Poop Shute

It finally happened.

I finally saw the stupidest f**king thing ever invented by any idiot ever. EVER.

STRAIT LINE ROLLING MEASURING TAPE.

You know those commercials that show you some lame jackass trying to do something perfectly mundane like combing his hair and he just can't seem to do it and then he throws up his hands in frustration? Then they show you the Super Mega AutoComb 3000 for just $19.95. You know what I'm talking about?

The tv commercial shows you a lovely young couple attempting to measure the length of a wall in their lovely little home. The two are using your standard, everyday analogue measuring tape. They each take an end and spread out. She accidentally lets her end go and it snaps back at him. He responds with a bit of over-dramatic flailing and then he drops the apparently lethal device. The moment finishes with him shooting her a withering look and her shrugging a silent apology.

Voice Over Guy: Ordinary measuring tape just not cutting it? Try the new Strait Line Rolling Measuring Tape.

NO, V.O. Guy! It's the measurer that's just not cutting it!

Okay, look people: If you can't operate a tape measure then you have no business attempting home improvements without professional supervision. I mean, are you retarded? For the love of GOD, you pull the end out, you read. HOW HARD IS IT?!?

And here's a key question to ask: since when is measuring a two person job? I mean you can just lay it out along the base of the wall holding it open with your thumb. Or there's that recently discovered technological miracle on the end too. You know, a hook?

This ad brings to mind that age-old question: 'what do you get for the man who has everything?' This company would like to believe they have an answer.

If the man is the moron in this ad, I prefer my answer: a frontal lobotomy.