**blink blink**

My good friend, Ed, sent me a forward of some hate mail he had seen recently floating around in cyberspace. I'm guessing he thought this crap was as laughable as I did.

Being surrounded by open-minded liberals in the arts community I sometimes forget that there are people that live on this earth that have their heads JUST that far up their asses.

Honestly, the grammar and spelling errors alone are enough to tell me that this drivel probably came from a red state. I'm guessing it came from the back-country of such a state. A place where computers and email are a fairly recent discovery, because come on! Use the checker tools for the love of Zeus! It takes about a minute. Surely, even the most jet-set, on-the-go hate-monger can spare a minute for eloquence. Right? Not to mention the bold statements he tosses around about the "huge majority of Muslims" that are in glaring contradiction with actual statistics.

Here's a good example: "The huge majority of Muslims have nothing that can be called a civil society, they live under absolute rule, despotism, authoritarianism, totalitarianism etc etc" So... wait... are you saying this so-called huge majority of muslims lives here in the United States? HA! That is just plain untrue! :-)

And this little jewel of a sentence had me laughing out loud. "Muslims kill Muslims and non-Muslims are always the victim." ...WHAT?!?! Anyone who has taken high school geometry knows enough about logic to see the problem there. The thought process of that sentence breaks down like this, I think.

If p implies q then r implies Tang.

Mmmm. Tang.

If this guy's mind was a house there would be a hand-scrawled note on the kitchen counter that reads as follows.

Going on vacation for the next eighty years or so.

Oh, and we're out of milk

Sincerely,
Logic

We've all been there.

A long day. Not a bad day, but just a long one. It's getting a little late. You feel the eyelids starting to get a little droopy, so you curl up in bed. You're just starting to drift off to sleep...

TWEET -- TWEETLEY -- TWEET TWEET etc

That's right, some stupid %$#@ bird starts having his own little fiesta in a tree right outside your window. We humans have succeeded in staving off the darkness of night for our own purposes, we have extended the length of the day to unnatural proportions, thereby increasing the window for productivity and improving the quality of life for many.

And by extension we've succeeded in confusing birds the world over.

Birds are dumb. You throw a blanket over their cage and they'll go right to sleep, thinking night has fallen. On the flipside, sometimes a streetlight will have a bird convinced that it's the longest godd@mn day of the year and apparently that must be cause for a whistling godd@mn celebration in a bird's mind.

It's a little sad too, because this moron keeps calling out, and waiting for a response that never comes, because all the other birds are ASLEEP! It's like listening to only Sonny's bits from I Got You Babe. I just want to yell out "Good god, man! Cher is sleeping, and so should you be!"

I'm not feeling very much like Dickon tonight.

Grumble grumble

COMMENTS:

You should see Failure to Launch. You'd relate. Also, it's REALLY funny.
jess elliot 03.27.06 - 9:09 pm

I have this family of birds that seem to be waking up around 1:30am outside my window. Considering it's spring time I think the baby chicks just love to talk no matter the hour.
But it doesn't bother me, I rather enjoy the sound.
Brian Y. 03.28.06 - 3:48 am

I normally do enjoy the sounds of chirping birds, but I don't enjoy ANY sounds at all when I'm trying to sleep.
I'm not as light a sleeper as I was when I was younger, but I have a new problem now. As a kid I would wake up easily, but fall back to sleep fairly easily too. Since the accident it seems if I get woken up prematurely I never quite get back to a decent level of sleep. After that it's all fitful and tossy-turny. Stupid bird.
Joey 03.28.06 - 4:26 am

Immersible

WARNING: This may be a you-had-to-be-there kinda thing. If so, please, feel free to let me know in the comments.

Sometimes my mom's side of the family is loud and obnoxious. Okay, they're always loud and obnoxious, but that goes with the territory in a huge italian family. But sometimes they're loud and hilarious. Imagine George Costanza's parents from Seinfeld, but italian instead of jewish.

Here's an exchange that happened two nights ago at my gramma's house while my aunt was washing the dinner dishes.

Aunt Anne: Ma! Hey Ma! Immersible! Says right here, immersible. You're telling me I can't put it under water, and it says right on the label: immersible!

