Part III
...then I wrote...
The hideous beast let loose a bellow that rattled the Witch's finely
crafted chandeliers, and then strangely it seemed to carefully hide an
effeminate snicker. You see it's a little know fact in The FarOff
Lands that Princess Noel of The Land Of Poop is actually the great
great great grand-daughter of Glinda The Good Witch Of Chicago. Noel's
skills couldn't compare to her formidable ancestor's, but she still
had a few tricks up her sleeve.
Princess Noel's spellbook was limited. She had a spell for a mean
scrambled eggs, a palatable spaghetti, and a spell of Hideous
Illusions. That last spell, while useless in the kitchen, just may
have saved her here.
The thing about the Hideous Illusions spell is it needs the basic
elements of Hideousness to enhance, and Noel, being tied for fairest
in the land, is hardly hideous. Hence the gaudy costume that made the
guards shrug. In the confines of her tiny, cramped tower cell she had
little materials to work with. What she did have was a fully equipped
bathroom. She strapped the two toilet plungers onto the sides of her
head, wrapped her calves in leg-warmers made from toilet paper, and
for the finishing touches of tattered clothes she had to use that
dress. The most beautful dress she had ever seen. Tears streamed down
her cheeks as she shredded the garment into a loincloth and halter.
...mmmmm....
Ahem, sorry, the narrarator got a bit distracted there... mmmmm....
Ahem.
As soon as she was in place in her few precious seconds of blackout
she said the handful of magic words that would activate her bathroom
ogre costume into a full-fledged, yelling, angry, poo-flinging ogre.
"Hideo illusinonous poopus magicus, OLE!"
Which brings us back to where we left off.
With the rise of the curtain some guests fled for the doors, others
were locked into their seats like deer in headlights. Fear and outrage
were warring for dominance in the Witch's mind. Fear had outrage at a
disadvantage, it had taken the high ground in a superb imitation of
General Ulysses S. Grant's strategy at Flopper Hill. Just when it
looked like fear had outrage by the balls, outrage called for
reinforcements and outflanked fear. Fear was captured, stripped of
rank, and sent into exile.
Her outrage having taken hold the Witch leapt from her seat and
leveled her wand squarely at the Noel/ogre. Noel expected this, and
bowled over the Witch before she had time to utter any magic words,
knocking the wand from her hands.
Now the Witch was staring down a snarling, angry ogre and she was
unarmed! it would appear that the Witch's fear saw it's opening and
caught outrage offguard and had it locked in the brig. The Witch began
to tremble, and was just about to turn tail and run when some thing
strange happened. Suddenly and without warning one of the ogres ears
fell off.
"Crap" Princess Noel thought. Her costume was only designed to scare
people off so she could sneak away, she hadn't expected the necessity
of tackling the Witch and the wear and tear was taking it's toll. The
"ear" that the Witch saw was actually the left plunger. Just then the
skin of the ogre's right leg began to sag and slide down , much to the
Witch's abject horror and confusion. No time to waste, Noel had to act
fast.
"RAARGH" she bellowed in her best ogre voice, and shoved the Witch
aside and began running for the door. Unfortunately for Princess Noel,
she hadn't been sleeping enough lately (what with all the
costume-making late at night) and her catlike grace had been failing
her. As she made her flight for the door she tripped and face-planted
about three yards away. The impact caused what was left of the costume
to erupt in a shower of fairy dust. The illusion shattered, our
heroine was left panting and barely clothed at the feet of her captor.
...mmmmmm....
Ahem. It was then that outrage made it's final grab for power in the
Witch and had fear executed alltogether. It had brought a friend this
time: seething fury.
"GUARDS!! SEIZE HER!!"
...After a long moment the Witch and Noel realized that no guards were
coming. The sight of their liege lady being trampled by a slobbering
ogre apparently cleared the room. It was just The Witch and The
Princess, mano a mano... or womano a womano as it were...
DUN DUN DAAAAAAAAA!!!
TO BE CONTINUED...
Monday, May 30, 2005
Then Noel wrote...
So Princess Noel was bored out of her mind, besides being pissed off
that she was kidnapped, so she decided to put on a show to entertain
herself. When the Wicked Witch of Ohio learned of what Princess Noel
was doing, she decided to show off Noel's extensive talent to her
friends and relatives. She planned a big party and informed Princess
Noel of her plan. Having this information, the Princess began to work
out a plan of escape. The Wicked Witch of Ohio noticed that Princess
Noel had increased her work extensively and was pleased, thinking that
Noel had begun to actually feel affectionate towards the bitter old
woman, but, sadly for her, it was only the Princess weaving her web of
deception. (mua ha ha haaaa) So the Witch sent out her invitations to
all of her friends:
Friends and Relatives!
You are cordially invited
To the Coply Ohio Castle
On Saturday, May 25th
For the unveiling of a
New and exciting performer.
This performance will be the beginning of
An ongoing festival running through May 31st.
Please RSVP by way of Flying Monkey
Questions? Call the
OINGEAGWEDDINGPLANNERSJIONGES
Vallet parking will be provided
($10 fee for Dragon Parking - Visa and Mastercard accepted.)
Sincerely,
- The Wicked witch of ohio -
Well, this, of course, stirred up quite a lot of excitement being that
no one was ever invited to visit the Wicked Witch of Ohio, nor did they
want to, but this seemed like a good enough reason. They sent out their
flying monkeys and the Wicked Witch of Ohio was pleased to see the
invitations flooding in each day. She even became so confident in the
success of her party and festival that she invited several members of
the press to come and write reviews. While this was going on, Princess
Noel was incessantly working on her escape plan. After much anguish
over the plan, she was finally finished, and even one day early! So she
drank herself into oblivion and passed out.
