Poop Shute

Turning Points Are Kinda Funny

Two posts ago I wrote that I hit a turning point and I was in a much stronger place. I hadn't made any new decisions regarding the complicated relationship situation I was in, but I just felt more in charge of myself and my own destiny. Just reminding myself I could make any choice I wanted for myself at any moment was enough to make me feel stronger again.

Well, it didn't last long. I quickly backslid into handing responsibility for my current situation over to another. Even now, like when I had the turning point, I still know that she never had any control over me that I didn't give to her. But I did give it over to her fully. Then I pissed and moaned to anyone willing to listen about how powerless I was. At any time I could just say "no more." I even tried to do just that a couple times... but my heart always led me to take it back.

Tonight it seems like the big finale happened. I said and did a few things I will regret for a long long time and it was apparently just enough to "kill it." The "it" being whatever there was left to salvage of the relationship. I admit that it was a very ugly moment that erupted out of me, and probably the worst temper I have allowed her to see of me, but if that one outburst killed it, I guess there couldn't have been much left alive anyway. Those are pretty much her words too.

So, all the suffering I put myself through for the last month and a half were all for naught. She said "there wasn't much left." Wading through these waves of up and down and clinging to hope that she would come around, and she was never going to. Never. It was just never going to happen, and I left myself out there holding the bag. Again.

If I had known a month and a half ago what I know now... I... who am I kidding, I would do it all again. I would. I would obviously change tonight if I could, but I would let the rest of it all happen again. As sad and stupid as you might think I am, there were moments. There were still some really nice moments here and there. She'd still tell me she loved me. She'd tell me she missed me pretty often. And there were a few sweet, soft kisses that I wouldn't trade for the world.

And as wonderful as most of the last nine months were, it seems that they weren't a part of a greater whole like I thought. I thought we were building something larger than a one-year-thing. I didn't know if or when it would end, but from where I was standing in October I was optimistic that it was open-ended, at least for a long while. I didn't take it for granted or anything, but I thought that was what we were working towards together. I was wrong.

If she couldn't allow herself to forgive me and love me, then I could have started the painful process of getting over her in April. If she had said so back then, I could possibly be okay right now. But, like I said above, I wouldn't trade one single second of the good times for all the stability in the world.

It will take me a long time to be okay again, but I will still have the good times. Even now, through my tears, they make me smile. A stolen kiss in my gym during a party. Slipping sake cups from a sushi bar into her purse as a memento. Cuddling in front of my laptop to watch some bad tv. Holding her in my arms and simultaneously feeling protected and protecting at the same time. And so many others...

Good times.