email that her best friend had sent her, and how she replied. She kept referring to it in conversation, but she wouldn't give any specific details. I got the idea that it pissed her off, but I had no idea what it said, or what her reply said. After the second or third time she referred to it, she reached into a notebook and pulled out a printout of both emails, and without any prompting from me put them both in my hands.

I read the best friend's letter with quiet indignation. Only once did I blurt out "that's bullsh*t!" The gist of the letter was that the friend was accusing Noel of intruding into an area she did not belong, and could never hope to belong and she would only get herself (and possibly Meg and I) hurt. The part that made me yell out loud was when she said "This is about them and you. And you will never. Never. Never. Be one of them."

After I finished that first letter I told Noel that her friend is just ignorant to our circumstances, and can't possibly know what she is talking about, but more importantly Noel is just as much one of "us" as she wants to be. She said she knew that, and told me to read her reply.

It was about a page and a half letter and about halfway through page one I had tears running down my face. She defended what we have as ferociously as a mother bear defending her cubs. In that letter she said everything that the three of us have been feeling for weeks now, but had been incapable of saying out loud. And she said it clearer and stronger than I think either Meg or I could have. Anger can be quite a whet stone for sharpening one's tongue.

I went to bed grinning uncontrollably. Today I took Meg to lunch to share with her the events she missed. She went back to work with the same uncontrollable grin on her face.

When you are on the same page with someone that you share part of yourself with, life is good. When you are on the same page with two such people, it is doubly so.

My Camping Cherry is Popped

This past weekend I had my first experience camping. FINALLY. The main reason I have never been camping before is that nearly every time my friends plan a trip it's always a last minute thing and either I have work or a show I'm in or something, or they plan in advance, but I have some commitment. Earlier this summer, for example, Kelly invited me to Havasupai (sp?) and I had to sadly decline because I had promised my brother I'd help him move that same weekend.

Anyway, we got out of town WAY too late and had no luck finding a campsite near Sedona. We continued north where we found an opening... for just that night. The site had one space open for the night, but it was reserved for the rest of the weekend, so we had to agree to be out at 7am.

The worst thing about that little tidbit of information is the reason they were booked was for a local "Beer Festival." That's the worst part because all the Beer Festival Revelers were drunk and rowdy and screaming and yelling until somewhere after 3am. Being the light sleeper that I am I laid there wanting to kill someone for hours. I don't mind drunken revelry provided I am participating, but being sober and exhausted and listening to it is frustrating.

Next day we got up and out at 7am like we agreed. We hit up a little greasey-spoon place for some breakfast, and then went hiking through the West Fork Trail. About an hour or so later we found this secluded little swimming hole with a small, natural water slide and played around for a bit, then eventually started back towards the trailhead. The plan was to end up at Grasshopper Point to go swimming. Sadly, the ranger informed us, the bacteria levels in Grasshopper Point were too high, and swimming was prohibited. Instead we had an awkward picnic lunch on the rocks near the water. I say awkward only because there were tons of ants nearby, so we ate withh all the food bags in our hands or propped on our knees.

By now the sky had mostly turned black and as we started toward the car again it started to rain. We decided that driving all over looking for a campsite again would probably be pretty pointless, so we packed up and headed home at about 4pm.

Even though it was an extremely brief, and (at times) inconvenient trip, I had a blast, and I can't wait to do the real thing at some point. Real thing meaning like several days of roughing it.

I have anger problems.

I know this.

Lately, I have general mood problems as well. Lately I feel like maybe medication is not such a bad idea for me. This is a very hard statement for me to make, but more and more often lately I feel like I'm somebody else. That is to say I feel like I have no control over how I feel. For no apparent reason this afternoon I was in a HORRIBLE mood. I treated Meg like sh*t, and refused to talk at all. These intensely quiet rages are happening with increasing frequency. I think I have a chemical problem.

Fortunately, I am surprisingly lucid about the whole thing. Even as these things occur I am very aware that I am feeling this way without provocation, and I would honestly rather not feel that way at all. Still the moods persist. Sadly, I have no insurance, and no money for expensive medications.

For those of you that are loved ones (as most of you are) I throw this caution to you for future reference; if I behave erratically or strangely aggressive or whatnot it's probably best to leave me alone. Don't try to reason with me. Don't try to prod for answers. Don't try to cheer me up. Ask me what's wrong once, and if I don't open up right off, I probably won't until the bullsh*t passes. I wish I could apologize in advance for these events, but we all know that such apologies would be

A) disingenuous, because I wouldn't know what I was apologizing for, and
B) not entirely appropriate, because it would be as if I was apologizing for someone else's behavior.

