Spider-Man 2 Is Poopy!

The following entry is a long-winded exposition of the above statment. If that bothers you, or if you have not yet seen the film, please discontinue reading... now.

Tonight my friends and I all piled into the local MegaBig Theatre to see the long-awaited Spidey Sequal.

This movie is saccharine-sweet, sappy, hackneyed and a mostly boring time.

The first movie combined good, solid dialogue with great special effects and action sequences. This one threw out the good dialogue and trimmed down the effects and action to about half.

I'm not even going to touch the room full of people surviving a room that should have been in the millions of degrees. It's a comic book movie, so some suspension of disbelief is in order.

Having said that, my big problem is actually that the movie gets really bogged down in the Peter Parker identity crisis storyline.

To sling webs, or not to sling webs; that is the boring question.

I know, what you're thinking right now:

But, joey, isn't that what happened in the comic?

Yes, but it doesn't make for a fun comic book movie.

But, okay. Maybe you liked that whole thread. To me it detracted from what could have been a cool Doc Ock movie, but whatever. Moving on to...

the love-story. The whole heart-felt "empty seat" scenes are obviously meant to be indicative of a long pattern with Peter. He's always "disappointing" to use MJ's word.

But why does she react SO strongly? He misses the show and he's cut from her life all the sudden.

Wow, man. That's pretty harsh.

They're supposed to be old childhood friends. That seems a little extreme to me. I have had friends miss my shows before, and it definitely upset me, but they are, in the end, my friends. I got over it pretty quick.

But, let's talk about that "empty set" scene itself.

First off, she couldn't see the seats in the house like that.

You see, when acting in live theatre there are many lighting instruments that are hanging over your head and over the house. This is especially true in big-budget houses like the one MJ was working in. And most of these are POINTED DIRECTLY at your face, which means IN YOUR EYES. It's like trying to see stars at night in the city lights. You can't do it.

But, fine, let's just let that go. I thought it was silly, but I'll let it go.

Second, how did she know it was his seat that was empty?

But, Joey, she could have got him the ticket when he said he was coming.

Okay, so... you're suggesting she read the ticket and went out into the house to make sure she knew where his seat was? That's a little obsessive and kind of weird.

Again, I thought it was silly, but I'll let it go.

Thirdly, why did Peter wait across the street to see her after the show?

Answer: So we could have the nice, shocking reveal of young stud, John Jameson and see Peter's heartbreak in silence from afar.

CLICHE and LAME. At least have an awkward moment where the two men show up at the same time and MJ is forced to introduce them. That would have been more interesting to watch, and sill cliche enough to fit their little cheese-fest.

Moving on.

MJ's frustration and Peter's ambivalence are laid on SO very thick that I didn't feel that overall it was honest writing. Meaning there was no reason for her to take him back, making the sickeningly sweet ending very unbelievable for me. I mean come on, she actually sees him at one point and says "oh, it's you" with an annoyed tone. You might call that playing hard-to-get or something, but the performance of the line read pure bitterness.

And her stand-offish attitude after Peter DID make the show was so strong that the whispered "You are different" came off as forced.

And just before Doc Ock ruins the coffee scene by hurling a Ford at them Peter flip-flops on her AGAIN!

WHY? Why would she take him back? I don't believe she would.

The fantasy/dream sequence where Peter refuses his uncle's wishes and says "no more" stinks. Up and down, left and right. It's just overblown and cheesey.

Why is Spidey taking off the mask CONSTANTLY in this one? It's almost as if he doesn't live a horribly dangerous lifestyle. It's almost as if there aren't super-powered maniacs on the loose who would love to find out where Spider-Man sleeps.

And then a train full of people see Peter without the mask on.

WHAT? WHAT?!?! WHAT?!?!?!?!

That doesn't bother anybody in the audience? You're telling me there is not one S.O.B. on that train? Not one purse-snatcher, or mugger, or car thief on an entire car of a New York train? Not one person who would love to rat out The Spectacular Spider-Man to the whole world?

