Poop Shute

Okay, I lied. I'm sorry.

When you go through something like a bad car wreck everybody is so quick to point out things like "it could have been so much worse" and "at least you came out of it okay."

Did I? Did I really come out of it okay? I'm scared all the time. I cry frequently. I can't focus my attention for more than a couple minutes. I can't motivate myself to exercise. I lash out at Meg with brutal yelling that seems to come out of nowhere. I know I need help but I don't know what help so I don't know how to ask for it the right way. And worst of all I push Noel to extremity and do so without even realizing it.

I just want things back to the way they were before 11:30 pm on December 15th. I want to not have chronic back pain. I want to not be very aware of my right kidney every time I get a little bit dehydrated. I want to be able to drive without feeling like throwing up. I want everyone to stop asking me "how are you doing" with that fucking tone that drips of pity and concern. I want to hold my girlfriend in my arms. I want to have made it to Sedona with her and Meg that weekend. I want to let all of this garbage go. I want to leave it behind and move forward. I want to be happy. I want my life back the way it was.

I want to relax again.