Gramma: Immersible?!

Aunt Anne: Yeah, Immersible, right here on the bottom. Immersible!

My Mom: Are you sure it's immersible? (goes over to look) She's right Ma , it's immersible.

Gramma: Well, I didn't think it was immersible.

Aunt Anne: If you'd just read the label, it says right on it; immersible!

They went on like this a little longer, each of them saying immersible at least once, most times twice every sentence. At this point my cousin and Meg and I are laughing hysterically, and drawing strange looks from the elders. I decide to jump into the melee to show them what we're laughing at. I furrow my brow, and draw a very serious look on my face.

Me: Wait! Wait-wait-wait. Seriously, you guys... is it immersible?

My cousin nearly pees herself at this point, and now the adults finally get what's so funny. Oh. My. God. I think if you totalled up the sum of all the times I've heard that word in my life before that night it would be less than the amount it was used in that little spat over the damn electric frying pan.

At this point my grouch of a grandfather walks in and overhears that the thing is immersible. Apparently, this was a point of great controversy for gramps too.

Gramps: It's immersible? You mean all these times you've had that damn thing sitting on the counter, full of water to soak overnight, and I've been dropping my damn pills in it, and dropping paper towels in it, and it's been immersible all this time?! I see. I see what's been going on, you just didn't want to wash the damn thing. Well, guess what, now I know it's immersible!

I think for the rest of my life that word will make me laugh.

Recently, I was in a really bad place. It was such a bad place that I nearly drove Meg away with my wallowing. A day or so before Josh's bachelor party she told me that she had considered leaving me. I was no longer at my worst at this point, but I still wasn't right in the head. I had alienated her, neglected her and confused her. Even after all that though, ultimately love won out, and she decided to stay with me. She really did love me, and decided to tough it out until I was ready to be whole again. Despite the result, hearing what I had been doing snapped me out of it. The thought of losing her was the wake-up call I needed.

Now I feel as though I spent much of the month of February asleep. I wasn't really here. I was not at all myself. When faced with the possible end of my marriage things seemed to fall into perspective a little better. The fog lifted and my eyes readjusted to the light. The problems I had been concentrating on so intently were not only unsolvable, but irrelevent and not worth my energy anymore.

Since shrugging off my silly, selfish funk, I feel great ALL the time. I have actually been sleeping well, for the first time in many many months, I wake up feeling ready to face the day, and ready to try to do everything I can to make Meg feel loved and appreciated like she deserves. I feel like I'm taking in and enjoying more of the world around me than I have in a long time. The weather is great, and I'm a working actor who loves his life, his wife, and his work.

Ah.

Why just stop and smell the roses? Why not be the roses?

*****************************

In case you haven't heard the hullabaloo, the South Park goons took a two-pronged stab at Scientology and Tom Cruise, but Comedy Central caved to pressure and pulled the episode. These now infamous believers of the rantings of a dead con man are known for being extremely letigious, and there are rumors that Tom Cruise also made threats about bailing on MI3 publicity tours. See, if the rumor is true, that threat would work because Viacom is the company that owns both Comedy Central and Paramount, the latter being the studio that made MI3. As if any publicity will make that stillborn piece of crap a hit. But whatever the reason, the episode was pulled.

Fortunately for us, we live in the information age, and even if Comedy Central won't air it, it's already out there, and they can't take it back. You can watch the episode for free, in it's entirety HERE.

The episode really isn't there best work, but they give you a taste of what Scientologists actually believe, for those of you who don't know. It involves the spirits of aliens who died 75 million years ago, and Trey and Matt DIDN'T make that up. L. Ron Hubbard did. Also, the ending of the episode, and the credits are hilarious.

Isaac Hayes, who has voiced Chef for almost ten years, walked away from the show over this mess. He's a scientologist, and they are not known for taking criticism of any kind, even parody, very well. What I find interesting is that Hayes stayed on the show through many stabs at Christianity, Judaism, Islam, etc. It was only when they finally came knocking on his own door that he got indignant about it. Hypocrite

I think that scientologists are so sensitive about criticism and parody because on a gut level they really do know that their beliefs are a rejected script for a bad 1950's B-movie, they just refuse to acknowledge it.