The next day, the Witch came to get Princess Noel and found her passed
out on the floor, presumably from working so hard, and was pleased. She
decided just to let her sleep but leave a new dress for her to wear to
the opening. The Princess drowsily arose around 2 in the afternoon only
to find the most beautiful dress she had ever seen. The night arrived
and the Witch's henchmen were instructed to bring the Princess into the
main dining hall. They retrieved her and led her to the stage entrance.
The Wicked Witch of Ohio gave an opening speech, thanking everyone for
their attendance and welcoming them into her home, and without further
ado, announced the new performer and exited the stage to join the
audience as they ate their dinners, nervously wondering what everyone
would think but quite confident in her success.
The lights went up and there stood the fairest (ok, tied for fairest
with The Princess Meg) young lady they had ever seen. She stood frozen
under a blue light, posed in apprehension, and about to explode into
action. The audience drew in a breath and waited excitedly for the
first move, all twitching with anticipation. But the first mood did not
come for at least half a minute yet the audience could not seem to tear
their eyes away from the beautiful statuesque lady. All at once the
lights changed to red and rolling drums appeared out of nowhere,
beating out a rhythm, hard to follow, but followed the whole way, with
catlike fluidity and glass sharpness, by the figure on stage. The next
piece was this dancer suddenly transformed into a singer standing
center stage in a spotlight sending elegant opera music out over the
audience and enchanting them into her spell. They adored here. The rest
of the night played out in this fashion. Princess Noel switching her
type of performing art every single song for an hour and a half
straight and the audience's eyes fixed on her through it all.
After the last of the audience had grudgingly and sulkily filtered
out, the Wicked Witch of Ohio congratulated herself by throwing some
chickens off of the second highest tower (Princess Noel being locked in
the first highest tower upon her insistence) and watching them attempt
to fly down and land peacefully as they plummeted to the ground,
flapping and squawking the whole way. She then went to the kitchen and
fixed herself a newt sandwich and feeling particularly pleasant for
once, decided to go visit Princess Noel and congratulate her by
awarding her with some freedom. The Witch climbed to the tallest tower
and swung the heavy wooden door open, only to find Noel sitting on the
floor working quickly on something in the corner. The Princess stuffed
the project under the bed and turned to greet the witch with a small
wand-case that she'd sewn, pretending that the case had been what she
was working on. The Witch was flattered and almost felt bad about
taking the Princess Noel hostage, but not quite. As she stood in front
of the door, crunching her newt sandwich while legs and toes fell out
of the space between the bread, she informed Princess Noel of her newly
earned privileges. The Princess was delighted to know how well she'd
done, but even happier to find out that she was now allowed to wander
the castle and the grounds of it when escorted by four guards (because
two was definitely not enough due to her extensive weaponry training).
This new freedom meant that Princess Noel could scout for escape routs
and find the location of food and weaponry around the castle. She
thanked the Wicked Witch of Ohio and after the Witch left for bed began
working on part two of her plan.
The next day she took full advantage of her new allowance to wander
around by rising early and covering the entirety of the castle grounds,
telling the guards that she was compensating for the lack of exercise
she got while up in that stuffy cramped little tower. They gladly
obliged as they, too, had grown fond of the Princess and followed her
wherever she pleased. The night came on and Princess Noel was taken
back to the tower to prepare for her second performance. The Witch sent
the guards to bring her to the stage. Upon arriving to take her away,
they opened the door and found her wearing the queerest outfit. They
supposed that it must be in fashion and that the Witch had given it to
her to wear, since they had seen the Witch walking with some sort of
clothing folded in her arms earlier that day. So, shrugging their
shoulders, they escorted her down to the stage entrance.
As the lights went up and the audience gasped and shrieked! Standing
there before them was a woman? A man? Dear god! What is that thing?!?
The most horrific looking creature stood on the stage and blinked out
at them. A few people ran for the door, others just sat stiffly in
their chairs waiting for what would happen next. The Witch froze where
she sat...
DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUN!
To be continued...
So Princess Noel was bored out of her mind, besides being pissed off
that she was kidnapped, so she decided to put on a show to entertain
herself. When the Wicked Witch of Ohio learned of what Princess Noel
was doing, she decided to show off Noel's extensive talent to her
friends and relatives. She planned a big party and informed Princess
Noel of her plan. Having this information, the Princess began to work
out a plan of escape. The Wicked Witch of Ohio noticed that Princess
Noel had increased her work extensively and was pleased, thinking that
Noel had begun to actually feel affectionate towards the bitter old
woman, but, sadly for her, it was only the Princess weaving her web of
deception. (mua ha ha haaaa) So the Witch sent out her invitations to
all of her friends:
Friends and Relatives!
You are cordially invited
To the Coply Ohio Castle
On Saturday, May 25th
For the unveiling of a
New and exciting performer.
This performance will be the beginning of
An ongoing festival running through May 31st.
Please RSVP by way of Flying Monkey
Questions? Call the
OINGEAGWEDDINGPLANNERSJIONGES
Vallet parking will be provided
($10 fee for Dragon Parking - Visa and Mastercard accepted.)
Sincerely,
- The Wicked witch of ohio -
Well, this, of course, stirred up quite a lot of excitement being that
no one was ever invited to visit the Wicked Witch of Ohio, nor did they
want to, but this seemed like a good enough reason. They sent out their
flying monkeys and the Wicked Witch of Ohio was pleased to see the
invitations flooding in each day. She even became so confident in the
success of her party and festival that she invited several members of
the press to come and write reviews. While this was going on, Princess
Noel was incessantly working on her escape plan. After much anguish
over the plan, she was finally finished, and even one day early! So she
drank herself into oblivion and passed out.
