How To Have Friends That Disagree On Fundamentals Of Life.
I recently met someone who I have been having an ongoing conversation with. During this chat she mentioned that she likes to meet "like-minded" people. I agreed, but also mentioned that different-minded people can also be a welcome addition to your life. They can push you and challenge you and even teach you more than a like-minded person ever could. I mentioned that my friend John and I have long disagreed on many of the things that we see as the fundamentals of life, and yet I love him like he were my own brother.
She asked how to accomplish this. She mentioned that she finds herself wanting to "help" the other person see the light. I understand that concept perfectly, because I think we all fall into that trap a little bit. I know I do it sometimes. You can't help but feel evangelical when you think you are right and they are wrong. It seems natural, but it can lead to some hurtful arguments if you're not careful.
I thought long and hard about the question, and here is what I have come up with.
Here are the keys, as I see it:
Expect it to come up, don't avoid it.
Enjoy the spirited debate as just that; a spirited debate, and NOT an argument. Think of it as two people better honing their own points on the issue, and learning what the opposition has to say. Through this process you may find holes in their points that make them think. Maybe you'll find holes in your own points that you never knew were there. If you can take these discoveries rationally, then you will either find a way to plug the holes, or abandon the point entirely.
In the end you have to expect to agree to disagree, because it is only very rarely that discussion will change any one person's mind on any issue they take seriously.
OH, and MOST IMPORTANTLY don't ever discuss these issues in a group setting. Only one-on-one. This way neither of you is in danger of being ganged up on. Feelings get hurt that way. It's funny how a roomful of people disagreeing with you can seem so much more offensive than just one person, no matter how calm and collected they are. Emotional reactions in these situations are common and rarely ever leave the reactive person able to continue rationally.
Thoughts? Comments? Questions? Concerns?
I'm going to enjoy reading what people have to say about this topic in the PEBBLY POOPS below.
COMMENTS:
As an addendum, on the internet, you're almost never alone so it's best to avoid serious discussion on the web unless you are looking for an exercise in futility.
Crohn 11.16.06 - 7:19 pm
Everything you've said is completely wrong.
To truly understand someone, you must devour their heart.
Some idiots believe you have to devour the brain, but they're wrong too. The brain is just a decoy, you see.
Guillermo 11.17.06 - 2:06 pm
I thought you eat someone's heart to steal their strength, not to understand them.
therealdavid 11.17.06 - 5:13 pm
Well if that were true then this should still be the Indians land.
Brian Y. 11.18.06 - 3:37 am
i love how we get off on crazy tangents. Anyway, my comments etc. I think the most important part of being friends with anyone is knowing that you are going to disagreee on things. Probably lots of things. The world would be boring if we all thought the same way. So, respecting other opinions. Knowing that other opinions are not wrong, just different. I find that a lot of people can't do that, they see it in my opinion is right, yours is wrong. I hate that. Also, having been the one person in the group situation, it is way not fun. And it really does seem like everyone is ganging up on you. And it ends up not being an interesting or productive conversation, because the one person just gets attacked from all sides instead of discussion. Ok, that is all. Loop, I am sort of half way back in!
Mollie 11.19.06 - 11:40 pm
I fundamentally disagree with you on how to disagree with friends. Everyone standing around me as I type this agrees.
Guillermo 11.20.06 - 5:45 pm
I disagree even more today than I did yesterday. And yesterday, I disagreed a lot.
Guillermo 11.21.06 - 7:05 pm
SCREW YOU GURG!
ARGHLARGLE FLARGLE POCK!
Awe, see what you did? You proved my point. All rational thought went out the window because of your attack. I can feel it slipping again...
BLECH URGH FLIFICKITY RAD! THE BANANA IS PROOF THAT GOD EXISTS!!! POOFLE GNARGLE!
Joey 11.22.06 - 4:16 am
No, dear Joey, YOU proved YOUR point by becoming irrational. I remain rationally aloof from all of your gnargling and poofling.
Guillermo 11.23.06 - 4:36 am
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