My Dickon Moment

I am currently playing Dickon in a production of The Secret Garden. Going into it I was not exactly enthused. I have been sound designing for one specific children's theatre for three years now, and I think my frustrating experiences there have colored my view of theatre for youth in general. But I must admit, after a couple of weeks rehearsal, this is actually sizing up to be a pretty decent show. It's got some very fun moments, and some very interesting conventions, especially those that establish India in the very beginning of the play. You should come see it. Click HERE for info.

For those of you who don't know the story, it's mostly about two kids, Mary and Colin, living in an old country manor house in the backwaters of Britain around 1910 or so. They are both sort of pushed aside and forgotten by the adults, and as a result are not healthy emotionally or physically. They find a way into a locked garden on the manor grounds that becomes their own secret playground. With the help of an older boy, Dickon, they bring the garden, and themselves back to life. (insert "awe" here)

Yes, it's sappy. But it's cute and fun, so bugger off.

Dickon's schtick is that he is so in touch with nature that within the world of the play he can literally talk with animals. I actually have a couple conversations with a robin. Shut up, it's cute.

Today, I was having a lovely lunch sitting in the grass under a small tree in front of Tempe City Hall. I was enjoying some gala apple slices and throwing the bits of core out into the grass. Sometimes, I have an overactive imagination and scenes play out in my head. As I was throwing my refuse into the grass right in front of Tempe City Hall, I had one such scene run through my mind.

Lights up on Joey eating apple slices. Miscellaneous City Official Enters, polishes his shiny, gold badge. Joey throws a particularly large bit of food away from him. Misc City Official gasps, marches over to Joey in a huff.

Misc City Official: Excuse me! Young man! What do you think you're doing? You are littering in front of City Hall! Do you have any idea what the fine is for that?! Come with me!

Me: Relax. It's not littering. It's biodegradable. Besides, the birds will eat it and it will be gone in five minutes anyway...

Then the thought occured to me; would the birds eat it? Would birds eat apple cores? I actually didn't know, but it sounded reasonable.

As if to answer the question in my mind a family of small, brown birds swooped down from a tree nearby. They saw me sitting a little too close for comfort so they sort of hopped casually around the apple bits, as if to say what? there are apple bits here? Why, I hadn't noticed! All the while pretending not to be terribly alert to the six foot tall person-shaped thing nearby. I tried to sit as still as I could, and after a few moments they changed their tune. Well, I suppose... I mean, you're not going to...? ...no? Well, okay, but just one, I've got to watch that chickish figure, mating season is around the corner, you know!

Dickon lives.

COMMENTS:

"My Dickon Moment"? Goddammit Joey. You're like David Cross's character on Arrested Development.
Guillermo 03.18.06 - 3:01 am

... I have watched that show quite a lot, and I have no clue what you are talking about. How?
It was supposed to be a dorky homage to Scrubs, actually. The title of every episode begins with "My." Like My Big Brother, or My Screw Up.
Joey 03.18.06 - 11:29 am

Tee hee. Joey, just think of any homophones for the title "My Dicken Moment." You innocent little scamp.
Guillermo 03.19.06 - 7:46 pm

HAHAHAHAHA.
The episode with the tape-recorder!
How did i miss that?
Joey 03.20.06 - 1:35 am

Photographic Evidence


Josh around 8 pm ish. Clearly already lit.


The sweet ride.


A really crappy cigar. La Gloria Cubana. Blech. Sure looks good though.


So, GURG, you want to question whether or not you were the drunkest, eh?


I rest my case.

Bachelor Party: The Sequel!

This one was for our dear friend, Mr Crohn, who is tying the knot three weeks and about an hour from right now.

We started out at The Yard House, a moderately upscale American (or white people food) restaurant in Scottsdale Fashion Square. There we ate, drank, and were merry. Some of us were a little more merry than others. The Groom-To-Be was plastered across the walls by about 7:45 by my recollection. Once in this state, he kept saying "I want a steak" over and over again. I want a steak. I want a steak. I want a steak. It was like some weird, drunken, carnivorous mantra. After ordering, and receiving said steak, Nick G left the table to use the restroom. While Nick was up, Josh left his seat and his precious steak and sat down at Nick's chair and calmly started eating Nick's burger without comment.