The next day, the Witch came to get Princess Noel and found her passed
out on the floor, presumably from working so hard, and was pleased. She
decided just to let her sleep but leave a new dress for her to wear to
the opening. The Princess drowsily arose around 2 in the afternoon only
to find the most beautiful dress she had ever seen. The night arrived
and the Witch's henchmen were instructed to bring the Princess into the
main dining hall. They retrieved her and led her to the stage entrance.
The Wicked Witch of Ohio gave an opening speech, thanking everyone for
their attendance and welcoming them into her home, and without further
ado, announced the new performer and exited the stage to join the
audience as they ate their dinners, nervously wondering what everyone
would think but quite confident in her success.
The lights went up and there stood the fairest (ok, tied for fairest
with The Princess Meg) young lady they had ever seen. She stood frozen
under a blue light, posed in apprehension, and about to explode into
action. The audience drew in a breath and waited excitedly for the
first move, all twitching with anticipation. But the first mood did not
come for at least half a minute yet the audience could not seem to tear
their eyes away from the beautiful statuesque lady. All at once the
lights changed to red and rolling drums appeared out of nowhere,
beating out a rhythm, hard to follow, but followed the whole way, with
catlike fluidity and glass sharpness, by the figure on stage. The next
piece was this dancer suddenly transformed into a singer standing
center stage in a spotlight sending elegant opera music out over the
audience and enchanting them into her spell. They adored here. The rest
of the night played out in this fashion. Princess Noel switching her
type of performing art every single song for an hour and a half
straight and the audience's eyes fixed on her through it all.
After the last of the audience had grudgingly and sulkily filtered
out, the Wicked Witch of Ohio congratulated herself by throwing some
chickens off of the second highest tower (Princess Noel being locked in
the first highest tower upon her insistence) and watching them attempt
to fly down and land peacefully as they plummeted to the ground,
flapping and squawking the whole way. She then went to the kitchen and
fixed herself a newt sandwich and feeling particularly pleasant for
once, decided to go visit Princess Noel and congratulate her by
awarding her with some freedom. The Witch climbed to the tallest tower
and swung the heavy wooden door open, only to find Noel sitting on the
floor working quickly on something in the corner. The Princess stuffed
the project under the bed and turned to greet the witch with a small
wand-case that she'd sewn, pretending that the case had been what she
was working on. The Witch was flattered and almost felt bad about
taking the Princess Noel hostage, but not quite. As she stood in front
of the door, crunching her newt sandwich while legs and toes fell out
of the space between the bread, she informed Princess Noel of her newly
earned privileges. The Princess was delighted to know how well she'd
done, but even happier to find out that she was now allowed to wander
the castle and the grounds of it when escorted by four guards (because
two was definitely not enough due to her extensive weaponry training).
This new freedom meant that Princess Noel could scout for escape routs
and find the location of food and weaponry around the castle. She
thanked the Wicked Witch of Ohio and after the Witch left for bed began
working on part two of her plan.
The next day she took full advantage of her new allowance to wander
around by rising early and covering the entirety of the castle grounds,
telling the guards that she was compensating for the lack of exercise
she got while up in that stuffy cramped little tower. They gladly
obliged as they, too, had grown fond of the Princess and followed her
wherever she pleased. The night came on and Princess Noel was taken
back to the tower to prepare for her second performance. The Witch sent
the guards to bring her to the stage. Upon arriving to take her away,
they opened the door and found her wearing the queerest outfit. They
supposed that it must be in fashion and that the Witch had given it to
her to wear, since they had seen the Witch walking with some sort of
clothing folded in her arms earlier that day. So, shrugging their
shoulders, they escorted her down to the stage entrance.
As the lights went up and the audience gasped and shrieked! Standing
there before them was a woman? A man? Dear god! What is that thing?!?
The most horrific looking creature stood on the stage and blinked out
at them. A few people ran for the door, others just sat stiffly in
their chairs waiting for what would happen next. The Witch froze where
she sat...
DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUN!
To be continued...
Sunday, May 29, 2005
So, this girl named Noel is currently stuck in Ohio on a family trip and she's bored out of her mind. I wrote her the following fairytale to cheer her up. In the days to come there will be further installments, written by Noel and myself.
Once upon a time there was a land called The Land Of Poop. In this
strangely-named land was a princess named Noel.
Noel was the fairest princess in all the land...
well, okay she was tied for "fairest" with the Princess Meg, but the
narrarator is a bit biased. :-)
So, anyway, there was this really hot princess and she was whisked away
to FarOff Lands by The Wicked Witch of Ohio. In the Land of Poop there
was much sadness at the loss of The Lady Noel. The skies clouded over,
food stopped tasting as good, the peasents stopped peasenting, and all
the farm animals learned how to fly and they all flew away... well,
all except the chickens. Apparently even with magic, chickens just
can't seem to figure out autonomous flight.
So Princess Noel was taken to these FarOff Lands in chains, and locked
up in a dark tower by the Witch. Here's where it gets good. Oh yeah,
this is where the story really takes off. I mean, WOW, this is the
good part. Are you ready? You sure? Ok. Here it comes...
...TO BE CONTINUED
Once upon a time there was a land called The Land Of Poop. In this
strangely-named land was a princess named Noel.
Noel was the fairest princess in all the land...
well, okay she was tied for "fairest" with the Princess Meg, but the
narrarator is a bit biased. :-)
So, anyway, there was this really hot princess and she was whisked away
to FarOff Lands by The Wicked Witch of Ohio. In the Land of Poop there
was much sadness at the loss of The Lady Noel. The skies clouded over,
food stopped tasting as good, the peasents stopped peasenting, and all
the farm animals learned how to fly and they all flew away... well,
all except the chickens. Apparently even with magic, chickens just
can't seem to figure out autonomous flight.
