Poop Shute

The Biggest Mess Anyone Ever Made

One year ago tomorrow was one of the happiest days of my life. It was a day marked by a celebration of love. Unfortunately for me, I married a woman who ended up a liar, a manipulator and a whore.

For the record, I am well aware that this post is VERY immature, but I am hurt, and I think sometimes pain can make us regress a little. That doesn't excuse it, but I acknowledge that posting this is more than a little irrational. I also recognize that this may be the final nail in the coffin, and Meg may never speak to me again over it. If that is true, so be it. there are things that I need to say.

Even less mature than this rant you are reading is Meg's behavior over the past several months. After manipulating and lying to several people that care very deeply about her, she is ready to write us all off, like we're the assholes for being upset about it. After doing the things she has done she refuses to discuss it. Every time I speak with her, like clockwork, she siezes control and announces "this conversation is over" or "I cannot have this conversation with you." She created this situation, but she won't own up to any of it. She'd rather hang out with her "real friends" who will kiss her ass and let her get away with anything, or make new ones who don't really know what she is capable of, and might sadly find out much later. It's as though we have now become reminders of the havoc she can easily wreak and she can't handle it, so she has trouble facing us at all. If she won't let me sort out my feelings with her directly, then I will sort them out here. If she wants to take a big steaming dump on a great five years, then I will respond in kind.

I should have known early on. I should have taken it as a warning sign when more than five years ago she brought up that sex could just be sex. Yes, sex can just be sex, but it's empty, and ugly and leaves me feeling worse afterwards. It's a conept I became all to familiar with early on in college, but I spent a year alone afterwards to put myself together. A year to be whole without a relationship or sex or any romantic entanglements. After that year I should have known better. I should have known that someone eager about the concept of sex for sex sake was not ready for anything serious, and clearly not the one for me.

Anyway. I married her. I used to think it was one of the best things I ever did with my life. I see now that it was a mistake. No scratch that. There are no mistakes. It was a learning experience.

Here's the rundown of my learning experience, to the best of my knowledge:

October 15th 2005 we said "I do"

December 2005 Our girlfriend, Noel, and I are in a terrible car wreck, among other tragedies, and Meg has a mental/emotional breakdown. I also begin suffering from terrible Post Traumatic Stress.

January 2006 Our girlfriend dumps us, stating it was for lack of feeling for me, but not Meg. The two of us are already fragile from the accident, and this only deepens our individual issues. I slide into a temporarily debilitating depression and Meg's anxiety sky-rockets, the two factors together put a rift between us.

March 2006 Meg was sending emails back and forth with the ex, saying she is leaving me. I caught her and decided to give her what she wanted. I yelled a lot and told her to get out. For some reason she wanted to stay afterall, and like a goddamn idiot, I let her. I still loved her, so I wanted to believe her. She insisted we seek couples counciling, and I was in such a strange emotional place with all the shock and trauma that had been going on that I refused. I don't why, and I wish I had not, but I did. After a few weeks her own mental/emotional issues weren't improving, but she seemd to be. And our relationship seemed to be. We were communicating again, and listening, and having fun together. Her moods seemed to be leveling, and her fear of going out to crowded places eased up a little. Some semblance of normalcy had returned. I was still deeply worried about her, but she kept reassuring me that she was fine, and on the mend. Now I find out that she not improving at all before i left town, and she was just telling me that so I would be happy, so I wouldn't pass up the job in Ohio. Now she's telling me that I should have known all along. How? If her behavior and words are all geared towards convincing me that she is fine, how am I supposed to know better? Read her mind? She accuses me of selfishness now, but if I had known the truth then, I would have dropped everything to make sure she was okay. My priority was her. Always. No job could get in the way of that. But already the lies were beginning.

April / May 2006 Meg conveniently has no recollection of this, but before I left I revisited the couples counciling idea, and mentioned that when I got home, it would probably be a good idea. But why would she remember that? It doesn't make me look like a selfish asshole, so it doesn't fit into her villified image of me. She began planning for how best to take advantage of me being out of town for the summer. She probably began having sex with Luke, before I even left town. That is just a guess, but once I did leave she definitely slept with Luke, Tim, Paul, Angela and Noel. Those are only the ones I know of for sure, but I'd bet there were more. When I asked why she would do that she replied "because I was done, and they were here." How convenient that she can be "done" and not have any responsibility to let me know. Life must be so much more fun when you don't have any sense of social responsibility. But, I'm jumping a head a little.

June 2006 About mid-month Meg explodes at me on the phone and reduces me to a sobbing wreck. Lots of angry complaints come out of her, along with the word "divorce." Eventually she backtracks and says, we'll talk about it when she comes to visit in a couple weeks. All the while she was hiding all the empty sex from me, and broadcasting to our friends at home that we were already over. She was saying horrible things about me behind my back, but reassuring me on the phone. She would exaggerate things that I said and did to the people back home. She would outright make up things that I never said or did. She was villifying me in her own head to justify her treatment of me, so far as I can tell, and everyone else got a taste of it. I have heard stories that she said I was "useless" or when I cried on the phone about the divorce, she actually said "I need a real man, not a cry baby." Two people actually told me that they were in the room when she was talking to me on the phone several times, and she would actually roll her eyes or make snide faces as she said "i love you too" at the end of calls with me. Everyone at home was convinced that she was going to visit me to serve me papers and finally end things face-to-face.