When Nick returned he announced "You'd think in a nice place like this they'd have something nicer than a trough in the bathroom." Now, for the ladies reading, and those men that have never had the pleasure of a trough-style urinal, allow me to explain. Sometimes in places like ballparks and other large public venues the men's bathrooms will have free-standing troughs to pee in. Men and boys stand side-by-side as their urine mingles on it's way down the common steel drain. Kind of weird, and as Nick said, out of place at a swanky Scottsdale steak house.

I had already been in the bathroom myself, and I quickly realized what had probably happened to Nick. He was a little drunk, and as such might have been easily confused. I responded with "There is no trough urinal in there. There's a trough sink." Nick's eyes widened and he smiled a guilty, laughing smile. I continued "Nick, you didn't pee in the sink, did you?" He laughed a short second and said "No. of course not" with that tone that said, yes, yes I did, now let's move on.

From here we had a brief Xbox break at Nick C's and then hopped a limo and went to Papago Brewing where I discovered my new favorite beer of all time. This was better even than my previous favorite, Four Peak's Oatmeal Stout. It's called Wexford's Irish Cream Ale. It has the creamy rich head of a stout, with the lighter texture and flavor of an irish ale. It was mild and smooth, but without being bland and boring like so many milder beers can be. SoooOOOooOOOo good.

We continued on by crashing Matt Summerfield's party, and then finished up at Sugar Daddy's in Scottsdale. I think it's safe to say that though we all reached at least a decent buzz at some point or another, that one Mr Lopez easily was the drunkest of the whole group. I recall one point at Matt's house when Gurg and Donovan started joking about how they get violent when they're drunk. I was chatting with Donovan's girlfriend Lauren as they were horsing around just outside my periphery. I'm not sure exactly what happened, but I think I heard the loud thud of G's fist against D's chest and saw D sail on a high arc through the air past me and Lauren and onto Matt's bed, laughing hysterically the whole way down. Imagine when Uncle Phil used to throw Jazz out of the house on Fresh Prince, but with laughing.

All in all we had a crap load of fun. Lots of great jokes, good food, good beer, and we got driven around all night like superstars. I hope Mr Crohn had as much fun as I did. If not, we'll just have to call that a dry run and do it again. And that (wink wink) would be a damn shame (wink wink).

After my own bachelor party I said something like "It's a shame you only get the one." But when I said that I wasn't taking into account that most of my guy friends will be having theirs too at some point, and by God I will fulfill my obligation of spending entirely too much money on booze and getting just a little too wasted for each and every one of the bastards.

It's my sacred duty.

Comments:

I've been trying to figure out why my hand hurt all day.
Guillermo 03.13.06 - 1:15 am

Why was the sink low enough for it to be convenient to pee there?
Edward Carter 03.13.06 - 2:01 am

I wish I didn't have finals. :-(
David DoBell 03.13.06 - 2:14 am

Ryan and I discussed it yesterday, and Ryan's pretty sure that Nick just made it seem like he had as a joke. He faked the embarrassed reaction because he knew it would be funny. He was right.
Joey 03.13.06 - 12:20 pm

Further evidence that Nick was too sober. For shame. I had a blast. My only regret was drinking too hard, too early, and taking myself out WAY too fast. My drinking will resemble a high-temp blackbox radiation curve next time.
Josh 03.13.06 - 4:00 pm

You ever have one of those periods where bad things happen? A lot of them, I mean. And they happen repeatedly, and in rapid succession so that for a while you feel as though if there were Powers That Be that you sure seem to have them pretty pissed off. Ever have that?

Ever have it in a very specific way? Like say... involving cars?

I had a couple months like that. Noel and I were plowed by an intoxicated girl who ran a red light. Days later Meg's Dad was slammed into by a guy who was just not paying attention. Incidentally, Meg's Dad was driving the rental we received to replace the car totalled by the drunk girl. It too was totalled. Then a day or two later, another drunk girl expertly guided her car over a speed hump at 60 miles per hour in a residential zone straight into the rear end of Meg's aunt's giant SUV.

