Poop Shute

Mary KreetsMotts!

Today is that special day when we celebrate the great martyr, and patron saint of poop: Mary KreetsMotts. In honor of this special day, here's a little history lesson for the kids:

In the year 1873 Mary was a missionary in Germany when she received the "divine call." The Lord spoke to Mary and gave her an important task. So she went on the holy mission to "bring the word of god to those savage brutes."

Mary humbly took up the task and promptly left for Africa. She braved jungle and beast along with her well-paid guide, Mimbutu. They carved a mighty swath through veldt and mountains to reach their goal.

Monkeys.

You see, Mary believed with all her heart that God wanted to convert the monkeys of Africa. Apparently, God felt that conversion efforts among human populations were begininning to see the effects of the law of diminishing returns and He was looking for other markets.

On December 25th of that year Mary found a nice, healthy family of about eighteen monkeys who welcomed her with open arms and offered her and Mimbutu all the fruit and nuts they could gather. Mary thought this was the perfect place to begin her work. Here's where things turn a bit sour for Mary.

Ms. KreetsMotts pulled out all the stops with a fire and brimstone rant that would put Jerry Falwell to shame. She extolled the virtues of heaven and salvation and roared the dangers of hell and eternal damnation. She talked of sin and the devil, and she talked of God and the angels. By the end she had run down the whole pulpit checklist. The monkeys sat in rapt attention until Mary was finished.

A long pause followed Mary's final words. The monkeys seemed to digest her mighty tirade for a time. Then one solitary monkey slowly stood. He calmly, and without ceremony reached a hand behind his back and seemed to be making a face of deep concentration. I imagine Ms. KreetsMotts took this to be a good sign. The look passed and he brought his hand back around to the front. It was no longer empty.

I think we can all see what came next. The monkey began to fling poo at poor Ms. KreetsMotts and her companion, Mimbutu. Quickly his whole monke family joined in the fray. Neither ever saw it coming. Neither were seen alive again.

So, now every December 25th we all rejoice in Mary's selfless and silly sacrifice and reflect on joy and happiness and good will towards men. But not monkeys. No good will for them.

It's customary for celebrants to say "Mary KreetsMotts" to each other in passing and shower their friends and family in gifts which symbolize poor Mary's shower of poo.

So, I say to you, my friends:

Mary KreetsMotts!