Poop Shute

Brother Jeb

I went to college at Arizona State University. This school has been fortunate enough to have what we affectionately refer to as Mall Preachers come regularly to scold us and warn us against our whoring and sinful ways.

One such bastard is Brother Jeb. I honestly don't know if Jeb is his real name, or if it's just something ASU students started calling him, but that is how I know him.

Apparently he was capering on campus again today. Meg told me all about his most recent wacky misadventures. How he continues to insult and alienate those very same young people he claims to be there to save.

It reminded me of one funny day my sophomore year at ASU...

Brother Jeb was in rare from that day. Screaming "WHORES" and "SINNERS" and telling us all we're all vile, detestable scum, not fit to walk the same ground as Jeb himself. Etc etc.

I've always found this approach to evangelism sad and funny. Haven't they ever heard the tried-n'-true honey and vinegar fly-catchin' theorem? How many people are going eagerly listen to a man who froths at the mouth as he condemns them with such fiery, aggresive language?

There's also the "judge not, lest ye be judged" and the whole "let he who is without sin cast the first stone" thing to consider. According to Christian dogma we are ALL sinners thanks to little miss Eve and her apple, so no matter how righteous a life you have managed to squeak out for yourself you are still a sinner. ALL OF US ARE. So, why are there SO many stones being cast by so many Christians, eh? Metaphorically and literally.

Anyway, on this particular day I was in a mostly good-natured crowd listening to Jeb wail about the peril of our disgusting souls. We would call out retorts to him, egg him on, laugh at his melodrama and just enjoy the show. Then he started singling out women in the crowd and labeling this one "whore" and that one "slut." Some of them laughed it off, but others were clearly upset by it. This to me was too far. You can harass a group of us and we'll laugh you off because we are in the majority in that situation, but these girls were being singled out, and clearly didn't enjoy it.

I decided to fight fire with brimstone. I jumped up on a nearby knee-wall and stole poor Jeb's thunder right out from underneath him. I shouted the following.

Me: HEY EVERYBODY! LET'S ALL GO SMOKE CRACK AND F**K!!

This was met with a roar of approval from the crowd, and with that they all dispersed. Jeb continued to holler at most of us as we walked off laughing. The poor hate-filled old fool.