Poop Shute

The Start Of A Beautiful Friendship

"Now can anyone tell me the answer to this one?" she looked for a hand in the air.

Igor was determined to get at least one question right in class today, and this was going to be the one. His big, meaty hand shot in the air with confidence.

"Yes, Igor?"

"Well, to me the answer is purely elementary. I mean if one considers the work began by Friedrich Neitzsche one must also peer through the looking glass at a jejune power structure and those elements contained within it. The most compelling evidence can be gleened directly from the conscience of the collective societal hierarchy. Furthermore--"

"Well, I'm not sure whether or not there was, in fact, a coherrant though in that mess at all, but the actual answer to the question I asked was x equals four over the square root of y."

Damn it. He had been studying for the wrong class. He was in Algebra and he had spent the whole hour puzzling through his philosophy homework... again! Besides, who was he kidding, he had no idea what any of that stuff he said meant anyway.

"Igor, in all honesty I'm surprised you've made it this far in your schooling in the first place. I think the best thing for all concerned would be for you to collect your things and leave for the rest of the day and think about whether or not you should continue wasting your time as well as all of ours." At this the whole class erupted in swell of snickers. "Now, who can answer number two? Yes, Victor F?"

" y equals x squared over three."

"Very good , Victor."

Vewy wood, Wictor! Igor mouthed.

Little Perfect Fucking Victor. That know-it-all little prick. Sometimes Igor would joke to himself that Victor had his nose so far up the teacher's ass that it was hard to tell where he finished and she ended. Or, no...was it where he ended and where she... where he began and... Damn it. Igor never was good at jokes either.

What Igor was good at was digging. Digging and carrying heavy stuff. He worked after school in the local cemetary. He liked working with the dead. It calmed him. He felt at home among the dead. At the very least they couldn't band together to call him names and laugh at him. It was a pretty simple reason, but then he was a pretty simple guy.

Igor heaved a hearty sigh and began to take the teacher's advice and leave. He had just slung his bag over his large misshapen back when the bell rang. Just before he was out the door Victor startled him.

"Hey, Igor! Wait up a second."

What?!? What the hell?!?! What could Prince Smarmy possibly want to talk to a big, dumb oaf like Igor for? It seemed Victor's call had startled everyone else too. For a moment the usual tumult of kids leaving a classroom grinded to a screeching halt.

"Yeah, what do you want?" Igor asked suspiciously as people resumed their chatter.

"Listen, I was wondering if you had a partner for the science fair yet."

"Uh... no. Why?" Thanks for rubbing it in, you jerk!

"Well, I was thinking maybe we could-"

"Funny. Very funny. You people seem to like making feel like shit, well no more. Not after today. I'm taking her hint, okay. I won't be back tomorrow. I'm going to get a job that doesn't need brains, like... like..." He wasn't about to admit his after-school job, they'd just all laugh at him again. " ...well, I don't know!" He moved to get around the diminutive Victor, but Victor side-stepped back into his way.

"No, really. I'm serious. I know Mrs. Vunderkunt was really mean to you back there, but she doesn't know her ass from a hole in the ground."

What's this? Victor had removed his nose from under her skirts. Whatever joke this was, he now had Igor's attention.

"I need your help. We both know you're no genius, but you have strengths. And we all know that I'm no athlete, but I have brains. Don't you see, our abilities compliment each other well."

"Okay, so you need a heavy-lifter. What do you have in mind?"

Victor appeared to be sizing Igor up for a second. Either that or he was considering the best way to broach the subject. In the end, he figured a blunt approach would be the best for a simple guy like Igor.

"How do you feel about grave-robbing?"