...Well, not really.

I am one of those guys. One of those people who work well under pressure. Er, well. No. I actually don't work at all UNTIL there's pressure is a better way to say it.

I have taken on a very large project. I am designing the soundtracks for four shows that all open at the same time. They don't open until the end of June, but the company set a tentative deadline for all design work to be at least mostly ready by May 1. That is INSANELY early, and I really shouldn't even think about it, but because it's their deadline, it works for me. I have probably done somewhere in the neighborhood of 10% of the work I need to have done, and I have less than a week left.

Sweet.

I'm not stressing. I'm not worried. I'm enjoying myself and feeling just enough pressure to really work.

...and here I am merrily blogging the precious minutes away. Ironic.

PTFO.

COMMENTS:

***cracks whip***
work dog!
that's what you should be doing.
and what you can tell me to do if kendall and i end up in Tempe when her job tells us where to relocate and i hire you to make me thinner. (note: i have no fact-based reason to believe we will end up in tempe other than the fact that it is one of 35 options, and i would like to live there.)
Randy 04.26.07 - 5:51 pm

Haha.
Um... I will charge you my special "friend" rate.
Don't worry, it's not cash, and not painful.
It's even fun if you relax into it.
...
Wow. Sometimes, I say the most inappropriate things.
I could just delete it, but this is more fun. :-)
Joey 04.26.07 - 8:55 pm

Is that a smoking monitor?
ed 04.27.07 - 2:13 am

I think so, why?
Joey 04.27.07 - 3:05 am

It's just sorta funny, the idea that if you get too stressed out, random household appliances of yours may start emitting smoke.
ed 04.27.07 - 9:28 am

Haha. I think you have that backwards Ed. I think maybe the source of that guy's stress IS the smoking computer. Like maybe he was working on some big important paper and his computer suddenly sploded.
Joey 04.27.07 - 7:54 pm

I once made my computer emit smoke by connecting one of the cables backwards. It was a somewhat stressful experience.
ed 04.28.07 - 9:06 pm

A Word On Karma

I just read something that troubled me. Someone made a remark about karma that seemed not to gel with what I know of karma. I have not been a Buddhist for very long, and I do not pretend to be any kind of expert, but the comments I read seemed contradictory.

By the way, brace yourself, because for the purposes of this post I will be discussing karma not only in strict terms of my own limited understanding of it, but I will also be discussing it as though it is accepted as reality.

For those of you who do not know, the idea of karma can be summed up in the old adages "what goes around, comes around" or "you reap what you sow." Basically, the universe has a way of balancing itself out, and if you put positivity out there, you draw it back to you, and the same is true of negativity. These ideas have recently been re-popularized in THE SECRET.

The writing that sparked this post was mentioning something about another person that hurt the author and made them very angry. The author went on to say they were comforted by the fact that karma exists. To me, this statement is either a gross over-simplification of karma or a complete disregard for karma in action in their own life or both. If they are taking comfort in the thought of someone else's misfortune, then they are putting more negativity out there, and therefor accruing "bad" karma of their own.

The idea doesn't break down to a simple DO bad = get bad. It's larger and deeper than that. Your thoughts, intentions and attitudes towards all life are part of it too. If you wish ill for another living creature you are bringing negativity into your world and into the universe as a whole. The idea is to transcend karma. The goal is to understand this cycle that forever moves us all towards balance, and not move against it, but to flow with it. If you are focusing on wrongs done to you and hoping and waiting to see the wrong-doer suffer then you are not flowing and certainly not transcending anything.

I want to restate that this is a fairly new idea in my own life. Not holding grudges and not letting anger or hurt rule me are challenging things to do. These are new and difficult things. If you've come here recently you've seen that I have generated some karma of my own. I'm not perfect and I too have issues, but I'm learning to let go more and more. I learned from that situation that I was discussing a few days ago and I am moving on. Yes, I was the one in the wrong there, but it is equally dangerous to dwell on something too much even when you are the transgressor. I felt remorse and I expressed it. And now it is done. Whatever happens next is out of my hands, and I accept that. I will move forward. I will not quietly hope for anyone to come to any kind of reckoning with their own karma, because that is not helpful to anyone and not the path I choose.