Right, now there is some serious suspension of disbelief.

And I don't know about you, but I'd really rather not see another Green Goblin movie. This one lays the foundations for it.

Writing Harry Osborne as the second Green Goblin will effectively make part 3 into a clone of part 1. Only this time, Gobbie probably won't die, but end up in a loony bin. That's the way it went in the comic, anyway. Whoopty-doo! Give me something at least slightly new. I mean, yes, I am aware how these comic book movies work. They're (generally) pretty formulaic. BUT THE SAME VILLAIN, AGAIN?!?!?

But, Joey, that's how it went down in the comics.

Yes, but I say again in new words: Maybe it makes for a cool comic story, but it doesn't make for a particularly interesting movie-going experience when it's the second time around.

In closing I'd like to say that the action sequences with Doc Octupus were pretty damn cool. Those scenes were very exciting and fun to watch! I just wish he were a more prominent character. I wanted more than a half-hour of him. Oh yeah, and J. Jonah Jameson rules as usual. AND Bruce Campbell makes a hilarious cameo... again!

Overall, I give it a 2 out of 5 Poops.

Whew. I warned you. I said "long-winded" at the top.

I have been to AtomFilms before, but it was long ago in their early days.

The place has gotten pretty damn cool, I gotta say.

Check the link out.

Some of you will be pleased to notice that they have somehow managed to resurrect The Critic yet again. It's not the same old Critic we once knew and loved; he's now in Flash animation, but it's still Jon Lovitz and it's still pretty funny.

Also, you may notice some changes to my links section. Please, I encourage you to click and enjoy.

The marathon of stream-lining begins.

I have moved more times than I care to remember.

I hate moving.

I really really really hate moving.

It's mainly die to the fact that I am an enormous pack-rat.

I have soooo much stuff that moving becomes a huge, taxing ordeal.

This time I'm trying to fix that.

This time I'm selling/giving away/throwing out just about anything I can live without... and that's pretty much everything.

By the way, if you or anybody you know (in the Phoenix area) needs a large, comfy green chair, or a nice, small movable white cabinet let me know. Make me an offer, come pick it up!

Everything else is going up on Ebay.

I've got a massive collection of stuff. Some things I kept for sentimental reasons. Others I collected for their eventual monetary value.

It's all going...

Well, almost all. I'm not parting with the Garbage Pail Kids, or the MUSCLE MEN.

Those are small. Those I'll keep.

Everything else though, all the old video games, action figures, Micro Machines, comic books, baseball cards, basketball cards, pogs, Wheaties boxes, etc.

Today my mission is to go out and find some price-guides so I don't get hosed selling this stuff. You know, just in case there's some ultra-rare chase card or something in all this mess, I want to get as much as I can for it.

I'm hoping to make at least enough to get myself an Mp3 player.

It will come in very handy on the upcoming London trip, and plus I've wanted one for quite a while.

Just think; I will have converted boxes upon boxes of useless crap into something small enough and powerful enough to carry my entire music library around in my pocket.

This pack-rat is on the road to reform.

Well, with the exception of the Garbage Pail Kids and the MUSCLE MEN.

Come on, you can't expect me to give up ALL my childhood vices in one fell-swoop.

Not too long ago I mentioned that I bought a certain movie on Ebay.

Today I received and watched this cinematic masterpiece.

I gotta tell you, if you haven't seen The Garbage Pail Kids Movie, you really owe it to yourself to track down a copy.

Now, you may asking yourself, is he being serious? Was it really that good? Or is he just being facetious? The old bait-and-switch?

Oh my god, is it bad.

It's really bad.

BUT it's not say... Battlefield Earth-bad.

Nor would I say it's Legends Of The Fall-bad.

I'd say it's more like... Jack Frost(NOT the Michael Keaton film)-bad. Or maybe Plan Nine From Outer Space-bad.

Or dare I say it...

yes, I dare: It's almost Puma Man-bad.