So Princess Noel was taken to these FarOff Lands in chains, and locked
up in a dark tower by the Witch. Here's where it gets good. Oh yeah,
this is where the story really takes off. I mean, WOW, this is the
good part. Are you ready? You sure? Ok. Here it comes...
...TO BE CONTINUED
Friday, May 27, 2005
I was chatting with a friend today about relationship history and whatnot, and I told the story of when I first knew I was in love with Meg. I thought it was a good one, so here goes:
I had been dating Erin Hopkins for a week, maybe two. I was in dress rehearsals for a production of Howard Korder's Boys' Life, and Meg was our sound board operator. She was also very close friends with Erin. One night before rehearsal Meg walked in and told me that Erin said hi. I responded by telling her that I had called Erin just moments before and left her a voicemail to say I was thinking of her. I will never forget Meg's response.
"Awe, how--" She started off with a very soft, girly-girl tone and facial expression that said the next word would be "cute." You know, "Awe, how cute." Like that. On the last word the face and tone abruptly changed and she actually said "Awe, how disgusting." I was mildly irritated, but I could tell she was just kidding.
My car situation then was the same as it is now: I don't have one. So every night some member of the cast or crew gave me a ride home. This particular night my usual rides couldn't take me for one reason or another. Meg overheard me asking people for rides and offered.
The drive from campus to my apartment was only about fifteen minutes, but it was a fifteen minutes jam-packed with interesting conversation. She was smart, funny, and could dish out the sarcasm just as good as me. I was intrigued... When we pulled up to my building I wanted to invite her up, but then I remembered Erin. Damn damn damn. Oh well. Maybe the chemistry is only in my head. So, I let her go.
The next night I didn't even have to look for a ride, Meg offered again. This time something happened that will be forever burned into my memory. We were stopped at the light at Rural & Southern when some jackass pulled up next to the driver's side. He started cat-calling at Meg and making kissy faces and the usual neanderthal male behavior.
I don't remember which one of us was talking at that moment, but the conversation tried to continue despite Captain Moron's attempts at wooing Meg. Finally, it got to be too much for her.
"Excuse me a sec." she said as she calmly rolled down the window. When it was down the guy stopped hooting in anticipation of whatever Meg was going to say.
"F**K OFF!!"
To the other guy it looked like a punch had struck him instead of words. Just then the light turned green and we were off.
It was right there. That was the moment that I knew she was the girl of my dreams. That incident made her not only smart, funny, and fun to talk to, but also she had balls! Big ones!
This time when we got to my building I didn't hesitate. I invited her up and she sat on my couch talking with me until damn near sunrise, and then she slept over. We kissed a couple times, but nothing more. Not until after I fixed one little loose end.
Shortly after that I told Erin the truth, and that was that. She was really hurt at first, but after seeing the string of guys she dated after me, we quickly figured out that her and I would have been a terrible match anyway. She liked guys that treated her like crap, and messed with her head constantly. She would've been bored with me in maybe two more weeks.
I had been dating Erin Hopkins for a week, maybe two. I was in dress rehearsals for a production of Howard Korder's Boys' Life, and Meg was our sound board operator. She was also very close friends with Erin. One night before rehearsal Meg walked in and told me that Erin said hi. I responded by telling her that I had called Erin just moments before and left her a voicemail to say I was thinking of her. I will never forget Meg's response.
"Awe, how--" She started off with a very soft, girly-girl tone and facial expression that said the next word would be "cute." You know, "Awe, how cute." Like that. On the last word the face and tone abruptly changed and she actually said "Awe, how disgusting." I was mildly irritated, but I could tell she was just kidding.
My car situation then was the same as it is now: I don't have one. So every night some member of the cast or crew gave me a ride home. This particular night my usual rides couldn't take me for one reason or another. Meg overheard me asking people for rides and offered.
The drive from campus to my apartment was only about fifteen minutes, but it was a fifteen minutes jam-packed with interesting conversation. She was smart, funny, and could dish out the sarcasm just as good as me. I was intrigued... When we pulled up to my building I wanted to invite her up, but then I remembered Erin. Damn damn damn. Oh well. Maybe the chemistry is only in my head. So, I let her go.
The next night I didn't even have to look for a ride, Meg offered again. This time something happened that will be forever burned into my memory. We were stopped at the light at Rural & Southern when some jackass pulled up next to the driver's side. He started cat-calling at Meg and making kissy faces and the usual neanderthal male behavior.
I don't remember which one of us was talking at that moment, but the conversation tried to continue despite Captain Moron's attempts at wooing Meg. Finally, it got to be too much for her.
"Excuse me a sec." she said as she calmly rolled down the window. When it was down the guy stopped hooting in anticipation of whatever Meg was going to say.
"F**K OFF!!"
To the other guy it looked like a punch had struck him instead of words. Just then the light turned green and we were off.
It was right there. That was the moment that I knew she was the girl of my dreams. That incident made her not only smart, funny, and fun to talk to, but also she had balls! Big ones!
This time when we got to my building I didn't hesitate. I invited her up and she sat on my couch talking with me until damn near sunrise, and then she slept over. We kissed a couple times, but nothing more. Not until after I fixed one little loose end.
Shortly after that I told Erin the truth, and that was that. She was really hurt at first, but after seeing the string of guys she dated after me, we quickly figured out that her and I would have been a terrible match anyway. She liked guys that treated her like crap, and messed with her head constantly. She would've been bored with me in maybe two more weeks.
