Poop Shute

Irony Can Make You Laugh and Cry

She doesn't like me writing about her on here, but she cut me out of her life and is already seeing somebody else. I still hold her in the highest regard, but I just don't feel like I have anything to lose anymore.

Yes, it's true, I stumbled in the past. Badly. I am not proud of what I did. But I'll tell you what I am proud of; I used every day from then on as a new chance to show her just how much I loved her. Every day. I tried to use every minute with her to discover and invent new ways to say it. I even told her that I saw every single day we were together as a courtship. I think that's how it should be. Every day that you are with someone you love, you should make sure they know.

This went on for months and months before things started going wrong. If month after month I treated her like an angel, and month after month she stayed with me and made me feel treated the same way, then she was agreeing to let the past be the past. A sudden reversal after months and months seems hard to reconcile. It doesn't make a lot of sense, and leads me to believe that other factors were at work as well. It makes me wonder about the short time between me and this new guy.

That is why it was inappropriate to call me a selfish @sshole these past weeks, and a sex-fiend, and accuse me of wanting to sleep with any woman who gives me the time of day, and every other ugly thing she thought and said about me lately. If you call me on some bullsh*t when there is bullsh*t actually happening, then that's fair play to you, but calling me out on something that I have long since apologized for is inappropriate.

Besides that, I am not any kind of sex-fiend. The mistakes I made were never about lust or sex. It was about self-sabotage. It was about fear. I was afraid of love, because it had burned me badly the last time. Badly. But I gave over to it and loved her more openly and deeply than I have ever allowed myself to before. And in the several months since then I have given her no indication that sort of fear exists in me any longer. Because it simply does not.

I should have known though. When I was caught, and faced with what to do next, I should have known that it wouldn't end well for me. I know her very well, and I know that she has never dealt with any of the past very well. Things come back to haunt her periodically, and she has no coping mechanisms. I should have known that she would never let it all go. And I'm not accusing her of doing anything wrong, that is just who she is. But, honestly, no matter how painful the end was, I would not take back a single second of the good times. I would do everything from the month of April and onward all over again. Every bit of it.

Though, if I could go back to the very beginning, I would change a lot, of course. I would never have had a single date from the time we first got together. I would have told her I loved her in Los Angeles when we were there on our romantic weekend getaway, because it was already long since true. When she called to tell me she was throwing up in Las Vegas, I would have driven all night to surprise her and take care of her. All that and more.

Hindsight may be 20/20 but sometimes it's just a pain in the ass.