July 2006 The visit. As soon as i see her at the airport she convinces me everything is going to be fine. She was there for a week, and over the course of that week things were... well, they were kind of okay. She said we'd be fine, we had sex every day, most days several times
(see 07-02-2006 post) and I even took some very lovely nude photos of her that got her accepted as a Suicide Girl. We had arts and crafts time, walked around some shops, I even put together an impromptu fireworks setup for us, because my show forced us to miss the real ones. I addressed all the complaints she raised about us on the phone, and demonstrated that she was right, and that I would work on them. Things were mostly going well, but I say "kind of okay" because she would have spells of being very distant and weird, and I would try to ask her about it and she would just get defensive. I thought it was strange, but at the time I attributed it to her own issues, and let it be. She was in therapy and on meds for that, and it seemed clear that she didn't want to discuss it. I will admit that this idea of keeping anything from me was new from her, but I figured it was a sign of growth in her therapy, and took it as a good sign. Here and now I know that she actually was distant because she had probably already checked out.

She was alone at the hotel for about five hours a night while I did the show and she would call people back home and say that she was left alone for days on end, and that she wanted to change her flight to come home early, and she was miserable, etc. Then I would come home later and she'd act like everything was hunky dorey. She was lying because she didn't have the balls to tell me the truth.

August 2006 After Meg returned home she continued to tell everyone that we were over. The visit, according to her, was all business. She claimed that we almost never saw each other, and even slept in separate locations. To me, there was still no sense of any of this. After a week of phone calls that she always cut short with bullsh*t excuses, I expressed that I wanted to talk to her more and I was feeling a little neglected. Finally she came clean with me. Apparently my reasonable relationship needs were too much for her to take, because she was already "done" to use her word. She told me she can't be with anybody right now, she needs to be alone. She has to be alone because she hates who she is in relationships, and wants to "fix" that on her own. I wonder now if she figured as long as she told me before I got home, nobody would ever talk to me about it and compare notes about what actually happened between her and I in july.

September 2006 I returned home and she assured me that she was hopeful we could get back together again, but that she needed an indeterminate length of alone time first. She also made no promises to come back. This way she has made no real commitment,so if she changes her mind, she figures no harm, no foul. Well, after a couple weeks of talking to people and comparing my side of the story with the side that Meg had told everyone I piece together the whole picture. So I FINALLY find out she had been dating Luke, going back as far as June, maybe earlier and is still dating him, even now. I find out that she had been fvcking around behind my back with him and the others, and behind his back with all those others, and even me in July. And I finally hear that all the while she was telling everyone that she was done with me, and just fvcking Luke, not dating him. This way nobody could fault her, or judge her or lecture her for her reprehensible behavior towards everyone whose hearts she was playing with.

To explain the nude pictures that got her into SG, she actually had some people convinced that I had taken them despite the fact that she had brought me closure on our relationship. Somehow people believed that I took nude pictures of her, and did NOT have sex with her OR even sleep at the hotel with her.

There are many more lies to many more people, but I think this is all the major details. Lord only knows what lies she is telling about me now. Now that she doesn't have to see me or talk to me anymore, she can make up sh*t with impunity. She is probably telling people the same lies that she told herself about me. She actually told me on the phone today that she was sick of "taking care of me." That she was sick of being that person to "hold your hand, tell you everything you should do, and tell you how amazing you are..." She really believes that is how we were. Anyone who knows the two of us knows that is just plain silly. If anything, I played that role for her every day. I made all of the decisions. I handled all the finances. It was like pulling teeth to get her to choose a restaurant or a movie for crying out loud. She relied so heavily on me to do it for her. I was constantly reassuring her and bringing her down from big stress-driven moods. If it weren't for me always cleaning up after her (dishes, clothes, cats) our apartment would have always been a wreck. I was never the coddled one in that relationship, it was her. I will admit, that she did tell me I was amazing all the time, but what is wrong with that? I didn't demand it, and everyone enjoys hearing that sort of thing. Should I have stopped her from saying it? She would occasionally use the word "perfect" and that I would stop her on. Nobody is perfect.

Although, the one good part about this story about coddling of me is she can't paint me to be an abuser. I'd much rather her tell people that I was a loser who needed hand-holding than claim that I hit her and/or yelled at her all the time. Neither are true, but at least if she makes me sound weak I won't have to worry about her future boyfriends coming to look for me. I used to fantasize about going after her ex Tom, who she says did beat her. With all the revelations lately I wonder about that story. Did she vilify him too so she could write him off?

To me the saddest thing is, she was right about one thing, and she's ignored it. She said she needed to be alone. Meg has never been alone. She has leap-frogged from one relationship to the next for years. Shortly after leaving her parents home she met me, and we were practically live-in right off the bat. Over these weeks she has admitted to me that she doesn't know how to be alone and it scares the sh*t out of her. That is a problem. The year I spent alone is one of the most valuable times in my life. I truly believe that everyone needs to be a whole person alone before they can be in a healthy long term relationship. It might not take everyone a year, hell it might take more, but doing it without a deadline is what is key. Doing it until you wake up one morning and realize that you don't need to be with another person, but you just want it. You can grow to need someone specific later, but not needing anybody first is absolutely necassary. And she is not doing that. I may be hurt, and I may not respect or even trust her anymore, but I will always wish her well. Even if her and I never see each other again, I wish for her some healthy alone time. I've never met someone that needed it more than she does right now.