Poop Shute

No Regrets, Only Lessons

This is semi-stream of conciousness and long-winded, but it all needed to be said. I hope you appreciate it as much as I appreciate all of you in my life. With that in mind, enter at your own risk.

I am sorry for a lot of things to a lot of people. Especially to those that feel the connection between us is unrecoverable. There is no defense, and I am not offering one. I am filled with remorse. I offer myself, through text, on my knees.

I am "borderline hypoglycemic." This is important and related to the above mini-paragraph, as will be demonstrated soon, if you will bear with me. That is an official diagnosis from an honest-to-god doctor. I was diagnosed somewhere around the age of sixteen when I had a near fatal sugar-crash that was narrowly averted by my mother. She's a diabetic, so she recognized the signs immediately. Normal blood-sugar ratings hover in the range of about 100, and any serious deviations above or below are extremely dangerous. When my mom caught my crash I was in the low 40's. Not much farther below that is coma and death. This medical issue coupled with the fact that I have always been very physically active and therefore have a very high metabolism make me very sensitive to prolonged periods of not eating. I am usually very attentive to this fact and snack most of the day, but there are rare times when I get so caught up in whatever it is I am doing that I forget and time gets away from me. When that happens I go into a dangerous state called a sugar-crash. When I am in this state I am weak, dizzy and extremely disoriented. After long enough my heart-rate goes crazy and I begin to pant. Sometimes these sensations cause an extreme emotional response like crying or even a panic attack which tends to make the symptoms worse. It's happened only about three times that I can recall. It's frightening when it happens, and leaves me incapable of processing much else. If anyone ever tried to have a serious discussion with me when in this state I may be unresponsive. It is not intentional, but whatever it is they were talking about wouldn't really process until much later. I apologize to any and all persons who ever felt that I was ignoring them or didn't care when I was in one of these states. You mean a great deal to me, and know that the full impact of what you said leveled me when I could finaly really take it in. You know who you are.

I am not a victim. I am in control of my own actions. I know this. I have been hurt and I have hurt other people and I have even hurt myself. Those three things exist independently of each other and are not connected. Regardless of where my motivations came from at the time, I have owned up to what I did. To paraphrase the words of a good friend "the only things you truly own are your actions." It sounds cheesey but it's true. I own my actions. I know who I am. On the scale of morality I fall short of the pure-as-driven-snow rating. But so do you, and I do NOT mean that to anyone specific, I am saying that to everyone. I mean so do we all. We've all made decisions that have hurt people. We've all made decisions that we would easily admit were the "wrong" thing to do. We are all shades of grey; black and white are a fantasy. The people that love me have looked me in the eye and said to me I have done wrong. They've said "you suck, but I love you, so stop sucking." That's a paraphrase again, obviously, but you get it. I agreed with them and felt real remorse. Others have fully turned their back on me and haven't even given me the love and respect of a "you suck, but stop it" moment.

Which brings me to...

I have been upset and talking a great deal about certain individuals who have strong opinions on these matters. It is important to note that I understand people being upset with me and I am NOT mad at anyone for being mad at me. In fact, I'm just plain not mad at anyone for any reason at all. I have given a great many people ample reason to be mad at me. I am not standing here bewildered at the negative response I have created for myself. Not even a little. And I'm not even mad at the people who have ignored me and refused my apology and remorse. No, I am not mad but profoundly sad. I love these people and feel a great loss that they have taken this stance. I have made mistakes. Many. And large ones. Repeatedly. My actions have brought me to this place, nobody else's (again, I'm not a victim). I wish these people love, light and happiness, and all I want in the world from them is for them to look me in the eye and confront their hurt/anger/confusion/etc. Get it out in the open, let me address it. I can give you apologies and answers, but I can't answer silence.

Everyone has their problems. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone makes decisions that you don't agree with. That, again, is a general "you" to everyone. Sitting in judgement and labeling this person a bastard and that person an idiot does not help anyone. I fell into that trap when I myself was lied to, manipulated and left high and dry. I judged her and I called her names. Ugly names. It took me a while to realize it, but it's not my place. This ordeal that I put myself and everyone else through is weighty proof that it isn't my place. And it isn't yours or yours or yours or yours. Yeah, even you way in the back too. Whatever her reasons, it's long over and there is no going back. That's done, and hating her doesn't help it make sense. I will never know the full story, and neither will anybody else. Each of us only knows our own perspective of it, and that is true of my divorce and of what I did afterwards and everything else that anyone does for that matter. I can't ever make sense of it, so I let it go a long time back. I still have the nasty habit of making jokes in poor taste whenever her name comes up, but it is different now. The venom taste is gone, and now, when I do make jokes I'm genuinely making fun of the situation. As hippy as this will sound, I realize now that I have an infinite capacity for love (we all do) and I'd much rather focus on that than any past anger or hurt.

The larger point of this rambling essay comes down to this; my actions are mine and your actions are yours. I take responsibility for mine, and I hope you do the same for yours. If something I've said or done chafes you in any way, shape or form then tell me about it. Even if we disagree, a conversation will come to some kind of resolution, whatever it may be. So many of the people I know and love were so quick to point out how much I came back changed after I came back from Ohio. I kind of let myself slip into a selfish and self-destructive spiral for a time there after that, but the changes are still true. I'm the same guy I was in September, only now I've inflicted some new scars on myself and those around me and learned some valuable lessons. And by the way, this is no command or ultimatum of any kind. These are requests only.

In closing, I want to say I don't expect this to make everything just go back to sunshine and lollipops, and in fact I suspect that it will be poorly received by some and even make some people angry. It was not written in that tone or with that aim. That is why I opened with the apology. I figured that would show that I'm not coming from an angry or defensive place. This was written to answer some questions and put to rest some issues that are recurring recently and hopefully inspire some dialogues. And if you're reading this from afar and do not know what this is about, please just let ignorance be bliss. It's too long a story, and you're probably better off for not having lived it.

Much love.

COMMENTS:

I've been meaning to say that I'm glad you posted this. Even if our friendship was the only one it saved, it was well worth it.
Vega 04.21.07 - 8:40 pm

hey... that was a lot of words.
I need to teach you the fine art of bullet-points.
therealdavid 04.22.07 - 12:06 am