Poop Shute

My Dad works with people.

Specifically my Dad works with angry and/or stupid people. His official job title is "property manager." What that means is he makes sure all his residents are following the neighborhood rules and regulations (also known as C.C. & R's), he monitors landscaping issues, and coordinates a staff that operates the country club, golf course, and other neighborhood maintenance and security issues.

Beyond that he is the man people complain to. Most home owners know this guy in their neighborhood as "the guy everybody hates." It's amazing, when I tell people what he does, they all say that.

One time my Dad was working in a retirement community that had a large duck pond. It was one of those neighborhoods where a handful of houses have their back yards overlooking the pond. That is considered a benefit and actually raises the property value of the house. That means the people that live there paid slightly more for their house than their non-pond-facing neighbors.

This one old guy had a complaint about the ducks. Apparently the ducks liked to waddle on up to his back patio and take little duck dumps all over the place. The phone conversation with my father went something like this:

Old Guy: Those $%#@ ducks keep crapping on my damn porch! You've got to do something about this.

Dad: I'm sorry sir, those ducks are outside my control. There's nothing I can do. We can't put up a fence either, because that is against your C.C. & R's.

Old Guy: Well, you've got to do something. Couldn't you put up a sign, or something?

(at this point my Dad actually pulled the phone away from his face and looked at confused)

Dad: I'm sorry, what?

Old Guy: A sign! Put up a sign that says "DUCKS KEEP OFF."

I am not making this sh*t up here. My Dad, being the upstanding guy he is did his damnedest to sit on his mirth for a few more minutes, and then got his way off the phone and laughed giant tears of glee.

I imagine that because we live so close to the border the sign would have to look something like this:

DUCKS KEEP OFF!

!LOS PATOS NO ENTRAN!