If you haven't seen the former list, I say good. Save yourself the headache and mind-numbing torture of two of the worst movies of our generation.

Honestly, I am widely considered somewhat of an authority on this sort of thing. Take my word on those two.

If you haven't seen the latter list, then get to it! These movies are the kind of movies that are so bad that they are actually good.

These are the types of movies that you rent on some lazy weekend with a bunch of friends. You drink a little (or a lot, as the case may be) and you heckle the hell out of them.

Mystery Science Theatre 3000 used to make this into an art form.

************

In retrospect, I do apologize for such a link-heavy post, but follow some of them. You might learn something?



So... uh. You're still here.

I guess you didn't buy that whole "learn something" bit, eh?

Well, uh...

OH MY GOD! LOOK BEHIND YOU!!!!!!!

******************

Happy Birthday To My Brother Day!

Today my little brother turns 22.

I thought I would take a moment from the usual poopiness to talk a little about my brother.

Funny guy, my brother.

Here's a little fictionalized version of my earliest memory of my brother. I wrote this about a year ago, I think

At about the age of four I had developed a finely honed sadism, which seemed only to be satisfied by torturing my little brother, Jonny. Whether you've been on the giving or receiving end of this; anybody with a sibling probably knows what I mean.

On this particular day I had decided to hide Jonny's bottle from him after mom had left the room, and I was celebrating this victory by teasing and gloating, and just generally be a jerk. For a while Jon seemed oblivious to all of this, and just kept on watching his cartoons, but eventually he'd had enough.

He calmly stood up, waddled his little two year-old walk over to me, who didn't quite know what to do with this unusual behavior and just looked at the little guy incredulously. Jon paused for a second, and then punched me neatly in the center of my face, after which he calmly waddled back over to the TV, and resumed his cartoon watching. Of course, I ran, screaming and bloody for Mom, who was not the least bit sympathetic. She knew that I would've had to have done something to provoke an attack from my normally docile and almost stoic younger brother. Well, of course she was right, but that didn't make me feel any better about it.

What neither I, nor my mom would ever learn was that, interestingly enough, Jonny couldn't have given a dirty diaper about the bottle. He hadn't even been hungry. Jon took issue with something else entirely. I had been disturbing his cartoon watching. All Jonny wanted to do was relax with his good friends, Bugs and Daffy, but I just seemed intent on drowning out their capering. Jonny decided to put an end to all that. Of course, this isn't the vocabulary little Jon-boy would've used to describe the event. In fact, Jonny had no vocabulary at all at the time. He chose not to speak until he was nearly four. It's not that he was stupid or anything, he just didn't have anything to say. This is in fact the exact reason that neither I nor my mom would ever discover Jonny's true motivations that day.

This is also a perfect metaphor for Joey and Jonny's entire childhood together.

**********

Of course, once we hit the strange age of high school we seemed to grow closer with each day.

My brother is a good man and a good friend, but man were we both ever bastards as kids.

Actually, it was mostly me.

Mostly.

At any rate, if any of you out there who don't see my brother regularly would like me to pass on any birthday wishes on to him, just drop them into the comments and I'll copy and paste them all into a nice email to him.

I think he'll like that.

I just wish I would've thought of it yesterday.

I left my heart in Las Vegas... er, wait...

I left my money in Las Vegas.

Yeah, that's it.

I suppose the law of diminishing returns had to kick in at some point.

The law of diminishing returns, simply put, states a decreasing amount of extra output is gained when extra units of a varying input are added to a fixed input.

My input definitely exceeded the output these last couple days.

Well, I suppose every winning-streak must eventually come to an end. Even nine year long ones.

*&%#^$%#^&

Ahem.

My lifetime winnings (stretching back to my first street-craps game at age 15) stand somewhere upwards of $2000.00 That's definitely not bad.

My lifetime losses (stretching back all of four months) come to a total of $200.00

I've decided I'm cutting those losses and never looking back.