After a while I got cocky apparently. I felt as though those Powers That Be guys were easing up a little. Meg's mom's car is a wonderful temporary replacement, and I'm even more alert than before, behind the wheel. Not to mention that my new show started rehearsing, and I got offered another gig for the summer. Things seemed to be leveling out.

This past weekend Meg's sister's car died, and Meg's mom was in town, and they needed her car back, so we were left carless for a couple days. I had to take the bus, which I don't really mind, but to catch the bus that got me to theatre on time I had to get up at 6:30 am. BLECH! And for the rest of the week we're stuck with Liz's ancient little white car, because she drove her mom's car back home to Tucson. Damn.

Then, this morning I found out my boss's car was stolen, driven out into the desert and torched. We're talking doused with something flammable and burned to hell. A brand new 2006 Audi A3, (a $30,000 machine) is now a twisted and black heap of ash. Less than 2500 miles on it too. I wouldn't spend that much on a car, but it's a damn shame anyway.

And finally, just now I found out that my good friend Julia was in a wreck on the freeway. According to Meg, she's fine, but her car is totalled. Thank god she's fine, but there goes ANOTHER car of someone I'm close to.

Oh, Great Powers That Be how many cars will be enough? How many cars must fall before your might before you will be satisfied? Oh, by the way, thanks for making sure all the people were okay when calling the cars home to your breast. We really appreciate that. And we're all very very impressed down here. Very.

God I wish this town had a subway.

Comments:

Rule of threes.
jess 03.09.06 - 7:08 pm

...threes?
1 Me
2 Meg's Dad
3 Meg's aunt
4 Liz
5 My new boss
6 Julia Vega
It's a multiple of 3, i guess.
Joey 03.09.06 - 8:38 pm

I thought the rule of threes had to do with anything you do to someone else coming back against you, except increased by a factor of three.
Edward Carter 03.09.06 - 9:18 pm

I heard factor of 10 for karmic retribution.
Josh 03.09.06 - 10:18 pm

Ed, you are correct according to most Pagan religions... or so Meg tells me. But what Jess meant was major events seem to take place in groups of threes. Like celebrity deaths. You've never heard that?
Josh, I've heard that ten thing before too, but not sure what origin it actually has.
Joey 03.10.06 - 3:35 am

The context I always heard that in was from high school girls who claimed to be Wiccan because they liked the fashion, i.e., it's full of crap. Probably a bastardization of what Ed was talking about.
"You know, it's like if you do something bad, you're going to totally get it back like ten times worse or something."
Josh 03.10.06 - 4:44 pm

Yes Joey, that is what I'm referring to, and the first three and the second three had a bit of time between.
See you tonight , and that's not a dirty wink you whore.
jess 03.10.06 - 5:03 pm

Josh, that would definitely be a bastardization of the 3 thing that Ed is referring to. As far as I know that is a common thread among most of the traditions like wiccan that fall under the category of pagan.
Jess, sorry to say, you won't see me tonight. I liked the dirty wink though.
Joey 03.10.06 - 7:33 pm

I think the thing Jess is talking about is an example of what I've heard mathematicians refer to as the "law of small numbers."
The law goes something like this: there are various phenomena that are inherently associated to small integers. For instance, the number of car wrecks a person gets into over a period of a few months has to be a small integer, because half a car wreck doesn't make sense, and the probability of one person being involved in hundreds of separate car wrecks over a short period of time is just too small. There are plenty of other examples, some of which are even purely mathematical. Once you have things that are associated to small integers, different phenomena will be associated to the same small integer. Sometimes, especially in the case of purely mathematical phenonema, this leads people to search for some significance to this fact. However, the only significance tends to be that there just aren't enough small integers to go around, so it's just a coincidence.
That's what this rule of threes sounds like.
Edward Carter 03.11.06 - 12:16 pm

What he said.
jess 03.11.06 - 3:21 pm

wow, Ed. I kind of think it's really just one of those wacky things that people say, you know? Saying that "these things always happen in threes" is like saying that cracking your knuckles leads to arthritis, or something like that. Or like saying that sacrificing a rabbit on the night of a full moon will bring a great bounty of grapefruit to your great uncle's condo in Florida.

