Poop Shute

Won't You Be my Neighbor? ...Please?

I have officially been completely soured on the whole movie-going experience. It's been a long time in coming for me, but I'm done. I cannot handle seeing movies with large groups of stupid, and more to the point, loud people.

Allow me to explain.

Tonight I went to see SAW. Tee hee. I just said see saw. Anyway. The movie was allright. I give it a 3 out of 5. The audience participation portion of the film I give a negative 10 out of 5.

First of all the ticket was eleven dollars and the box office dick actually laughed a little when I asked if they offered a student discount.

About twenty minutes into the film a young hispanic fellow marched about halfway down the aisle and barked out:

"Hey! Julio!" He looks around " Julio! Where are you? Let's roll up outta here, dog."

A person who I can only assume was Julio muttered back a reply, to which our new friend in the aisle made that "tsk" noise that urban folk make when they're annoyed and said "Bitch-ass nigger." And then he left sans Julio. True story.

Trust me it gets worse.

This stupid valley girl sitting in front of me was constantly texting with some idiot on her cell phone. I know, I know texting is quiet, right? Why did that bother me, right? Her damn cell phone screen light kept flashing on and off in my periphery. I wanted to reach over and shove the damn thing up her right nostril. Why the hell would you pay eleven dollars to ignore a movie? Go home, turn on the tv and ignore that FOR FREE!

Last, and most disturbing of all was the inappropriate laughter. We're talking gruesome shit happening and you hear a crowd go nuts like they were watching Lewis Black give his famous Starbucks-across-from-another-Starbucks rant. And I'm not talking about that laughter at gruesome shit that people laugh when they are uncomfortable. That I would get. That I could see. I'm talking full on belly laugh at something funny.

Picture this: CARRY ELWES is chained to a wall. He is hysterically crying and railing against his chains because he just talked to his abducted wife and daughter on the phone. They might be dead now, he can't be sure, so he's hysterical.

Roar of laughter.

What.

The.

F**k.

NETFLIX here I come.