That's right ladies and germs; Joey has given up the dice.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking this is just like every hangover sufferer swearing he'll never drink again, and then hitting the sauce the following weekend.

Perhaps. Perhaps not. Time will tell.

Anyway, here are some pics from the trip.



I don't think Aku needs any introduction. This kids' meal toy somehow became the mascot for the Vegas trip Ryan and I took last summer, so we thought we'd keep up the new tradition.


This stunning, picturesque view was all we could see from our fabulous suite at Circus Circus.


On the way home this old fart in the red Toyota in front of us happened to be complaining to the cop at the security checkpoint on Hoover Dam. You can see the cop looking our way just as I was taking the picture.

The red Toyota pulls away, so we pull up next. The cop leans in to Ryan and he says "Try to stay off that guy's bumper. The speed limit is 25 here."

Ryan: What?

The cop impatiently repeated himself, and I'm guessing by his disinterested tone he was only telling us this because the old guy tattled on us.

We were going 25. Stay off his bumper? Two car-lengths at that low speed is most certainly a safe following distance. Too close for freeway speed, but we weren't going freeway speed.

Old people. Funny.

Blast From the Gross-Out Past

When I was but a wee lad I liked what most wee lads like: gross stuff.

Still do, in fact.

As a kid there were two things I prized above all others.

One was M.U.S.C.L.E. Men

Millions of Unusual Small Creatures Lurking Everywhere.

These weren't exactly gross, so my parents allowed them. Whether they approved or not, I don't know, but they let me have them.

The next one is where the gross comes in.

The other one was Garbage Pail Kids.



Pic is link to bigger version.

Oh yes, my friends. Those sick snotty-pukey-gooey spoofs on The Cabbage Patch Kids.

As a boy I would sneak over to the local convenience store to buy them whenever I had some spare cash.

Sadly, my parents would find them and throw them away.

These were NOT approved of, and not allowed, and as a consequence I was the only kid on my block to miss The GPK Movie.

Oh yes, there was a movie, and I wasn't allowed to see it. My parents even went so far as to tell this to all my friends' parents so I couldn't dupe them into taking me.

@$%#* Parents!

Years later, enter the glory that is Ebay.

Not only did I just buy myself a bootleg DVD of the movie, but I also bought the entire 5th series set in mint condition.

And I got it all for under $30.

Sometimes nostalgia can drive us to some silly things, but damn if those cards aren't hilarious.

I'm told the movie sucks anyway, but you know what; it feels good to break ridiculous rules from childhood.

I mean, come on, how many of you have ever had ice cream for breakfast since leaving your parents house just because you could?

I only did that one once, because that's not exactly healthy, but it felt good the one time.

So, I say seize the day! Run with scissors! Put all your eggs in just one basket, and then count all the chickens before they hatch! Mwa-ha! Stare that gift-horse right in the mouth and shout: "I'M MY OWN PERSON NOW, MOM AND DAD, AND I'LL DO WHATEVER I WANT."

Just don't make the same mistake I did: be sure it's his mouth.

Horses kick pretty damn hard.

Back from Lala Land with a fistful of email addresses and phone numbers, and about $80 after gas.

Sweet.

It was a fun little project with a really fun group of people. It looks like I came out of it with some new friends and career allies, and possibly some good stuff for my reel.

Super sweet.

The promo turned out to be for one of those reality/game shows that we've all seen too much of these days. They take this scripted promo to networks to show them what it could be like, and if someone buys it, then they start filming the real episodes.

This one is called "Love Conquers All."

Original, right? Yeah, and the premise is a peach too.

It breaks down like this; basically one chick has her pick of a big bunch o' guys, like that show the Bachelorette. They all live in this big house together for a month or so as she eliminates them down, BUT, there's a catch.

Dunh-dunh-da!

Once she has them narrowed down to the final eight the host reveals this huge list on the wall of dark secrets that range from tame to downright sad.

Examples:

Tax Evasion.