That was a lengthy tangent, but worth saying. Anyway, I am not criticizing the author of those words, but just bringing to light a certain contradiction in them. I hope and wish for love and light to everyone, even my ex-wife. It took me a long time, but it was a healing moment when I let go of the anger and wished her well. I am fairly sure our paths will not cross again, but I hope hers leads her to happiness and love.

The real irony to me is if the person I mentioned at the beginning reads this, they will likely take is as a hostile gesture, when it is exactly the opposite.

To finish, I wanted to leave a few of Siddhartha Gautama's own words to further elaborate what I am saying. Namaste.

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him."

"Hatred does not cease through hatred at any time. Hatred ceases through love. This is an unalterable law."

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."


*********************************


A Great Read

HERE is a link to a very funny short story. It's very short, maybe three quarters of a page in Microsoft Word.

Enjoy.

Moving Right Along

A play in one act... a GoogleChat act.


Ryan: have you ever hit a woman?

Me: ....never, why?

Ryan: i was just thinking of a workshop that Sambo's friend does for men where he has everyone raise their hands that knows of someone that has been abused
then he has everyone raise their hand that has abused a woman and no hands go up
it's to show that the numbers don't match those that are owning up to it
it made me start wondering if i know anyone that has hit a woman

-and since you're really violent

-and masogenistic

-i thought i should ask you

Me: right

sounds like me

good call

Ryan: always clubbin the hos

-like a pimp

-reachin back

-and such

Me: well, my violence is really equal opportunity, i actually prefer to hit midgets, cripples and old people, truth be told

Ryan: a'ight, peace

Me: ...no reaction to that?

-i thought it was pretty funny
:-)

Ryan: no... i mean, that's what we all do
right?

Disclaimer: No midgets, cripples or old people were hurt during the making of this blogpost. A cat's tail was stepped on, a giraffe was exposed to herpes and a monkey flung some poo. That is all.

COMMENTS:

I've hit a woman. And a man. And regrettably, I've lightly hit my dog in moments of peak frustration. The man's the only one who's ever hit back. I also wonder if the dog-smacking thing means I'll be a bad parent.
Vega 04.21.07 - 8:44 pm

No Regrets, Only Lessons

This is semi-stream of conciousness and long-winded, but it all needed to be said. I hope you appreciate it as much as I appreciate all of you in my life. With that in mind, enter at your own risk.

I am sorry for a lot of things to a lot of people. Especially to those that feel the connection between us is unrecoverable. There is no defense, and I am not offering one. I am filled with remorse. I offer myself, through text, on my knees.

I am "borderline hypoglycemic." This is important and related to the above mini-paragraph, as will be demonstrated soon, if you will bear with me. That is an official diagnosis from an honest-to-god doctor. I was diagnosed somewhere around the age of sixteen when I had a near fatal sugar-crash that was narrowly averted by my mother. She's a diabetic, so she recognized the signs immediately. Normal blood-sugar ratings hover in the range of about 100, and any serious deviations above or below are extremely dangerous. When my mom caught my crash I was in the low 40's. Not much farther below that is coma and death. This medical issue coupled with the fact that I have always been very physically active and therefore have a very high metabolism make me very sensitive to prolonged periods of not eating. I am usually very attentive to this fact and snack most of the day, but there are rare times when I get so caught up in whatever it is I am doing that I forget and time gets away from me. When that happens I go into a dangerous state called a sugar-crash. When I am in this state I am weak, dizzy and extremely disoriented. After long enough my heart-rate goes crazy and I begin to pant. Sometimes these sensations cause an extreme emotional response like crying or even a panic attack which tends to make the symptoms worse. It's happened only about three times that I can recall. It's frightening when it happens, and leaves me incapable of processing much else. If anyone ever tried to have a serious discussion with me when in this state I may be unresponsive. It is not intentional, but whatever it is they were talking about wouldn't really process until much later. I apologize to any and all persons who ever felt that I was ignoring them or didn't care when I was in one of these states. You mean a great deal to me, and know that the full impact of what you said leveled me when I could finaly really take it in. You know who you are.

