The past seven seven months or so have been a period of great upheaval in my life. I have suffered great traumas, and celebrated new challenges. I would say out of all of my twenty-six years on this earth I have learned more and grown more since December than in any other year of my life.
GURG has a post from this past friday (o6/30/2006) that got my mind going on this topic. In the mix of the post he tosses out the idea that people can't, or at least don't, change. I'm not sure if he really believes that, or if he was chewing it around to decide, but I disagreed somewhat in the comments. I added this to his thoughts:
"Wise words Sibbit.
Though, from my experience anyway, lasting internal changes don't tend to come about easily, [if] at all, when one tries to create them. [But] we are all changing everyday. The memories that Gurg mentions are not just things floating around in our heads separate from us, but each new memory becomes a lasting imprint on our personality, and contributes to the shaping of our future personality. Clearly some memories are more lasting and shaping than others, but I think they all affect us in one way or another."
The brackets represent a few edits I made when copying over. I posted the comment hastily, and my original thoughts weren't as clear as I would like.
I think I've always understood it this way, but only recently have I had reason to really put it into words.
I've come to find things about myself these past months that I do not like. Things that most people would not like about others. Things I want to change. Gurg's post put me into that headspace just now.
The most important thing I've learned in this whole process is that the first step to any change is accepting the truth. If you take a good, long look at yourself you'll see the things that you don't like. When you see these things, don't say to yourself "no, that's not me. I'm not really like that." Saying that makes change impossible. You have to accept whatever undesirable thing you identify as a part of you first, so that you can work towards changing it. If you can convince yourself that you are "not really like that" then you won't need to change, instead you'll just ignore it.
Many of you probably already know this. As far as I know this idea is the first step of every 12-step program and addiction support group under the sun. Some of you are probably nodding, and/or saying "duh." Well, this was a hard lesson for me to learn, so thpbpbpbpbt.
But, I take great solace in the knowledge that this lesson will make many future lessons easier.
Not easy, mind you. Easier.
GURG'S ORIGINAL POST:
Friday, June 30, 2006
My car is dead. I do not know if I will resurrect it. The expense is unwelcome but not insurmountable so I don't think that is the real reason I can't decide its fate. I have been riding my bike to work for the past two days. I enjoy it. I've had the bike for almost a month, actually, and I hadn't ridden it at all. I'm starting to think I don't do anything unless I absolutely have to...
My delightful roommates and I were doling out our daily requirement of jokes at others' expense earlier tonight. We mocked our friend for getting back together with a guy who didn't seem very nice at all. Someone said that guys never change and I laughingly chimed agreement. Now as I fulfill my daily requirement of pensively listening to Sarah Mclachlan, I wonder. There are times when I miss someone terribly and do not have the means of communicating with them. I mean, I could contact them, but doubt they would be very responsive. If someone chooses to forget you, allowing them to do so seems to be the polite thing to do. And if I'm nothing else, at least I'm polite.
And yet, somewhere there is a younger version of myself, perhaps scowling, maybe looking cold and aloof, or twisting away from an embrace. This me is locked in that moment, encased in the amber of someone's memory. I don't like it.
Not much I can do about memory. Memories can be true, memories can be false, but every memory is real, it exists, and it does have an effect. Thems the rules.
But if I can't change then why worry? Every memory of me is as good as any other. Same old Guillermo, every time. I guess I can live with that.
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