Poop Shute

Bridesmaids & Car fires & Bar Fights, Oh My!

I just spent most of the weekend driving to and from San Francisco so I could see my friends Josh and Laura get hitched. It was beautiful. Congratulations to them and their families.

Besides the wedding, the most noteworthy things that happened were we saw what I think was an old Impala on the side of the road with two-foot high flames leaping out of the open hood. It was strange because nobody was standing near it. I mean there was no frantic driver calling for help on a cell phone, there were no emergency vehicles and even the passersby on foot seemed to think acknowledging it was a complete waste of their time. Crazy.

The other noteworthy event was one of those life lessons that you learn. Some of these lessons you can learn vicariously through others' advice based on their own experience because it's kind of common sense anyway, but then some of these lessons have to be learned first hand.
I don't know why, but they just do.

I learned one of those common sense ones on Saturday, but I kind of did it the first hand way.

That lesson being never chew on a married woman when her husband is less than six feet away.

To be totally accurate and fair they are married in name only. They have been separated for some time, and are filing divorce papers on Thursday. The reason they even came to the wedding together is they paid for airfare and hotel rooms long before the split-up and it was kind of a sunk cost that they didn't want to just drop down the drain.

But still, I knew the situation. I knew she had gotten over it and he had not, and I should have been a bit more sensitive. Unfortunately, I succumbed to hormones and alcohal and did what I wanted to do.

After the reception was over a bunch of us moved across the street to a bar that I think was called Easy 5. The wife... or ex-wife... whatever had been flirting with Meg and I and Brian all night. Eventually she was seated between Brian and I. We both checked to see if the husband was looking. He was not, so we each took an ear and nibbled. Apparently this is when the guy turned around. He saw me and stood up and pulled my head back by my hair. I calmly looked up into his rage-filled eyes and waited for what he was going to do next. Part of me was practically praying that he would throw a punch. I have been itching to get into a fight for months, but I'm not the first punch kinda guy. I actually liked the guy, but if he hit me, it was on.

After a moment of staring, his angry front crumbled into a lot of simpering and clutching of his face. He apologized about a hundred times saying "there's no excuse" and stuff like that.

I assured him we were cool. Nothing happened. I'm not so much of a hothead that I can't take an over-emotional drunk pulling on my hair a little. No big deal.

Still, I learned something that day. I learned to make sure that the husband can't see you when you chew on his wife. Or maybe it was just don't chew on her in the first place...? Nah, couldn't be.

Because of sleeping arrangements for so many of us being all over town, Meg and I went home to Ed's alone. I hope for Brian's sake and for the wife/ex-wife's sake they at least got lucky. It would make me feel like the hair pulling was taking one for the team. Like I was the wingman getting shot down over enemy lines so that my boy could land safely in the lands of the neighboring ally.

Word.

COMMMENTS

When I first read this, I thought it had set "If he had hit on me, then it was on". I started thinking, I've been in for a lot of ass whoopings by Joey then. Thank goodness he has restrained himself in the past. But, that wasn't what you wrote. I know I can drunkenly hit on you knowing I'll only make you slightly creeped out instead of ready for some ass whoopin'.
Ben Siemon 06.13.05 - 9:14 pm

Why were you itching to get into a fight for months?
While you have a regular exercise schedule, you haven't done a single lick of fight training. Unless you were doing one of those awesome 80's fight training montages that take only 3 minutes a la Rocky IV, your ass would have been toast if you got into a real fight. Especially when up against a drunk and jealous soon to be ex-husband who just caught you nibbling on the ear of a woman he's still very much attached to.
In that situation your saving grace would've been a beer bottle and of course your posse of equally drunk friends willing to help you out.
I for one am happy that nothing serious went down and the night was not spoiled by violent drunk people. Minus that little tiff, the wedding reception was totally awesome.
David Dobell 06.14.05 - 3:08 pm

Excellent post, Joe. Although, I should mention that when Drunk Husband grabbed your hair, I jumped up from my seat right behind you and peeled his hand off of your head. It all happened quickly and I know I was out of your line of sight, but I wouldn't want you to think that we all stood by and did nothing.
Guillermo 06.14.05 - 5:10 pm

No, G, I was not accusing anybody of bailing on me. To be honest I was so fixed on his eyes that I was completely unaware of anybody else or anything else, even time. I'm sure it was a matter of a less than a second, but it felt like an agonizingly long time. Just waiting to see if he was going to actually do something.
And D; whether or not I would have lost the fight is totally irrelevent to the fact that I wanted to fight. When you are drunk, horny and have had an aggressive streak waiting for an opportunity ot bust out for months things like your chances of winning and/or logic don't seem to enter the picture. But thanks for the vote of confidence. Ass. :-)
Joey 06.15.05 - 11:27 pm