Monday, May 23, 2005
Dilettante
I just realized that I am that guy. I am the guy in the movie or the television show who jumps from one idea to the next, never seeing anything through to fruition.
A couple years ago I had the idea to open up a nightclub/theatre/gallery to give new, young work a home in the valley. Somewhere in between the budget planning and searching for avenues for funding I got discouraged and that one fizzled out.
Last year I decided to put together a HOMESTAR-esque flash animation website. The first full meeting we had I had serious disagreements over leadership structure with the team I put together. That was the last meeting I ever called.
More recently I got really excited about training for professional volleyball tournaments. After a few unsuccessful attempts to secure a partner I lost interest.
Hopefully this time will be different.
Meg and I were having Arts and Crafts Day on saturday and I had aother idea. This one is equally as good, if not better, than any listed above, and Meg is excited too. Minutes after hearing it she already had incredible marketing strategies and loft, long term goals that I hadn't even considered.
I saw very quickly that she has a better head for business than I do and begged her to spearhead the operation for us. She runs the numbers games and then we will share the creative jobs. I mean, like I said, she is clearly better suited to it, but also I'm hoping she won't be as easily discouraged as I seem to be.
Wish us luck. More details will come if and when things become more than just ideas and goals.
I just realized that I am that guy. I am the guy in the movie or the television show who jumps from one idea to the next, never seeing anything through to fruition.
A couple years ago I had the idea to open up a nightclub/theatre/gallery to give new, young work a home in the valley. Somewhere in between the budget planning and searching for avenues for funding I got discouraged and that one fizzled out.
Last year I decided to put together a HOMESTAR-esque flash animation website. The first full meeting we had I had serious disagreements over leadership structure with the team I put together. That was the last meeting I ever called.
More recently I got really excited about training for professional volleyball tournaments. After a few unsuccessful attempts to secure a partner I lost interest.
Hopefully this time will be different.
Meg and I were having Arts and Crafts Day on saturday and I had aother idea. This one is equally as good, if not better, than any listed above, and Meg is excited too. Minutes after hearing it she already had incredible marketing strategies and loft, long term goals that I hadn't even considered.
I saw very quickly that she has a better head for business than I do and begged her to spearhead the operation for us. She runs the numbers games and then we will share the creative jobs. I mean, like I said, she is clearly better suited to it, but also I'm hoping she won't be as easily discouraged as I seem to be.
Wish us luck. More details will come if and when things become more than just ideas and goals.
Friday, May 20, 2005
Just when I started slipping into a funk, just when I felt like I didn't have a motivated bone in my body I find myself rejuvinated by finding that I have some kind of dedicated (albeit limited) fan base.
I got yelled at for my tease post about WEASELS making a comeback. It felt good to be slightly berated about it. People actually care whether or not I post.
Click the link and see the results.
*******************************
Besides that, all I have to share for today is these sage words of wisdom... okay, not so much sage words, but a funny historical quote.
"Every time I bestow a vacant office I make a hundred discontented persons and one ingrate."
--Louis XIV--
I got yelled at for my tease post about WEASELS making a comeback. It felt good to be slightly berated about it. People actually care whether or not I post.
Click the link and see the results.
*******************************
Besides that, all I have to share for today is these sage words of wisdom... okay, not so much sage words, but a funny historical quote.
"Every time I bestow a vacant office I make a hundred discontented persons and one ingrate."
--Louis XIV--
Thursday, May 19, 2005
Alpha Beta Delta
Last night I was at my favorite fast food restuarant, Chipotle, with my little brother when one of the funniest things I've ever seen came walking in the door.
The guy had to be about six foot three or four, with biceps as big as my thighs. He easily weighed a good 250 lbs of solid muscle. He was a very large, very buff mofo.
The reason I'm writing about him now is he was also one of the most arrogant pricks I've ever seen. Sometimes you can tell a lot about a person based on their carriage and their body language.
He swung the door open and came strutting through with this posture and this smug grin on his face that made me laugh out loud and nearly choke on my burrito. His walk was like the walk pimps used to do on 70's cop shows like Starsky and Hutch. With this I'm-so-great-that-I-own-all-of-you sweep of his eyes he surveyed the room as if to check to see if there were any other alphas that may wish to challenge his supremecy. Finding no takers he proceeded to the counter to order his dinner from the girl he clearly thought he was God's gift to.
As he left the counter he did another sweep of the room with his smug little grin as if to say to the room "That's right, I'm your daddy." This time he caught me looking at him with mirth in my eyes, but didn't seem to think I was worth the time. He's probably right. I mean how fun could it be to kick the ass of someone who is not only about half your size, but is also laughing at how rediculous a human being you are through the bloody nose?
And then as quickly as he had come, he left. Leaving me and Jon to ponder what makes a man into such an odious example of baser instincts.
Last night I was at my favorite fast food restuarant, Chipotle, with my little brother when one of the funniest things I've ever seen came walking in the door.
The guy had to be about six foot three or four, with biceps as big as my thighs. He easily weighed a good 250 lbs of solid muscle. He was a very large, very buff mofo.
The reason I'm writing about him now is he was also one of the most arrogant pricks I've ever seen. Sometimes you can tell a lot about a person based on their carriage and their body language.
He swung the door open and came strutting through with this posture and this smug grin on his face that made me laugh out loud and nearly choke on my burrito. His walk was like the walk pimps used to do on 70's cop shows like Starsky and Hutch. With this I'm-so-great-that-I-own-all-of-you sweep of his eyes he surveyed the room as if to check to see if there were any other alphas that may wish to challenge his supremecy. Finding no takers he proceeded to the counter to order his dinner from the girl he clearly thought he was God's gift to.
