Poop Shute

(Originally written last night, but internet was down)

“The Trick Is To Forgive The Unforgivable”

I was watching the season premiere of Nip/Tuck tonight and a character uttered those words. It made me smile after the day I had today. I even laughed a little. On this day someone said goodbye to me who has chosen to not forgive me, and a few hours later I was presented with an opportunity to remind myself of my own capacity for forgiveness. Before I get to my own story, let me explain the Nip/Tuck thing.

The character was a burn victim whose face was completely destroyed in a suicide bomber attack in Israel. Tests found that she was so close to the bomber that dozens of pieces of bone and other tissue fragments from the bomber himself were lodged in her, all up and down her body. The main characters of the show removed them and gave them to her in a box. Then this woman did something that takes a great deal of fortitude. She obtained the address of the family of her assailant, and in a profound gesture of forgiveness, she shipped the man’s remains home.

Wow.

This afternoon I had a very difficult goodbye. It was very abrupt and one-sided, and not even a little bit pleasant. Forgiveness was not an option to her. I know there is nothing I can do about that, but I wish it could be different. It was a clear goodbye. Possibly forever. But I asked for it. Literally. I told her I needed to see her say its over in person.

Mere hours later, I ended up having a half hour phone conversation with my ex-wife. Through circumstances that are really mundane and in themselves unimportant, we have been forced to be in touch the past couple days. Today in particular we discovered that it was nice to chat, and catch up. More specificly, I myself discovered that it was nice to chat and catch up. It has been many months since I forgave her for the way things ended and made my piece with my own contributions to that situation, but I had sort of left that place in my mind alone for so long, I never noticed that even the residual pain was gone. It was very freeing to talk to her and know that I was actually enjoying it.

I tentatively asked her if it was okay if we maybe talked more often. She agreed that she wanted that too, and pointed out how jarring it was to spend every day with someone for six years and just flip a switch off one day. I agreed, and was glad that we were on the same page. We both agreed that maybe we were building a bit of a friendship again.

Near the end of our chat I told her to tell her new husband, Luke (whom she left me for) that I said hello. To that she laughed out loud a good, long belly laugh. Luke is apparently under the impression that I hate him. I laughed too.

Nope, I told her that I don’t really hate anyone. Further than that, I also am aware that I have made some choices that have hurt people as well in my day, but I never wanted that result. We, each of us, make choices that we see as best for ourselves, and we hope for as little collateral damage as possible. It always seemed hypocritical to me to hate anybody for making their own choices that hurt me, when I know I had done the same myself. I’ve never set out to hurt someone on purpose, and I know Luke didn’t either.

I think that phrase from Nip/Tuck is a sort of ironic joke. “Forgive the unforgivable.” I really think what they are trying to say is that nothing is unforgivable. I really believe that myself. I choose to live my life that way. I refuse to let someone else’s choices weigh me down with more baggage and regret. That doesn’t mean that every time someone betrays me I will want to be friends with them again like Meg, but it does mean that I will not let bitter resentment and fear of the past make my decisions for me. That trap is why I got into so much trouble last year. I learned that lesson the hardest way possible. Never again.

Never again.