I can honestly tell you that I will regret any such behaviors. I do not enjoy them. Sometimes I feel like rather than living my life I'm watching a movie through the main character's eyes and I don't like him very much. He can be kind of a prick.

Yesterday was Noel day my friends. (for clarification on exactly what that means, see July 24 post)

We started the day with a nice light breakfast of a little bit of fruit and yogurt. Then we had... we had... ahem. Let's just say that what we had next is not generally discussed by the gentlemenly type, such as myself. But know this, if you were to call what we had next "Chinese Dinner" then we all had a fortune cookie. Mmmmm, Chinese Dinner.

After that we had the real breakfast we had planned. This meal included Noel's favorite (scrambled eggs) along with generous helpings of sausage, toast, more fruit and a touch of cottage cheese. Also there were some potatoes O'Brian... but sadly, they made it through the oven like Private Ryan's brothers made through Germany.

After that we got dressed and went antique shopping. All three of us are into kitschy, old stuff, so we thought it would be a hell of a lot of fun to go trotting up and down Main street (between Robson and Centennial) where there are about a dozen antique shops. Sadly, Meg and I are not the ace planners we think we are. Sunday in Mesa, for many businesses means CLOSED. See, Mesa is what we like to call Mormon Town U.S.A. It's not quite Utah, but it's still pretty ri-damn-diculus. Shop after shop that we passed had signs in the window saying "Sundays: CLOSED." Finally, out of all these shops we found one that was apparently owned my non-mormons. Whew! We wandered around there a bit, picked up a couple cute little things, and wandered back down the street to the car.

Trecking around in this god-awful Arizona-summer-afternoon weather made us all a bit thirsty, so we went to QT and got slushies. Mmmm. Then we lounged around in bed a little. Here we had a little bit of fun time with clothes on. Kind of like chinese dinner, but no cookies this time.

After that we sent Noel on an "Easter Egg Hunt" for the next Day item. We ordered this movie that she had been raving about for a month or so called UN CHIEN ANDALOU and I hid it in my already prodigious DVD collection for her to discover. Because of the great camouflage it took her more than a few minutes to find. Pretty funny to watch her squirm over the shelves, confused by the "warmer... warmer... ICE COLD!" Haha! Anyway, this movie is a crazy short film based on the dreams of director LUIS BUNUEL and painter SALVIDOR DALI. Weird stuff. Fascinating stuff.

Next came swimming at Meg's parents' house. Well, Noel and I swam while Meg read a book. The two of us had great fun flinging these fun pool torpedo toys at each other. You have never seen worse aim in your life. I think we actually hit each other twice. Maybe.

Noel's favorite dinner is salmon, so for our evening meal Meg whipped up a wonderful garlic-lime filet with baked zucchini, tomatoes and onions served over bashmati rice. (insert Homer Simpson drooling noise here)

For dessert we went to Old Chicago, on Alma School just south of the US 60. It is NO coincidence that Sunday nights are also karaoke night at Old Chicago. After we had a "Big Cookie" that was barely palatable, we rocked the house old-school. Meg cranked out a really nice "I Want You To Want Me" shortly followed by Noel doing "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" and finally me with Beck's "Loser." I'm not sure what I was doing wrong, but in the middle of my song a bunch of people sitting RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME started snickering and pointing at me. Not cool, you old-people-in-the-bar, not cool!

The lovely day concluded with some lovely evening weather so we enjoyed it with a lovely stroll around the block. We found our way into a secluded alcove on the roof of a nearby parking garage, and plan to return another night with a blanket. Chinese dinner may or may not take place here, one can never be sure. "No Trespassing" sign be damned!

Finally, we returned home, tired from our day of adventures... and had Chinese Dinner. Again. Ah. What a great day! Not even my day, and I loved it!

Good times!!!!! (does a dance in tribute of own awesomeness)

Ah, Margarita Rocks, where the women are hot and the men are watching.

Last night the crew rolled up to M.R. and we all had a blast... Well, all except poor BenO. The bouncer wouldn't accept his ID because there was a crack in it. "It's the law" he said. "He's a dick" is what I said.

Once inside we proceeded to drink and dance it up, hard-core super-hero style. This is the second week in a row we have done this, but for some reason after this time all the muscles of my upper back and neck feel shredded to little bits. I'm guessing that I was dancing harder and/or longer than last time. Actuallly, I know we were dancing longer, because this time we got there just under an hour earlier than last time.