As he left the counter he did another sweep of the room with his smug little grin as if to say to the room "That's right, I'm your daddy." This time he caught me looking at him with mirth in my eyes, but didn't seem to think I was worth the time. He's probably right. I mean how fun could it be to kick the ass of someone who is not only about half your size, but is also laughing at how rediculous a human being you are through the bloody nose?
And then as quickly as he had come, he left. Leaving me and Jon to ponder what makes a man into such an odious example of baser instincts.
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Monday, May 16, 2005
I had a funny thought in the car the other day.
I was coasting along with traffic behind a guy who had one of those Jesus fish things on the back of his car. My mind started to wander...
Centuries after man has inevitably killed himself off, the world will continue to move on without humans themselves but with a vast collection of artifacts of our former glory. What will the archaeologists of future species or alien explorers think of their findings?
I mean you've got this Jesus fish and other related iconography EVERYWHERE thanks to various different Christian denominations the world over having spread like a fungus leaving their cross-shaped toadstools on everything they touch. The fish symbol, WWJD, crucifixes, commemorative plates, jewelry, t-shirts, churches, etc, etc.
Also consider the overall glut of modern iconography that is also EVERYWHERE. Corporate America spreading its spores just as much as, if not more than, it's religious cousin; Christianity. Billboards, bumper stickers, jewelry, t-shirts, malls, etc, etc. Names like Nike and Starbucks and Microsoft Windows all over everything you see.
Now faced with such a massive group of different imagery there is a strong possibility that these alien researchers could lump the two groups together. They just might make one of two possible assumptions:
1 Jesus and/or WWJD is in fact a brand name. They made everything from cars to bracelets. Diversification was, afterall, key in the business world of the late 20th and early 21st century human. Strangely they seemed to stay away from the equally profitable markets of beer and porno.
OR
2 Names and places like Nike and Starbucks and Microsoft are in fact deities worshipped by the late 20th and early 21st century human. They would congregate in immense cathedrals, called "malls." They would gather here and make large sacrifices of small slips of green paper decorated with cryptic and sacred designs in hopes that the Gods would provide them with fulfillment.
Funny thing is either theory would be reasonable for an outsider to make, and neither theory is entirely off the mark.
Food for thought.
I was coasting along with traffic behind a guy who had one of those Jesus fish things on the back of his car. My mind started to wander...
Centuries after man has inevitably killed himself off, the world will continue to move on without humans themselves but with a vast collection of artifacts of our former glory. What will the archaeologists of future species or alien explorers think of their findings?
I mean you've got this Jesus fish and other related iconography EVERYWHERE thanks to various different Christian denominations the world over having spread like a fungus leaving their cross-shaped toadstools on everything they touch. The fish symbol, WWJD, crucifixes, commemorative plates, jewelry, t-shirts, churches, etc, etc.
Also consider the overall glut of modern iconography that is also EVERYWHERE. Corporate America spreading its spores just as much as, if not more than, it's religious cousin; Christianity. Billboards, bumper stickers, jewelry, t-shirts, malls, etc, etc. Names like Nike and Starbucks and Microsoft Windows all over everything you see.
Now faced with such a massive group of different imagery there is a strong possibility that these alien researchers could lump the two groups together. They just might make one of two possible assumptions:
1 Jesus and/or WWJD is in fact a brand name. They made everything from cars to bracelets. Diversification was, afterall, key in the business world of the late 20th and early 21st century human. Strangely they seemed to stay away from the equally profitable markets of beer and porno.
OR
2 Names and places like Nike and Starbucks and Microsoft are in fact deities worshipped by the late 20th and early 21st century human. They would congregate in immense cathedrals, called "malls." They would gather here and make large sacrifices of small slips of green paper decorated with cryptic and sacred designs in hopes that the Gods would provide them with fulfillment.
Funny thing is either theory would be reasonable for an outsider to make, and neither theory is entirely off the mark.
Food for thought.
Friday, May 13, 2005
Training Day For Ursa
I began the challenging task of training Louise's dog today. It's roughly six or seven months old and it clearly thinks that it runs the show around here. Every day she makes it clear that this is her house and she will do as she pleases.
She leaps up on people despite several attempts at discipline. She gets up on her hind legs and knocks stuff off the kitchen counter and table. Even with all these behavioral problems the clearest sign that she thinks she is in charge; she leads. Whenever she wants to go where you are going she won't fall in step behind you, she will walk directly in front of you in a display of dominance.
By putting herself in the lead she says to me "I don't need to be behind you because I'm going where I want to go, even though I want to go where you are going, I will get there first."
The first step in her training is to break that leading habit. If I can get her to stop that, then her attitude should adjust accordingly. I've only just begun, and I'm already getting frustrated.
When I am walking across a room and I see that she has taken up a lead position on me I will suddenly stop, and go in a completely different direction. Sometimes I will do this three or four times between my room and the kitchen, but after a few times she understands that she can't lead and falls in line behind me every time.
Walking her on the leash has been more difficult and so far the only frustrating part. She has a natural tendancy to run out to the end of her leash in front of me and stay there until I tug her one way or another. This is another sign of her assumed dominance. I've been using the same technique of turning around constantly until she follows, and it works... up to a point. As soon as we are in a straight line for more than three seconds she figures I'm done and runs up ahead. The problem is she has months of reinforcement telling her running ahead on the leash is okay because I allowed it for so long. She's learning, but slowly.
TIPS if you are planning to train your dog:
NEVER let the dog lead you
A dog needs exercise, discipline, affection. In that order.
