Poop Shute

I Am A Lousy Dirty Stinking Bastard

Tonight I had a conversation that deeply saddened me. Someone who's opinion of me means a great deal to me really and truly believes that I don't seem to understand the full scope of all the wrong I did earlier this year. This is not a whiny post, by the way, but more of an emotional inventory.

Here we go.

I started out by manipulating the truth, and lying by omission. Just a little. That's all that was needed when I first got rolling in a bad direction. Just enough so that I could still do whatever the hell I pleased. See, I told you; bastard. At the time all I knew was I was scared and confused about everything. I was carrying a lot of fresh baggage, and didn't know up from down. To be clear though; it was my baggage, and therefore my actions, and nobody else's. Mine. So, this baggage manifested itself in my behavior towards the one I love. Regret regret regret. That is a word that rings through my head and hangs around my door.

When simple omission and manipulation were no longer enough to keep it going, I lied. A lot. I lied to the woman I love. A lot. I heaped lie upon lie until it got so out of hand that I was caught, red-handed at which point I was screamed at, and rightly so.

I made her cry. A lot. My actions lead her to a series of actions that she does not at all like. Regret regret regret. Some nights the regret fills my stomach with a hollow ache and I cannot eat.

And I did the worst thing you can do to your significant other. I cheated. I slept with another woman. Twice with the same woman. I was weak and sad. I'm not at all proud of it. Sometimes I think over the chain of events that lead up to it and that last one especially and I look up at the ceiling and say "what the fvck!!" The ceiling thing is probably just a leftover of my catholic upbringing. Regret regret regret...

The most difficult part I have in wrestling with this now is knowing that she trusted me. Fully and truly she did. She put all her trust in me, and I just did whatever I pleased, and took nobody's feelings into account but my own. We could be an amazing unstoppable couple today, but I was too scared at the time. She handed me her heart and for fear of losing my own again I did everything in my power to screw everything all up. That is what keeps me up at night, and prevents me from eating. I had what I want most, and I was too scared to just let myself have it. I couldn't let myself be happy, and as a result I hurt her more than words can contain.

Regret regret regret...

There are many more details, but they are private. She probably won't even like that I've written as much as I have about us, but it was important to me that you all know just how badly I fvcked up once upon a time. I don't ever want to be accused of sugar-coating it or making excuses for myself.

I did these things. I feel the guilt and pain of them almost every single day. I have also learned from these experiences. I am a firm believer that every experience has value, no matter how painful. Even when I was plowed by a drunk driver I grew and learned. I've learned a great deal from this ugly mess I've caused, and most of it beyond the obvious. Today I am a better person for it. I have seen my darker side. I have confronted him face-to-face. I have met my Hyde and I have told him to go to hell.

But I am still reeling from the cost.


COMMENTS:

why do you keep censoring the word fvck? And...if you need some pick me up check out the podcast coffee break spanish. goofy scottish people teaching spanish and well! yay!!!! Ryan 12.20.07 - 7:09 pm

You keep saying that you've changed (and for the better, at that) but you're still the exact same selfish asshole you've always been. You can't change because you can't see yourself from other people's points of view. You only see you from your point of view which is of course always sugar coated as it is human impulse to preserve one's self. Have you noticed that you keep repeating the same mistakes over and over and over? In what way are you growing from these mistakes except by becoming more calloused and thicker skinned in preparation for the next time? Same mistakes. Over and over. It doesn't matter. 12.27.07 - 4:16 am

Wow...that's a little harsh, don't you think, Mr./Ms. anonymous. Yes, Joey may have made the same mistakes in different situations, but he has owned up to them. He knows he made them. He knows they are his to take responsibility for. Get off your high horse for a minute and think about the mistakes you have made in your life. Now, true, i don't know you at all, but everyone has made mistakes...sometimes more than once, and sometimes even more than twice. I'm sure you have a few skeletons in your closet that you could own up to. Put yourself in his shoes and see how you might feel if someone anonymously bashed you on your own blog, which was already self-accusing. Does he really need more affirmation that what he did was wrong. I think not. He needs friends. He needs them to be friends. You apparently are not his friend, and if you are, then you have no idea how to be one. Bess 12.27.07 - 10:25 pm

Bess is right and I thank her for responding in a way that I can't. We have our ideas as to who could have written that comment and only three come to mind. Any response I even start to write ends with bashing one of those people just as they did to Joey and I do not want to do that. I mostly feel sorry for whoever that was because they obviously can't move on with their life even though they are not even a part of Joey's anymore. Anyway, thank you Bess for your comments, ones I found difficult to say without being mean as well. Kim 12.28.07 - 12:42 am

Joey, I think you are not hearing what it is that I have said. This is not as harsh as you seem to have made it. As for the rest of you, I think it is none of your business what I've said nor do I care what you have to say about me and my opinions. I was not speaking to you. What's more is, who is to say I'm not still in his life? What leads you to believe I've long since retired from it? Assumptions only make an ass out of "u." It doesn't matter. 12.28.07 - 2:28 am

Why do you continue hiding in the shadows. If it's not harsh, and merely constructive crticism, as you seem to be implying, then tell me who you are. I appreciate criticism, I just think it's only fair to take credit for your words. Also; how can you read over what you first wrote and not call it harsh? You called me "selfish asshole", you said I'm incapable of taking in other points of view, and you've said I am only getting more and more calloused. How is that not a harsh indictment? How can you tell me that is only criticism with a straight face? And the reason I am pretty certain you are not around anymore is because those that are have been noticing the changes I've made. They've noticed I'm more open, I'm a better listener, I think more before I act, I don't have the raging temper I used to, I'm no longer of force in favor of creating more drama for myself and those in my own life, etc. So, I repeat, if you think I'm the same selfish asshole then you are clearly not in my life anymore. Or you're just not paying attention. Joey 12.28.07 - 1:15 pm

You know... I think Joey, that you need to take a look at what this anonymous person wrote as their pseudonym. "It doesn't matter". Let's take that literally here. It doesn't matter who it is or what they say. If they are in your life right now, then you would think they would have the decency to let their identity know instead of cowering under an anonymous one. But obviously, they do not have the courage or decency, or they really are no longer in your life and in that case, it especially doesn't matter. You know who you are and where you're going in life, so let's leave it at that. People are going to have opinions and you can't change them for them, as much as you may want to. This is just more of that unnecessary drama that you have been talking about getting rid of in your life. Just get rid of it. As Erin said in one her blogs, get rid of the "green meanies" in your life. (oh, and you're welcome, Kim) Bess 12.28.07 - 1:41 pm

I feel like I recognize the writing style of "It doesn't matter" from other comment posts on this blog. ed 12.28.07 - 9:50 pm