Poop Shute

Spider-Man 2 Is Poopy!

The following entry is a long-winded exposition of the above statment. If that bothers you, or if you have not yet seen the film, please discontinue reading... now.

Tonight my friends and I all piled into the local MegaBig Theatre to see the long-awaited Spidey Sequal.

This movie is saccharine-sweet, sappy, hackneyed and a mostly boring time.

The first movie combined good, solid dialogue with great special effects and action sequences. This one threw out the good dialogue and trimmed down the effects and action to about half.

I'm not even going to touch the room full of people surviving a room that should have been in the millions of degrees. It's a comic book movie, so some suspension of disbelief is in order.

Having said that, my big problem is actually that the movie gets really bogged down in the Peter Parker identity crisis storyline.

To sling webs, or not to sling webs; that is the boring question.

I know, what you're thinking right now:

But, joey, isn't that what happened in the comic?

Yes, but it doesn't make for a fun comic book movie.

But, okay. Maybe you liked that whole thread. To me it detracted from what could have been a cool Doc Ock movie, but whatever. Moving on to...

the love-story. The whole heart-felt "empty seat" scenes are obviously meant to be indicative of a long pattern with Peter. He's always "disappointing" to use MJ's word.

But why does she react SO strongly? He misses the show and he's cut from her life all the sudden.

Wow, man. That's pretty harsh.

They're supposed to be old childhood friends. That seems a little extreme to me. I have had friends miss my shows before, and it definitely upset me, but they are, in the end, my friends. I got over it pretty quick.

But, let's talk about that "empty set" scene itself.

First off, she couldn't see the seats in the house like that.

You see, when acting in live theatre there are many lighting instruments that are hanging over your head and over the house. This is especially true in big-budget houses like the one MJ was working in. And most of these are POINTED DIRECTLY at your face, which means IN YOUR EYES. It's like trying to see stars at night in the city lights. You can't do it.

But, fine, let's just let that go. I thought it was silly, but I'll let it go.

Second, how did she know it was his seat that was empty?

But, Joey, she could have got him the ticket when he said he was coming.

Okay, so... you're suggesting she read the ticket and went out into the house to make sure she knew where his seat was? That's a little obsessive and kind of weird.

Again, I thought it was silly, but I'll let it go.

Thirdly, why did Peter wait across the street to see her after the show?

Answer: So we could have the nice, shocking reveal of young stud, John Jameson and see Peter's heartbreak in silence from afar.

CLICHE and LAME. At least have an awkward moment where the two men show up at the same time and MJ is forced to introduce them. That would have been more interesting to watch, and sill cliche enough to fit their little cheese-fest.

Moving on.

MJ's frustration and Peter's ambivalence are laid on SO very thick that I didn't feel that overall it was honest writing. Meaning there was no reason for her to take him back, making the sickeningly sweet ending very unbelievable for me. I mean come on, she actually sees him at one point and says "oh, it's you" with an annoyed tone. You might call that playing hard-to-get or something, but the performance of the line read pure bitterness.

And her stand-offish attitude after Peter DID make the show was so strong that the whispered "You are different" came off as forced.

And just before Doc Ock ruins the coffee scene by hurling a Ford at them Peter flip-flops on her AGAIN!

WHY? Why would she take him back? I don't believe she would.

The fantasy/dream sequence where Peter refuses his uncle's wishes and says "no more" stinks. Up and down, left and right. It's just overblown and cheesey.

Why is Spidey taking off the mask CONSTANTLY in this one? It's almost as if he doesn't live a horribly dangerous lifestyle. It's almost as if there aren't super-powered maniacs on the loose who would love to find out where Spider-Man sleeps.

And then a train full of people see Peter without the mask on.

WHAT? WHAT?!?! WHAT?!?!?!?!

That doesn't bother anybody in the audience? You're telling me there is not one S.O.B. on that train? Not one purse-snatcher, or mugger, or car thief on an entire car of a New York train? Not one person who would love to rat out The Spectacular Spider-Man to the whole world?

Right, now there is some serious suspension of disbelief.

And I don't know about you, but I'd really rather not see another Green Goblin movie. This one lays the foundations for it.

Writing Harry Osborne as the second Green Goblin will effectively make part 3 into a clone of part 1. Only this time, Gobbie probably won't die, but end up in a loony bin. That's the way it went in the comic, anyway. Whoopty-doo! Give me something at least slightly new. I mean, yes, I am aware how these comic book movies work. They're (generally) pretty formulaic. BUT THE SAME VILLAIN, AGAIN?!?!?

But, Joey, that's how it went down in the comics.

Yes, but I say again in new words: Maybe it makes for a cool comic story, but it doesn't make for a particularly interesting movie-going experience when it's the second time around.

In closing I'd like to say that the action sequences with Doc Octupus were pretty damn cool. Those scenes were very exciting and fun to watch! I just wish he were a more prominent character. I wanted more than a half-hour of him. Oh yeah, and J. Jonah Jameson rules as usual. AND Bruce Campbell makes a hilarious cameo... again!

Overall, I give it a 2 out of 5 Poops.

Whew. I warned you. I said "long-winded" at the top.