If your dog comes over to you at random for affection, do not give in. This is doing the dog's will and gives the dog dominance. Give your dog affection at random when its NOT being needy to show love and who's boss at the same time.
Don't give treats for no reason. Not only will they lose all meaning as a reward, but the dog will come to expect them.
Yelling doesn't mean anything to a dog. It only confuses and frightens them. In the wild the alpha dog doesn't yell, he shows he's in charge with actions. Remain outwardly as calm and collected as you can when disciplining.
COMMENTS
First, it's not my dog. When I move out the dog will not go with me, and considering I have had no authority in raising her, I would hardly call her my dog. It's my mother's dog.
Your ideas regarding dog training should be attributed to the source where you got them. You're espousing them as if they are yours, which is committing plagiarism.
But, you and I both own our respective rooms. She knows not to go in them.
We shall take the house back one room at a time, but we wont stop there ..... then ......we shall rule the world!!
Brian Y 05.14.05 - 7:03 pm
Why are you so frustrated. I know what it is like to own a dog, and I know what it is like to own a very aggressive dog. Ursa is a puppy, and she is very young and learning. She is not your dog. I would first discuss this with Louise before you begin to "train" her. If Louise is ok with this, then I would first ask yourself a question: Do you like Ursa? If you don't, then please stop where you are. If you do, well then I think you have some great ideas for dog training. The whole post seems driven by frustration though, and if that is the case, then I think you should relax first.
I've seen you with Ursa and you can be nice...but more often (and don't take this to mean much because I'm never over) I see frustration. From my experience, positive enforcement delivers positive reactions. The best thing you can do to train Ursa would be to ignore her when she is doing bad and reward her when she is doing good...but first you have to know what she considers a reward. I think Ursa is a great dog, and an energetic puppy. I think she jumps a lot, but she's a puppy. She loves affection and attention. Just make sure when you train her you don't try and change the things that make her who she is. I look at pets as companions. It sounds to me like you don't want a dog in your life. I think Brian is right though... Ursa is Louise's dog and you choose to live in that house. Maybe this is all shit and I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm just worried about you. I've seen you more upset lately and I don't know why. Maybe it's my fault for not calling more often... but still, I'm worried about you buddy.
Love, Nick
Nick G 05.15.05 - 12:40 pm
Nick, your comment (especially the parts about my personal emotional state) come from SO far out of left field that I don't even know where to begin.
I did discuss it with Brian AND Louise, and they agree.
The only frustration in this post is in that she's learning, but a bit slowly for my tastes. The whole post? You've added that tone on your own. The listing her bad behavior at the beginning was to illustrate the WHY behind the training. Why I feel it's necassary. And the part in quotes that is from her point of view was supposed to be amusing. Would I quote the dog's imaginary inner monologue if I were frustrated? Also, look for the key phrase "the ONLY frustrating part" near the end.
I do like the dog, but her needs for affection and attention make her unruly and she causes actual physical pain. My friend Kelly had wicked scratches all over her thighs and stomach from Ursa's needs. Just like with people I won't accept behavior that causes pain. I can't tell her to stop, so I will train her to. If that is changing what makes her who she is, as you put it, then so be it.
Brian,
You're right, it's not your dog. I didn't realize I had said that at the beginning. It will be edited shortly.
Also, I never claimed the tips at the bottom were of my own devising, but I did forget to put a bibliography. The credit goes to Cesar Milan. He hosts a cable tv show called "The Dog Whisperer." The tips were given in an interview he did in Men's Health Magazine.
AND TO REPEAT TO ALL READERS: I like the dog. She is sweet and friendly, but she is also undisciplined and unruly so I'd like to teach her some better behavior. I'm not beating her, I'm not starving her, and I'm not singing off key. I'm just showing her that the people who live in this house are her alphas, not vice versa.
Joey 05.16.05 - 12:19 am
Oh, and I almost forgot:
Nick, Ignore bad behavior and reward good?!?! Ignore? Are you &@%$ kidding? Ignoring is an allowance. Without something letting them know that what they've done is bad they will not stop. They will have no reason to.
Joey 05.16.05 - 12:29 am
First, I didn't mean to start an argument with you. I was accually worried about what I though you might be going through lately. I guess I was wrong. I am sorry for misjudging you.
I don't want to argue...I'm done
I'm confused and tired.
Nick G 05.16.05 - 12:41 am
I began the challenging task of training Louise's dog today. It's roughly six or seven months old and it clearly thinks that it runs the show around here. Every day she makes it clear that this is her house and she will do as she pleases.
She leaps up on people despite several attempts at discipline. She gets up on her hind legs and knocks stuff off the kitchen counter and table. Even with all these behavioral problems the clearest sign that she thinks she is in charge; she leads. Whenever she wants to go where you are going she won't fall in step behind you, she will walk directly in front of you in a display of dominance.
By putting herself in the lead she says to me "I don't need to be behind you because I'm going where I want to go, even though I want to go where you are going, I will get there first."
The first step in her training is to break that leading habit. If I can get her to stop that, then her attitude should adjust accordingly. I've only just begun, and I'm already getting frustrated.
When I am walking across a room and I see that she has taken up a lead position on me I will suddenly stop, and go in a completely different direction. Sometimes I will do this three or four times between my room and the kitchen, but after a few times she understands that she can't lead and falls in line behind me every time.
Walking her on the leash has been more difficult and so far the only frustrating part. She has a natural tendancy to run out to the end of her leash in front of me and stay there until I tug her one way or another. This is another sign of her assumed dominance. I've been using the same technique of turning around constantly until she follows, and it works... up to a point. As soon as we are in a straight line for more than three seconds she figures I'm done and runs up ahead. The problem is she has months of reinforcement telling her running ahead on the leash is okay because I allowed it for so long. She's learning, but slowly.
