Poop Shute

Just when you thought it was safe to jam sharp metal things in your eye.
By Joey Moore

A new surgery introduced in The Netherlands this week has its patients voluntarily having thin pieces of metal inserted into the upper membrane of their eyes much to my deep and personal chagrin.

Soon after this horrifically vain procedure leaped onto the scene, British ophthalmic surgeons stunned the world by announcing (drum roll please) the procedure is "potentially dangerous."

Wait, what? No way! You're telling me that it's a bad thing to insert a small piece of jagged metal into my eye? Well, who'd a thunk it?

According to the British doctors it's very likely that the piece could move around causing further scarring, bleeding and possibly blindness.

So in these people's foolhardy quests to be seen as individuals they may end up seeing nothing at all.

Vanity has never sounded so ironic.



Oh, those silly Mormons are at it again.

Once upon a time, in the great city called Salt Lake, they developed a software program called Clearplay. This wonderful program for the PC will edit DVD's for you on your DVD-ROM and cut or mute out all the naughty bits, so you don't have to.

Mormons everywhere rejoice and give their fast-forward buttons a much needed rest.

Wal-Mart and RCA have teamed up to bring this program a new lease on life. They've created the first DVD player that utilizes this software, and plan to market it everywhere... just as soon as their day in court is through.

Of course, evil, liberal Hollywood is trying to keep it down. Using their fancy lawyers like a well-dressed army they wave their petty flag of "artistic integrity." They'd much rather innocent women and children be exposed to the graphic sex of a ShowGirls, and the language of a Goodfellas. For shame! God-fearing people should be able to watch these movies without having to see these movies, it they so choose.

Of course, it appears that Wal-Mart and RCA are optimistic about the case. They've already begun mass production of the units. And I say good. I mean, they better hurry up and put this stuff in TV's so I don't have to bother exercising my own judgment. Thinking makes me dangerous!

Imagine a land where nobody does bad things. Nobody can cuss, fornicate, or watch images of either in their on-screen entertainment.

Welcome to Utah.