Poop Shute

Kim is gone.

She hit me. A couple times. She told me she hates me. She doesn't even want me in her life at all.

And I deserved every bit of it.

About a year ago I made some very ugly and hurtful choices. I manipulated two people over a great length of time. The reality of the situation was I was in love with one of them, with Kim, and I was just too scared to really give in to it. To deal with this fear I created an obstacle for myself. I convinced myself that I was in love with them both, and couldn't decide between them. From there I began to lie. I think the fear-tactics were if I could keep them both going then I didn't have to actually commit to either. And when lying got me backed into a corner I'd lie some more. That tangled web saying is more true than you know. I wove a web alright, and eight months later I hanged myself on it, but then I'm jumping ahead.

In the end of the mess I got caught. It took me FAR too long, but I made the choice I always should have. Kim is the sexiest and smartest and funniest and most fun woman I have ever known. She made me work for it, and warned me that occasionally she might lash out about it, but she said she did love me and wanted it to work out.

From that moment on something was wrong. Kim kept the specifics to herself, but when we'd fight there was something new. There was this white-hot, bitter rage that I had never seen in her before and it would break loose during even the smallest of fights. Again, I deserved it, but we should have known then. She clearly never got past it. Even if she did love me and really did want to make it work, over time that was chipped away by what I had done. As of tonight it was all gone.

I am more sorry than words can contain for what I did. Even if I never see Kim again I will continue to be sorry for the rest of my life. We were seeing each other for a good solid couple months before I started to ruin it, and those first couple months were wonderful. We played video games, we'd talk till all hours, and the "private moments" were the best of my life (that never changed). My heart is broken wide open that because of my bullsh*t we won't get to see that happy beginning through to the happy ending we should have.

In my heart I want her to come back, but in my head I know that unless she can move past what I did, it will just be more white-hot rage and neither one of us wants that.

Maybe some day, The Monkey and Sweet Cheeks can see eye to eye. But not today.