Poop Shute

Holy Hell

I had been asleep for barely a few minutes. I was in that stage where the very earliest meandering nonsense of a dream was commencing... when it happened.

Something fell in the bathroom with a loud bang.

Normally that would startle me out of slumber and possibly leave me frustratingly wide awake at 3 am. Since the accident, there's a new level.

I was screaming and crying hysterically and shivering from the artificial cold feeling that one gets when one is in shock before I even knew I was awake. Only after I finally calmed down did I become aware what had actually happened. The first thing that I was aware of was my face buried in my hands which were dripping with tears and Meg's soothing voice in my ear. All I can guess is the bang was enough to trigger the memory of the bang the cars made when we were hit. It sent me flying right back into the mental state I was in immediately following the accident. This is further evidenced by the fact that my head, neck, kidney and knee were aching as well.

A couple weeks ago while drivign home I ran over a loose manhole cover that made a loud bang. The panic attack began, but I was quickly able to subdue it and remind myself that I was fine. Yesterday I stopped in to the gym and while I was there a guy dropped a barbell, and the same thing happened. I think this one tonight was worse because I was already in that fragile, vulnerable part of the mind that we go into when we sleep. I was already so close to this pain that it didn't take much to send me out of control.

Irrational reactions like this make me wonder how many other things I'm reacting badly too that I shouldn't be. Am I lashing out too much? Am I moping too much? How much of what I am right now is bullsh*t from the accident, and how much is actually me? Or how much of this bullsh*t from the accident is actually me from now on? The same questions run through my mind about Noel. For her the complications have to be much worse. Her brain is still recovering from very tangible physical damage as well as the emotional trauma of this whole experience, whereas mine is recovering only from the latter.

I know that this whole thing will take time to get over, but I have never been known for my patience.

COMMENTS:

Sorry guys, it's not going to be the usual fun and games on here for a little while.
Just know that it means a lot to me that you still come to read this stuff. I know it's hard to know what to say when I am like this, but please leave me notes of support on the comments. It will mean the world to me to know that you care.
Thanks, and love to you all.
Joey 02.09.06 - 5:43 am

Have you thought about seing a psychologist? It might help.
Maybe 02.09.06 - 10:29 am

In general, most lashing out is too much, as well as moping. From what little I understand about neural pathways and how they form, I suggest building interference. I'm not sure how to start associate loud banging noises with positive things, but writing about searching for a solution is a good start. Maybe grab some of that ol' artistic skill and go at to town. Catharsis Town.
I just noticed that your haloscan ads think you are a struggling teen. Or a wilderness creature.
Guillermo 02.09.06 - 3:15 pm

I fully agree about any lashing out being too much, i was just unsure if i was lashing out or not in general. I don't think I am. I don't seem to have the energy to reach anger easily lately.
The moping too, and it's already getting better. I must have read the same sources as you, because I've been working on that interference and associations thing you mentioned. It's helping little by little.
And, thank you for your suggestion, whoever you are, Mr or Ms Maybe. I have gotten that one alot, so I am not offended. Why hide behind an alias? It's easy to be brave online, and even easier when you don't identify yourself. Just drop the pretense and claim your words, please.
Joey 02.09.06 - 9:08 pm

Oh, and the "interference" thing works ONLY when you are concious. Like I said, I was able to interfere with the pattern with the manhole cover bang, and the one at the gym, and settle myself pretty quickly, but the one in the middle of the night came during sleep where all mental guards are dropped. The reaction took place before I was even actually awake. No way to prevent that.
Joey 02.09.06 - 9:12 pm