Once again, me and my boys were blessed to be at the club with all the hottest women in the joint. Seriously, I wake up every morning and thank whatever God you like that I was born under whatever star that made me gravitate towards the crew I have. Goddesses, every one.

And in fact, one of these lovely ladies set a new precedent at M.R. See, last night was a wet t-shirt contest, AND wet booty shorts contest. Apparently, no girl has ever won both prizes in the same night before. Not until last night, that is, when our own Virginia swept both competitions with her sexy, stripper style. Mmm!

My brother was there too. This Virginia is the very same girl that my brother told "U R Beautiful" to just last week in a text message (see Friday, July 29). Always one for some fun with the gents, she took him out on the dance floor more than a few times, and he even got to touch her "beautiful" ass a time or two.

Damn I'm a good brother. :-)

P.S. Yet again: GOOD TIMES!

IT'S ALIVE!!

That's right folks, Family Porn Night has been resurrected yet again.

Last night a gaggle of goons came over to our place bearing various pots and pans o' goodness. Nothing like a potluck to kick off a fun night of porn watching!

We had gumbo and corn muffins and chili-mac and stir fry and lemon bars. Mmmmm.

Then we watched DOUBLE FEATURE starring SERENITY. It's a spoof on all the crappy old sci-fi/horror flicks of the early 20th century. Surprisingly, it's actually quite successful at being a spoof as well as a porn. It won a bunch of awards for... whatnot. I dunno.

Yes, this classic flick is loaded with clever and insightful dialogue like the following:

"I'm gonna give those space b*tches a blast of joy juice they won't soon forget!"

and what about:

"F*ck my intergalactic c*nt!"

Gotta love writing like that. Priceless!

There's also a scene where a general is playing with little toy army men and giving them a rallying speech and one of them is insubordinate and receives a disciplinary yelling. My description doesn't do it justice. It's fan-freaking-tastic.

Later in that same scene, the general is being humped by the space queen, Clitora, and he starts getting a little sensitive on her. I think it's pretty clear that the actor was ad-libbing. It went a little something like this:

Clitora: You like f*cking my space p*ssy? Take it! Take my space p*ssy!

General: Stay with me. Don't leave me! We need you!

Clitora: Shut up! (covers his mouth with her hand and continues to ride him)

It may not come through in text, but her demeanor as she shut him up was strange. It seemed like he was making lines up, and the actress (like the audience) felt they were ill-fitted to the scene.

Two nights in a row I say to you: Good times.

101 Things To Do

I bought this book a few months back called 101 THINGS TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE
It's a hell of a lot of fun stuff. It has you do all kinds of things that everyone really SHOULD do, and a handful of silly things that most of us might not have considered doing. The book has you travel the world, write a book, learn a language, master a musical instrument, etc, etc. On the sillier side it has you get arrested, skinny dip, write your name over a star on the Walk Of Fame in chalk, and do a "Monopoly Board Pub Crawl" across London.

Last night the girls and I did #43 at one in the morning. This item states that you should throw a dart into a map and go to that location. This item is broken into a local trip and a global trip. Last night we did the local trip. Lady fate had us go to the Arizona Country Club on 56th and Thomas.

Noel and I wanted to hang out on the golf course for a bit, and it being 1 am, we had to hop a fence, much to Meg's deep and personal nervouseness. She has this crippling fear of being caught by the Po-Po. Noel and I tried to assure her that even if we were caught they would just kick us out, and there is no way we would be doing item #23 (Get Arrested). That's when Meg explained that it's the scolding we would receive that freaked her out more than actual legal repercussions. Weirdo.

So we laid out a blanket and candles in a sandtrap and looked at the stars... both of them. Sadly for us, star-gazing in Phoenix is about as productive an endeavor as trying to create world peace by invading all countries who oppose us...

HOLY CRAP! It's only just this second occured to me that the United States philosophy regarding establishing peace is much the same as The Galactic Empire's in the original Star Wars Trilogy. The Empire invaded and conquered under the guise of establishing peace in the galaxy. A kind of "be peaceful, or die" attitude.

Wow, so when I said that Bush is Vader and Cheney is The Emperor those years ago, I was closer to the mark than I realized.

Creepy.

Anyway. On the way out Meg slipped in some mud and fell hard on her butt. My first impulse was to laugh my ass off, but I was actually worried she might be hurt. When I asked if she was okay, she whispered very sharply to be quiet, that people would hear me. Having established she was fine, I laughed. A lot.

Ah #43. Good times.