Believes Was Abducted by Aliens.

400+ Sexual Partners

Is Sterile.

The trick is the list has sixteen secrets, and there are only eight guys. As she eliminated each guy, he then reveals his secret. This way there are always way more secrets than guys.

Like Forrest Gump's mama always said "You never know what you gonna get."

My guy gets eliminated third to last.

She cuts me and I walk over to tell her my secret.

"I'm really sorry" she says as she shakes my hand

"It's okay. My secret: When I was in high school I got busted for hacking into a bunch of bank computers. Computer Fraud." I pause as if I'm done. "BUT, I also have another secret. When I got out I got hired by an online security company to write code for them. Now I'm a multi-millionaire. Have a nice life." I turned to leave and gave a nod to the remaining bachelors. "Peace out guys."

Hell yes! I get to live out every nerdy american boy's dream. I get revenge on the pretty girl. She dumps me, but UH-OH! I'm rich, sister. THHHPPPBBBTTTT!

It's a little overdone in these reality shows, but it was still fun to do.

I was the scrawny one out of these bachelors, so it's fitting that I was the rich nerd. These guys were all my height, but like thirty pounds of muscle heavier than me.

Needless to say I felt out of place in the pool scene.

Anyhoo, after my hellish six hour drive home I'm off to Brian's to watch some Samurai Champloo.

Should be fun.

I know there will be a lot of vehement disagreement with what I'm about to say, but, sorry. It's just how I feel.

Scarface is a very over-rated movie.

And btw, if you haven't seen it, be warned that I will ruin the ending for you here.

I had never seen it before and had heard great things for so many years. Bookman's had the DVD for cheap, so I thought, what the hell.

Al Pacino was not disappointing AT ALL, but then that is not at all surprising. He did a great job of making himself unlikable. His accent, while a touch overdone, was very consistent and not the slightest bit distracting.

The story I've seen before. All the old gangster movies with guys like James Cagney and Edward G Robinson all went this way. Back then there was a series of codes you had to follow with movies. A big one was if you made a mobster movie the mobster had to die in the end. This was their way of making sure all these movies about bad guys said to the audience: CRIME DOESN'T PAY.

Because it's a well known fact that if a mobster in the movies succeeds then that means we could all succeed as mobsters, right?

So, when Tony Montana (Scarface) ends up destroying everything he loves and then gets murdered in the end I was neither surprised nor impressed.

I don't know. It was just another one of those movies, and because it was made in 1983 it had a terribly lame, synth-heavy soundtrack, which didn't help me like it any more.

For Pacino's performance alone I will give it 2 out 5 Stars. Or wait...

I suppose I sould come up with my own rating system for movies.It's obvious, isn't it?

2 out of 5 Poops.

*******

Today I leave for LA to maybe shoot some promotional thing a friend got me.

I also might end up PA-ing for a half a day, but either way I get to spend some time with Mr Crohn, and that's cool.

And maybe I might meet somebody who can help my career a lot. We'll see.

See you on Sunday.

Okay, people. I want to put this on a shirt with some kind of short/sweet funny little joke.

There's potential for a good one here, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

I've come up with a lot of maybes, but nothing that made me jump up and say "THAT'S IT!"

You're funny people. Give me something great for this and there's a prize in it for you.*

Have fun and throw your best at me in the Pebblys!

*prize to be determined later. this offer not good in conjunction with any other Poop Shute offer. this offer void for any participants born in any month ending in "y" this offer valid in forty-nine states, sorry Tennessee.

A week and a half ago a new friend moved in to our home.

His name is Henry, and I can't believe I forgot to introduce you all to him.

Ta-da!

Henry, Poopshuters. Poopshuters, Henry.

I know, I know. I'm now one of those people. people who show off pictures of their pets and gush about how cute they are, but...

oh, just look how cute he is!

Seeing as how having children is still a few years off (at least) this is the closest thing i'll have for a while, and I gotta show him off.


