Poop Shute

A Rough Week Just Got Rougher

I know, I know. In the not-too-distant past I was prone to very dramatic and emotional displays on my blog... and in life for that matter. I've found a calm lately that I am very fond of. I have found that I like being happy much better, but I've had a couple pieces of some bad news this week. Please pardon the gloomy attitude while I explain.

Recently John and I have been trying to build a company to squeeze into this massive new "green" market that has picked up momentum the last couple years. My Dad, who is a property manager for a very rich community out in Mesa offered us our first big contract doing a big solar installation where he works. The job would mean thousands for us, right off, and hopefully a lot of attention from his residents which might mean a lot of future business as well.

We poured our hearts and souls into a bid proposal for him a few weeks back. It was a big hit. We took turns outlining all the pros and cons of the various options available, we had visual aids of the products we'd be installing, and I even made some mock-ups in Photoshop of what they might look like when installed in his community. He was impressed, and proud, and I have never been happier. I've always felt like my Dad and I don't connect as much as I'd like, and for the first time in quite a while I felt like I reached into his world a little and I actually felt like I fit in and it was nice. Everyone is always hoping for parental approval on some level, and I had gained it.

Time for this project has become a scarce commodity since that night. There was actually even a gap wherein John and I were both so busy we played phone tag nearly every day for two solid weeks! How can we run a fledgling business when we can't even find time to talk?

Last night he and I conferred and made a very painful decision. Painful for me anyway. We agreed that our day jobs were now demanding more and more of our time, and we each seemed to be waxing and waning in our ability to drive this thing forward. Without the ability to see it through, the choice was clear.

Today, with a heavy heart I had to write a letter to my Dad withdrawing our bid proposal and announcing the dismantling of our short-lived company. After sending it to him through email I called him just to follow up. I felt so humiliated. I felt like whatever glow I had gained in my Dad's eyes I had just tarnished it, torn it to shreds and pissed all over it. I made sure that he had no idea of my pain, but I was fighting back tears the entire conversation.

As we all know I have had Dad issues on and off for years. My teen years were kind of traumatic for the both of us, he and I. Today they seem to be resurfacing. I just feel like sh*t. I feel embarassed and frustrated. I feel like I'm sixteen again, and hurting because of a rift between he and I that I was just making worse with every passing day...

And just now I have a new problem. I'm not going into detail just yet, but the next couple days may not be very pleasant for me. I've been saying for a while now that no day is a bad day, and I still definitely believe that. But on this day I'm just not feeling so good.

This too shall pass.