TIPS if you are planning to train your dog:
NEVER let the dog lead you
A dog needs exercise, discipline, affection. In that order.
If your dog comes over to you at random for affection, do not give in. This is doing the dog's will and gives the dog dominance. Give your dog affection at random when its NOT being needy to show love and who's boss at the same time.
Don't give treats for no reason. Not only will they lose all meaning as a reward, but the dog will come to expect them.
Yelling doesn't mean anything to a dog. It only confuses and frightens them. In the wild the alpha dog doesn't yell, he shows he's in charge with actions. Remain outwardly as calm and collected as you can when disciplining.
COMMENTS
First, it's not my dog. When I move out the dog will not go with me, and considering I have had no authority in raising her, I would hardly call her my dog. It's my mother's dog.
Your ideas regarding dog training should be attributed to the source where you got them. You're espousing them as if they are yours, which is committing plagiarism.
But, you and I both own our respective rooms. She knows not to go in them.
We shall take the house back one room at a time, but we wont stop there ..... then ......we shall rule the world!!
Brian Y 05.14.05 - 7:03 pm
Why are you so frustrated. I know what it is like to own a dog, and I know what it is like to own a very aggressive dog. Ursa is a puppy, and she is very young and learning. She is not your dog. I would first discuss this with Louise before you begin to "train" her. If Louise is ok with this, then I would first ask yourself a question: Do you like Ursa? If you don't, then please stop where you are. If you do, well then I think you have some great ideas for dog training. The whole post seems driven by frustration though, and if that is the case, then I think you should relax first.
I've seen you with Ursa and you can be nice...but more often (and don't take this to mean much because I'm never over) I see frustration. From my experience, positive enforcement delivers positive reactions. The best thing you can do to train Ursa would be to ignore her when she is doing bad and reward her when she is doing good...but first you have to know what she considers a reward. I think Ursa is a great dog, and an energetic puppy. I think she jumps a lot, but she's a puppy. She loves affection and attention. Just make sure when you train her you don't try and change the things that make her who she is. I look at pets as companions. It sounds to me like you don't want a dog in your life. I think Brian is right though... Ursa is Louise's dog and you choose to live in that house. Maybe this is all shit and I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm just worried about you. I've seen you more upset lately and I don't know why. Maybe it's my fault for not calling more often... but still, I'm worried about you buddy.
Love, Nick
Nick G 05.15.05 - 12:40 pm
Nick, your comment (especially the parts about my personal emotional state) come from SO far out of left field that I don't even know where to begin.
I did discuss it with Brian AND Louise, and they agree.
The only frustration in this post is in that she's learning, but a bit slowly for my tastes. The whole post? You've added that tone on your own. The listing her bad behavior at the beginning was to illustrate the WHY behind the training. Why I feel it's necassary. And the part in quotes that is from her point of view was supposed to be amusing. Would I quote the dog's imaginary inner monologue if I were frustrated? Also, look for the key phrase "the ONLY frustrating part" near the end.
I do like the dog, but her needs for affection and attention make her unruly and she causes actual physical pain. My friend Kelly had wicked scratches all over her thighs and stomach from Ursa's needs. Just like with people I won't accept behavior that causes pain. I can't tell her to stop, so I will train her to. If that is changing what makes her who she is, as you put it, then so be it.
Brian,
You're right, it's not your dog. I didn't realize I had said that at the beginning. It will be edited shortly.
Also, I never claimed the tips at the bottom were of my own devising, but I did forget to put a bibliography. The credit goes to Cesar Milan. He hosts a cable tv show called "The Dog Whisperer." The tips were given in an interview he did in Men's Health Magazine.
AND TO REPEAT TO ALL READERS: I like the dog. She is sweet and friendly, but she is also undisciplined and unruly so I'd like to teach her some better behavior. I'm not beating her, I'm not starving her, and I'm not singing off key. I'm just showing her that the people who live in this house are her alphas, not vice versa.
Joey 05.16.05 - 12:19 am
Oh, and I almost forgot:
Nick, Ignore bad behavior and reward good?!?! Ignore? Are you &@%$ kidding? Ignoring is an allowance. Without something letting them know that what they've done is bad they will not stop. They will have no reason to.
Joey 05.16.05 - 12:29 am
First, I didn't mean to start an argument with you. I was accually worried about what I though you might be going through lately. I guess I was wrong. I am sorry for misjudging you.
I don't want to argue...I'm done
I'm confused and tired.
Nick G 05.16.05 - 12:41 am
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
Weasels is itching to return
Some of you have been mentioning to me off and on for months now that you wish to see the return of my comic. For a while I was totally apathetic. I just didn't have he drive or desire to do it for a spell there.
Well, the drive is back, and his been for a couple weeks. The problem that remains in my way is time. I haven't even had time to sit down and study these past weeks, let alone sketch and brainstorm. I have been letting social commitments override personal responsibilities.
No more! Today my goal is to plow through chapter 8, and pump out my next comic strip.
God willing, the link labeled WEASELS IN MY PANTS will yield something new by day's end.
Some of you have been mentioning to me off and on for months now that you wish to see the return of my comic. For a while I was totally apathetic. I just didn't have he drive or desire to do it for a spell there.
Well, the drive is back, and his been for a couple weeks. The problem that remains in my way is time. I haven't even had time to sit down and study these past weeks, let alone sketch and brainstorm. I have been letting social commitments override personal responsibilities.
No more! Today my goal is to plow through chapter 8, and pump out my next comic strip.
God willing, the link labeled WEASELS IN MY PANTS will yield something new by day's end.
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