Poop Shute

Grave news

The follwing is a transcript of tonight's State of The Poop address, given by the one and only, Lord J. Knucklehead himself.


A good evening to you, O citizenry of the great commonwealth of Poop. It has been an interesting few months thus far in 2004. As of now our fun quotient is up a full 2% from last year, bringing us to a new high of 2.5%! WAy to go. But sadly the already weakened state of our economy has taken an even greater turn for the worse. Our unemployment rate is up to a staggering 100% This figure is what it is due to the unprecedented complete lack of emigration, or reproduction...ever... and the only actual citizenry being myself.

But, on to much more disturbing news. Today it was brought to my attention just how ghetto the land of Poop has become as of late. We were once a sprawling Utopia, a thriving metropolis and now... now, it has come to this. It is a sad day in the Land of Poop when one among us (myself) is confronted with actual poop whilst in the middle of his workout. I'm referring of course to today's front page news that an actual piece of feces was discovered in the community fitness center. For those of you unaware of this situation, I swear to you, I am NOT MAKING THIS UP.

The witness (me) had this to say: "So I just finished up my third set on my biceps and I looked over in the corner and saw what I was sure was a brown leather wallet somebody had left behind by accident. I went over to get it, figuring I'd drop it by the apartment complex office on my way out. On closer inspection I was horrified to find it was actually a log of poop."

Yes, folks. Sad, but true, I'm afraid. Up until this moment poop was something confined to humorous cartoons about robots and the pivacy of one's own bathroom... and, well I guess the dogwalk park too, but I never go there. Today is a dark day in the history of our great land. So toay, I come to you with a promise.

Today, I vow to do everything in my power to recify our substandard living conditions. I vow to do so by putting our economy backs on its feet, by employing EVERY citizen of The Land of Poop (me). Yes, my trusting peoples, I promise that one day every one of us will have a house of his own, with a home theatre system, and a weight room out back. Every man shall have a fridge full of whatever imported beer he desires. And a nanny named Consuela to raise their kids for them. This and what needful else shall call upon me!

As always, I your humble servant thank you and bid you a fond good night.