I am not a victim. I am in control of my own actions. I know this. I have been hurt and I have hurt other people and I have even hurt myself. Those three things exist independently of each other and are not connected. Regardless of where my motivations came from at the time, I have owned up to what I did. To paraphrase the words of a good friend "the only things you truly own are your actions." It sounds cheesey but it's true. I own my actions. I know who I am. On the scale of morality I fall short of the pure-as-driven-snow rating. But so do you, and I do NOT mean that to anyone specific, I am saying that to everyone. I mean so do we all. We've all made decisions that have hurt people. We've all made decisions that we would easily admit were the "wrong" thing to do. We are all shades of grey; black and white are a fantasy. The people that love me have looked me in the eye and said to me I have done wrong. They've said "you suck, but I love you, so stop sucking." That's a paraphrase again, obviously, but you get it. I agreed with them and felt real remorse. Others have fully turned their back on me and haven't even given me the love and respect of a "you suck, but stop it" moment.

Which brings me to...

I have been upset and talking a great deal about certain individuals who have strong opinions on these matters. It is important to note that I understand people being upset with me and I am NOT mad at anyone for being mad at me. In fact, I'm just plain not mad at anyone for any reason at all. I have given a great many people ample reason to be mad at me. I am not standing here bewildered at the negative response I have created for myself. Not even a little. And I'm not even mad at the people who have ignored me and refused my apology and remorse. No, I am not mad but profoundly sad. I love these people and feel a great loss that they have taken this stance. I have made mistakes. Many. And large ones. Repeatedly. My actions have brought me to this place, nobody else's (again, I'm not a victim). I wish these people love, light and happiness, and all I want in the world from them is for them to look me in the eye and confront their hurt/anger/confusion/etc. Get it out in the open, let me address it. I can give you apologies and answers, but I can't answer silence.

Everyone has their problems. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone makes decisions that you don't agree with. That, again, is a general "you" to everyone. Sitting in judgement and labeling this person a bastard and that person an idiot does not help anyone. I fell into that trap when I myself was lied to, manipulated and left high and dry. I judged her and I called her names. Ugly names. It took me a while to realize it, but it's not my place. This ordeal that I put myself and everyone else through is weighty proof that it isn't my place. And it isn't yours or yours or yours or yours. Yeah, even you way in the back too. Whatever her reasons, it's long over and there is no going back. That's done, and hating her doesn't help it make sense. I will never know the full story, and neither will anybody else. Each of us only knows our own perspective of it, and that is true of my divorce and of what I did afterwards and everything else that anyone does for that matter. I can't ever make sense of it, so I let it go a long time back. I still have the nasty habit of making jokes in poor taste whenever her name comes up, but it is different now. The venom taste is gone, and now, when I do make jokes I'm genuinely making fun of the situation. As hippy as this will sound, I realize now that I have an infinite capacity for love (we all do) and I'd much rather focus on that than any past anger or hurt.

The larger point of this rambling essay comes down to this; my actions are mine and your actions are yours. I take responsibility for mine, and I hope you do the same for yours. If something I've said or done chafes you in any way, shape or form then tell me about it. Even if we disagree, a conversation will come to some kind of resolution, whatever it may be. So many of the people I know and love were so quick to point out how much I came back changed after I came back from Ohio. I kind of let myself slip into a selfish and self-destructive spiral for a time there after that, but the changes are still true. I'm the same guy I was in September, only now I've inflicted some new scars on myself and those around me and learned some valuable lessons. And by the way, this is no command or ultimatum of any kind. These are requests only.

In closing, I want to say I don't expect this to make everything just go back to sunshine and lollipops, and in fact I suspect that it will be poorly received by some and even make some people angry. It was not written in that tone or with that aim. That is why I opened with the apology. I figured that would show that I'm not coming from an angry or defensive place. This was written to answer some questions and put to rest some issues that are recurring recently and hopefully inspire some dialogues. And if you're reading this from afar and do not know what this is about, please just let ignorance be bliss. It's too long a story, and you're probably better off for not having lived it.