Er... scratch that last one. That one may just be me.
Joey 03.12.06 - 6:47 pm

Sigh. Sometimes, life is good.

I started work on a Production of The Secret Garden on Tuesday. G-rated theatre for kids is not my first choice of a gig, but it's money, and it's acting, so I'm not complaining much.

Tuesday was our first read-through. At the end of the read our director, Adam, asked me to stay after for a second. Instantly, the fragile ego of an actor kicked in, and I assumed the worst. Oh god, he hated my dialect. He thinks I'm crap. Or maybe I'm just in trouble. What did I do? It's just the first day! How could I screw up on the first day?

Adam: I have this project coming up this summer...

Oh thank god!

Adam: It's in Ohio. It's $250 per week, plus free housing. You'd leave on May 20, and you'd come back on September 2. I think you're great for one of the leads.

...wait ...what now?

The show is in an outdoor ampitheatre in southern Ohio that seats 1800 people per show, and it's called Tecumseh. It's a story of the clash between the natives and the whites in the west during the post revolutionary, pre-civil war era. I'll be playing a man named Blue Jacket. I looked him up on WIKIPEDIA, just to find some more info on him, and this is what I found:

Little is known of Blue Jacket's early life. In 1877, decades after his death, a story was published claiming that Blue Jacket was in fact a white man named Marmaduke Van Swearingen, who had been captured and adopted by the Shawnee around the time of the American Revolutionary War. This story was popularized in books written by Allan Eckert, and remains well known in Ohio, where an outdoor drama celebrating the life of the white Indian chief is performed year after year in Xenia, Ohio.

That outdoor drama is, in fact, what I will be appearing in. How cool is that?!

Apparently I'm going to have fourteen hour long days for the first two and a half weeks of rehearsal, but I'm told they go quickly. They break up the day into blocks no longer than an hour and a half, so that the day doesn't feel like one big long thing, but several smaller things. I'll have a fight call, then a horseback riding call, then some scene work, then dance call, then maybe fight call again, etc. Plus there is an hour and a half each for lunch and dinner.

More tomorrow.


Comments:

Way to go Joe, you might find this interesting as well.
When I was in Oregon I looked at my famiy tree album my aunt had compiled. The original family name on my mother's side is Van Swearingen, who originally came from Holland in the 1700's.
And my grandma has talked about this numerous times how we are direct descendents of Bluejacket.
Brian 03.02.06 - 11:08 pm

Congrats
I find it interesting that he shares the same last name as the guy from Deadwood. It's almost enough to bring out the conspiracy theorist in me :D
Josh 03.02.06 - 11:19 pm

Your post and the comments above further support my theory: Ya can't go wrong with a Swearingen.
Guillermo 03.03.06 - 5:04 am

Personally, I think they should cast you as an American Indian. I'd love to see you "woo, woo, wooing" around and building teepees and talking to wolves and stuff. Because that's basically what Indians do. They could put some shoe polish on your face and wrap a diaper around you and you'd be good to go. Damn Indians. They really stalled Manifest Destiny.
Ugh, I cringe as I read that. What's wrong with me? Actually, to be serious, I've been doing quite a bit of research about the move westward and the relationship between the US Government and the Native tribes for a book I'm writing. I'm really interested in this Blue Jacket fella, and wish I could go see the play.
Have fun in exotic Ohio. Don't forget your swimsuit and tanning lotion.
Josh Hagler 03.04.06 - 4:07 pm

Hagler, you crack me up, man
Stalled manifest destiny. Nice.
Joey 03.04.06 - 4:13 pm

if i may?
its actually called:
Tecumseh!
with an exclaimation point!
HOORAY!
Megling 03.04.06 - 9:14 pm

I am in favor of Joey talking to wolves.
Edward Carter 03.05.06 - 11:59 am

As long as he can talk the wolves into not eating him, that is.
Edward Carter 03.06.06 - 5:17 am