I'm sure we are all aware of the story of the little wooden boy. You know the one whose nose grows whenever he tells a lie? Disney made an animated version.
Okay, I'm not saying the title for fear that third parties stumble here while Googling the title. Hereafter I shall refer to the play and the character as Pin.
Tonight was the final dress for Pin. I don't think I have ever felt more like I wasted my time on a show than I did tonight.
The stage manager and board-op keep botching my cues left and right. They come late. They come early. They are too quiet. They are too loud.
Frustrating as that was, I was dealing with it well enough. Until Hope opened her mouth.
Matt is the director, and therefore my boss. Bob is producer, and therefore my boss's boss. Hope is the chairman of the board, and therefore my boss's boss's boss.
I don't like Hope.
We met twice before and both times I got the distinct impression that she felt I was beneath her.
So, my favorite cue of the show comes on. Remember the scene where Pin and his Papa are trapped in the belly of the whale and they use Papa's lantern to make smoke to cause the whale to cough and sneeze them out? Well, our whale is a recording of me making coughing and groaning noises and then I dropped the pitch about two full steps to make it bigger and fuller.
The "whale" noises begin to play and Hope turns and says "I don't think that sounds anything like whale coughing to me" with a sour look on her face.
As she said this to me a massive inner dialogue sprang to life in my head. It seemed to take years, but was actually about the length of a heartbeat.
beat
Holy shit. We've met twice and you say this to me like you have no idea who I am.
Or wait... maye you know it's my work you're pissing on and this is your tactless way of giving me feedback.
Also, why don't you tell me exactly what a fucking coughing whale should sound like. How many times have you heard that sound? I never have.
God, I want to tell her off. I want to tell her off.
Wait... this is my last show with these people. I'm moving in two months. I can tell her off.
Shit. I haven't gotten paid yet.
beat
After answering her with a direct look in the eye, I turned back to watching the show as if I hadn't heard her.
Then we proceeded into a painfully long, and painfully wrong cue-to-cue where I again constantly stopped them to reset my levels.
Please, God, let my acting career take off in the next year. I love sound design, really I do... but if I do any more children's shows with unqualified and uneducated "theatre" folk I think I might have to sell everything I own and go live in the mountains.
Hmmm... maybe I'll change my name to Ezakial and find an amish settlement.