Much love.

COMMENTS:

I've been meaning to say that I'm glad you posted this. Even if our friendship was the only one it saved, it was well worth it.
Vega 04.21.07 - 8:40 pm

hey... that was a lot of words.
I need to teach you the fine art of bullet-points.
therealdavid 04.22.07 - 12:06 am

Best Easter Ever!



Yeah, that's right. I made an R2D2 egg. it was beautiful... and eventually delicious.




Made by special request for the lovely, the talented, the one and only Julia Vega. We miss you! Come home soon.




Kim and I got each other baskets and decided that they would make fun hats. At this same time we sent Kelly and Angela on a scavenger hunt/easter egg hunt all over the house. Plastic eggs with clues inside leading them to the next and the next and so on. Good times.




Easter dinner. Best Italian restaurant in the valley. Tutti Santi on 16th street just north of Glendale. By the way, that is a picture of my grandmother. Drunk.

Our waiter offered us all a complimentary shot of sambuca to wind down the meal, kind of like what greeks will sometimes do with ouzo.

My grandmother not only got a little drunk, but aactually accused me of being a light weight! She had a cocktail and the shot of sambuca and she was slurring and giggling. I had a glass of wine and the shot and said I had the slightest of buzzes and that maybe Kim should drive us home. It was then that my grandmother accused me of being a light weight. Pot-kettle! Pot-kettle!

Then gramps was going to offer me his shot, because he can't drink, and he spilled it all over the table. As we were leaving, my grandmother comes up to me and whispers:

Gramma: I can't believe you spilled your shot. I could have had it. I didn't even get a f*cking buzz!

Hmm. I think everyone there would tend to disagree with you gram. But we love you anyway.

Good times.

COMMENTS:

At least your grandparents always provide fun, festive stories, usually surrounding a meal
Jess 04.10.07 - 12:44 am

Thanks for the egg! It was perfect.
Vega 04.10.07 - 5:00 pm

Haha. Yeah, food is an event when you are a part of a big italian family. I miss the days when those meals would invlove 30 or more people, all related to me. Those were the days.
Vega: I thought you'd like it. We hollowed out a few before we dyed them so they could be keepers. Yours is one. It's on your TV.
Joey 04.10.07 - 5:35 pm

Happy As A Clam

I never understood that expression. Why do people assume that clams are so friggin' happy anyway? I mean, okay, so they have the security of owning their own home (which they wear) and on waterfront property no less, so I guess that's pretty sweet. BUT if I were a clam I don't think I'd be sporting an ear-to-ear, you know? They kind of lost out in that whole motor function and sensory organ thing when our "Intelligent" Designer was passing out bodies. And pretty damn low on the food chain to be so chipper, if you ask me. How happy are you going to be when a crab cracks you open and slurps you down for a snack? Not very, I'll wager.

But I digress. The phrase is still appropriate, even if I don't understand it.

I am happy. Very happy. I'm done putting myself (and those around me) through a silly stupid kind of hell.

My last post was accompanied by a 6am trip to Kim's car to cover it with somewhere in the neighborhood of 150 post-it notes. One for each day since our relationship first elevated from friends to lovers. Each one was hand written, and most of them were different. I was writing them between 3 and 5 am, and I was really tired, so after a while I may have repeated myself a time or two, but I tried my best. I couldn't sleep that night, and wanted to surprise her before she left for work in the morning. So, I did what any red-blooded American boy who is sick with longing for someone would do; I drove to Wal-Mart and bought supplies to create a time-bomb of cuteness on her car.

Oh, and I finally gave her the birthday present I wanted to get her a couple weeks ago. A Nintendo DS Lite. She loved it.

I also email-bombed her. Myspace, Facebook, and her aol account all saw notes from me.

The rest of the week has been spent showering her with attention, and gifts. The attention thing will be ongoing, but the gifts part needs to taper off a bit before I go broke.