So, for now, this is my little boy. He's a quirky little s.o.b. too. He won't leave us alone to sleep at night. He likes to crawl all over our heads, and play with our feet. so we lock him out of the bedroom at night.

In response to these measures, Henry likes to attack the door and cry until one of us can't take it anymore and lets him back in.

One night I decided to try leaving the tv on at a low volume to maybe trick him into thinking he wasn't alone out there.

Lo and behold! A restful night without a crying kitty.

Next morning I found him sitting on the couch, attentively watching the screen. Actually, that morning and every morning since.

Strange little bugger, but... look how cute he is again!

And the band played on...

Had a band practice today.

Not the most productive practice we've ever had, but one of the most fun, that is for certain.

Lauren Henschen joined us today. She brought something to the group that it never had before.

And, no, I don't mean breasts. Allthough, that was a nice perk.

Hehe. I said perk.

Ahem. Anyway, she brought a different energy to the mix that we've never had before. See Ryan, Nick and I tend to write soft, pretty songs. It's gotten to the point now where we get pissed off when we manage to squeeze out yet another of these.

Today we made some slightly more upbeat stuff, and I happily hand 99% of the credit over to Lauren.

The other 1 percent is divided into thirds for the rest of us to share.

*****

Okay, okay. I know I said that I would keep an "analog" journal and post stuff from the film shoot here, but the truth is I suck.

The truth is I wrote down almost nothing in the entirety of the three weeks I was gone.

I do have some pretty good stories to share, but...

Well, here's some more bitter truth for you:

The truth is... I just don't feel like writing it just yet.*

*For more details, please see below post.

Good night.

I have nothing to say today.

It's not that I have nothing to write about. I have plenty of amusing anecdotes from the set. I have plenty of new friends to talk about.

I just don't feel like it.

It's not like writer's block. No, that's like a mental constipation.

It's more like... when you have to pee really bad, and then when you get near the bathroom it sort of goes away.

Yeah. Sorta like that.

My first movie is fully 100% in the can.

Well, it's mostly 100% in the can.

Okay, so it's probably not done. There's talk of flying some of us out to LA in the next month or two for some last minute second unit stuff.

I can tell you this much: I know they're going to need us to come in and do some voice studio work. A lot of the sound from the stuff shot on the prison transport bus is fuct.

I know my sound experience is limited. I mean, a mere three years of theatrical sound designs hardly qualifies me as an expert, BUT it would make sense to me that recording synch-sound on a bus traveling at 55-65 mph (with all the windows down because the AC was busted) would probably be a lame idea.

It's all good for me though. Now I get some valuable sound studio experience. Not only that, but I get a free trip to LA for a few days. Room and food paid for. Plus a nice $75 per day.

Life is good.

******

On a sadder note, I saw Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban tonight. Not an entirely bad movie by any means, but... well... At two and a half hours it is still an inadequate length to fully capture the book effectively. Carefully written and well drawn flashbacks become quick monologues tossed off in a heated rush. These crucial past moments become over-done exposition, and leave me feeling cheated.

The worst of it is this time around the three main characters seem totally passive until the last half hour. In the first two films (and in ALL the books) we follow our young heroes around as they fight and solve their way through. This time it seems it all happens around them as they sit by until finally at the end they take some action. I can assure you, this is not the way it goes down in the book.

Those that would leap to defend the movie will bring up that JK Rowling was intimately involved in all three films and personally works with the screenwriter to make sure all the important bits get in. Sadly our author does not have complete creative control. She tells them which bits are important, but she does not control HOW the important bits get in. Besides, even if she did have complete control I would argue that she didn't do her own work justice.

The first two films were good enough. The first two books weren't all that impressive to tell you the truth. Books three and on have been good, solid entertainment. To do these stories justice we need to see them done Kill Bill style. Shoot the whole thing and split it in half. After seeing Azkaban it's clear that the next two will be horrible if crammed in to one theatre-going experience. The next two books are significantly longer than this one!