Poop Shute

I woke up this morning in someone else's bed. I looked around confused, disorriented. Where the hell am I? This isn't my room. This isn't my apartment.

I stumbled over to the bathroom and splashed some water on my face to help regain my bearings. The face in the mirror was a shock. That's not me. Surely those aren't my bloodshot eyes. Those can't be my black, puffy bags. Whose gaunt, sunken cheeks are those?

Oh. Right.

I remember now.

This was always our apartment. Our apartment. Now, it has a hole in it about the size of one person. I know this smacks of the dramatic, but this apartment doesn't feel like home anymore. I feel like I'm squatting here. I feel like any minute I'll be caught here and kicked out.

Meg feels the same. We don't feel like strangers to each other, but we feel like strangers to this place. We don't belong here, and we know it.

We can't afford to move, and don't really have the energy to go through that right at this time, but I'm thinking about rearranging everything. Not today, but when I can manage to think about it. I know it will only be a superficial difference, but it might help a little.

I've also been thinking about rearranging our relationship. It seems clear to me at this point that our marriage was a source of pain and trauma to all three of us. There was immediate trauma that night, and apparently lasting trauma that finally came to a head yesterday. Don't anybody flip out, I'm not talking about Meg and I splitting up. I'm talking about legal divorce. We stay together, we just put aside the rings and the paperwork.

Months before the wedding, while we were still casually seeing Virginia I tried discussing the wedding with Meg. I asked her what if this three person dynamic gets serious? What should we do about the wedding if that happens? I suggested that maybe we should discuss it with the third party. She didn't seem to understand what I was getting at, and got very defensive. I let it go.

As the wedding itself approached and we got closer and closer with Noel, Meg started to see my point. We asked N repeatedly if she was okay with it, and she said she was. It wasn't until the big night itself that things became clear. Since then Meg has said for months that getting married while with someone else was the most horrible thing we had ever done to anyone. I didn't agree at first. Despite my initial misgivings before the wedding, I didn't think that it was that cataclysmic. I see now that I was right that first time, months ago when I brought it up about Vir. The night itself ended badly, and knowing what I know now, I wish we hadn't done it at all.