We still haven't been on that date yet, but we've been to Taco Bell and bought a new bed. I think that kind of counts.

Oh, and the guy that sold me the bed was really cool, and turns out to be married to a girl I went to high school with. We're going to Havasupai with them in August. SWEET!

Life goes on, and merrily so.

COMMENTS:

Be weary of expressing too much joy and contentment. The Gods of Olympus are always watching (at least when they're not squabbling with each other).
therealdavid 04.05.07 - 3:57 pm

I think they say "Happy as a Clam" because your standard garden variety clam looks like it's smiling.
Crohn 04.05.07 - 4:46 pm

Congrats. I'm happy you're happy.
Bess 04.05.07 - 6:59 pm

happiness is a wonderful thing.
Mollie 04.06.07 - 12:48 am

It's 'cause clams are fvcking rich.
Guillermo 04.08.07 - 1:16 pm

Indeed, look at that clam. It's like he's pimped out in blue velvet. He just needs a fat gold chain and some bling.
therealdavid 04.09.07 - 11:11 am

Clams blling out with pearls, not gold, dude.
Josh 04.09.07 - 12:17 pm

A Constant Parade Of Displays Of Love. The BEST Kind of Parade!

It is known to many of you out there that I have not been the greatest of guys lately. I have said and done a great many things that I am not proud of. In the end, I committed a lot of the very same social crimes that were done to me over the previous summer. BUT I own my actions. I did these things, and whether or not I was suffering from any issues of my own, I know better. I have said my apologies to those that I owed them to. The one who gets the biggest apology is the one I am kissing above.

All I can do now is move forward and learn from my many mistakes.

Right now, all I want is to move forward with her. The above picture is of me and Kim on our first date. It was a simple evening, but very lovely. A nice dinner at a swanky place, a change of clothes and off to a late night coffee and star-gazing in the park... okay, so the park I took us to was closed off for the New Year's block party, but the thought was there. I think that night we actually ended the night by watching the newest Bond movie instead. Not exactly as romantic, but we enjoyed it.

Anyway, she is the most lovely and thoughtful and considerate woman I have ever known. I have never in my life been more strongly attracted to anyone. Her smile has a way of lighting up a room. Her laugh is one of the cutest sounds I've heard. She is a video game dork like me, and even went to see TMNT with me... for HER birthday no less!

After an extended period in a selfish, and ironicly self-destructive spell I woke to the fact that I was losing her. Or maybe more appropriately I was forfeiting her. Today I am scrambling to do everything in my power to make it right. I want her to know I am serious, and I figured shouting it to the whole world (or the both of you that actually read my drivel) would be one good route to ad to the list.

Kimberly Still I love you, and I know now that I deserve you. I deserve to be happy, and so do you. We do together. Let me take you out on a good ol' fashioned date tonight. Nothing fancy, just streamlining back down to what always worked about us. What do you say?

...ahem... ...um... ....are you going to say something... (mops brow)

...everyone's looking...

(taps foot, whistles tunelessly)

COMMENTS:

There was a very unpleasent comment here moments ago.
For future reference:
Any snide comments, or those designed to be hurtful, especially by unwelcome parties will promptly be removed. Venom is not appreciated here.
Thank you.
Me 04.02.07 - 6:07 pm

I leave and some hussy or flubby tries to take my place? bah! I shall smite them with the mighty hammer of baktracleasinian which has a pink handle with a frill at the top.
good to see you back in the game of life called "who did what? where and with whom?
mulk 04.03.07 - 3:35 am

Hey Mulk. Missed you too, chief. How's tricks?
Joey 04.03.07 - 4:35 am

Joey-pants,
Please point me in the direction of any snide-comment-leaving-assholes and I will passive aggressively torture them via the internet until they want to die.
*hugs*
I'm happy you're happy, it seems to be going around (check my blog if you need more info on my happiness)!
AmBam 04.03.07 - 4:51 pm

actually truth be told I dont know, more on that as I find my mind. again.
mulk 04.04.07 - 11:14 pm